Brysonline - The Bryson Boys

Missing - Presumed Lost

2011-06-30T12:06:00.005+01:00

At the bottom of my garden there is a small football tethered to a tree. It's the last remnant of whoever lived in my house before I did - who presumably was either a child or alarmingly bad at taking free kicks. Every day I see that football and every day I do absolutely nothing about it. It gets the odd kick out of the way every time I need to mow the lawn but there it sits, unloved and abandoned, presumably until I have moved on and it becomes the next guys problem.

I thought of this because it's almost been the same with this webpage. For the last year or so I've known it was there, moved the odd thing about every now and then but never actually done anything about it.

There was a small surge in interest back in January when I decided that 2011 was the year of the reboot, but suddenly it's almost July and I've done absolutely nothing. And it's not as if I've had nothing to talk about.

As was indicated in my opening paragraph I've got a new house in a new town with a new tethered football. I've recently been spending time in Germany losing drinking contests with the locals and most alarming of all I've made it to 30.

I'm still trying to work out how the hell that happened! I'm convinced it's a mathematical error and somehow the years since 2004 were just a "Dallas" style dream. One morning I'll step out of the shower and find that I'm still in a world where you can walk into a pub, order a beer and get change out of £3.

Wishful thinking perhaps, but on previous form it may be more likely than me making another post before Christmas.

Still, stranger things have happened...

Time to say Goodnight

2011-01-21T00:44:00.004Z

It's another evening when I am lying in my bed flicking though the channels on my Freeview box when I really aught to sleeping. It's amazing to think that it's just over a decade since television here in the UK used to shut-down overnight. Auntie Beeb would wish us a solemn goodnight before the national anthem drew the evening to a dignified conclusion. The idents would fade and we where left with the iconic test card showing the girl, the blackboard and that slightly creepy doll which has been giving me nightmares ever since “Life on Mars”

This is all a recent memory but it's a window into a different age – a different century. In those not-so-distant days if we wanted to know the latest news then we would have to wait until the morning papers where delivered. A world in which we had separate machines for making phone calls, taking photographs and listening to music. Back then if we felt the urge to “poke” our friends then we would need a stick and a swift excuse before they retaliated with a punch in the face.

The notion of television going to bed at night may seem quaint and antiquated in our age of 24 hour media, apps and high definition. Now for insomniacs everywhere you can bathe in the delights of the rolling news, where 15 minutes of television is regurgitated over and over like a bite-sized groundhog day. All the thrills of las vegas are recreated right there in your living room with interactive roulette and poker. And of course if you spin on far enough you get to the half naked ladies jiggling their bottoms whilst miming naughty things with the help of a cordless phone.

Progress is a gradual transition, there are times when it's barely noticeable at all - and others where you are left thinking “why did they even bother?”

How to have a Bloody Good Time

2011-01-17T11:37:00.005Z

Imagine the scene. After years of trials and tribulations you have finally been handed your big-break in Hollywood. The top “slasher” movie director wants you for his next masterpiece “Springbreak”. Unfortunately for you there are to be no big budget special effects here, Bloody Good Time is a simple game in which you must kill or be killed.

It begins with me standing in the bedroom of a beachside house, just in the wardrobe to my right seems to be a very large samurai sword which I collect, imaging it may prove useful later on. A voice tells me that we are about to shoot “the hunt” and I am presented with the image of slightly spooky looking clown it will be my task to eliminate.

I turn out of the room and on to the backstage area of a film set. I notice on the wall below a scaffold is a large red button, it's just sitting there tempting me looking all big and red and buttony. “What the heck” I think to myself as I give it a press. Above me comes the sound of a trapdoor opening as a young goth girl crashes limp and lifeless at my feet.

I sheepishly move on after being at the receiving end of directorial dressing down for killing the wrong person. I walk into what appears to be a hotel lobby, by now my needs indicators at the bottom of the screen are showing me to be a little peckish. I wonder to the bar where I order a cheeseburger the size of my head – tasty!

A message flashes up telling me that my red-nosed quarry was last spotted on the beach. A quick look around shows it to be just through the double doors of the lobby. I run outside where my floppy footed friend is spotted climbing a rock to my left. Let the hunt begin

I catch him unawares on top of the rock taking a rocket launcher from a crate. Knowing I have not been spotted I draw my sword and move in for the kill. My quarry turns to face me at the last minute when suddenly the perspective jumps to third person and I see my swimsuit clad beach babe, knife in back turn to face her own killer, a pink leotarded Vegas showgirl who is already wriggling her bottom in a jubilant fashion over my now lifeless body.

The scene was completed as my once hunted clown, blew the mocking showgirl away with his rocket launcher, no doubt thanking the gods for this double piece of good fortune – his own hunter taken down by his nominated quarry.

He has no time to hang about however as I am resurrected on a nearby rooftop. My Samurai sword has been lost during my untimely demise but in the corner of the room I see a molotov cocktail . My journey to collect it is interupted by a message telling me I am about to have an accident – bloody cheeseburger went straight through me. Thankfully a portaloo is situated nearby and I am able to take care of my bodilies. A fatal mistake it would transpire. As I sit on the bowl a beach bloke in blue bermuda's bashes my head in with a frying pan before flushing my lifeless corpse down the pan

I am resurrected one more time in the sitting room of a house. Behind me in a suitcase is something called a robo-mouse. My curiosity drives me to pick it up and discover it to be small radio controlled mine. I send my little robo rodent off in the direction of my cursed clown friend. I find him sleeping on a bed upstairs, bad time for nap-time! Before he can do anything I detonate sending pieces of killer clown in all directions. My day's work has been done, and I can't help but laugh.

In fact I have been laughing almost non stop for the last 5 minutes. Because everything in Bloody Good Time is hilarious!

OK so there are only 3 maps, but when the game cost less than a pint of lager of the Queens Head it doesn't matter. The servers can be quiet at times but that's because like many people I only found it by accident. The game is not being promoted at all by the developer and rumour is that the small British publisher has had to go into hibernation praying for this game to become a success.

So I'll try and spread the word, Bloody Good Time is exactly what it says on the box, or digital download in this case. If you have a few pound coins in your pocket, or a few left over Xbox live points then you could to much worse than give this a go. Because for a ten minute blast on the PC/Xbox, this is amazing fun. Although my last 10 minute blast turned into most of last Saturday!

http://www.ubi.com/UK/Games/Info.aspx?pId=9099

The Lotus Position

2010-12-08T09:54:00.002Z

The new Lotus Renault in black and gold retro JPS livery is looking great! Of course that is Lotus Renault formally Renault as opposed to Team Lotus Renault which was formally Lotus Racing. Lotus Racing Renault who want to be Team Lotus Renault even though they are not linked to Lotus cars, as Lotus cars are actually involved with Lotus Renault.

Lotus Racing who are currently the operating name of 1Malaysia Racing have already taken part in a seasons worth of GPs with those points being added collectively to those of Team Lotus. So if Lotus Racing cannot continue as Lotus Racing and Lotus Renault takes on the mantel of true successor, then do those figures switch to the team formally known as Renault or stay with 1Malaysia Racing? Will Lotus Renault be a continuation of the historic Team Lotus or will they keep the History of Benetton/Renault?

Did Lotus Racing ever really exist, and if not then where's Jarno Trulli been this year?

God it's too early i the morning for this, I need a lie down

The Calm Before The Storm

2010-11-14T02:22:00.002Z

As I write there are about 12 hours left in the 2010 Formula One World Championship, a season which promised so much and delivered even more!

In recent years it has seemed that if this highest echelon of motor racing had been a Hollywood production, it’s writers would have swept the Oscars time and again.

In 2007 the World Champion Fernando Alonso found himself alongside a talented young protégé, Lewis Hamilton. As the relationship soured the on-track action intensified, Along the way their McLaren team would find itself up before the governing body accused of dirty tricks and espionage. As they headed into the final race of the year the title was surely going to either the old master or the young charger, of course nobody had mentioned this to Kimi Raikkonen.

12 months later and with Alonso back in the safety of his Renault and Raikkonen fading into the scenery, it was to be a showdown in Brazil between Hamilton and Felipe Massa. Massa did everything he had to do leading a wet-dry-wet race from lights to flag in front of his adoring home crowd. He took a brilliant win and crossed the line as the new World Champion - of course the race was not over yet! As the Ferrari team danced in jubilation Lewis Hamilton passed a struggling Toyota on the last corner of the last lap to steal the Brazilians glory and win a historic victory.

If anyone had thought the drama of that Interlagos race was as exciting as it could possibly get then they had not factored in the 3 B’s from Brackley (Brawn, Button & Barrichello)

In a season turned upside by new rules and technical innovations the little team Honda didn’t want leapt from tail-end-Charlie's to World Champions. With the old guard of McLaren & Ferrari struggling it was to be the Red Bull’s of Mark Webber and Sebastian Vettel who would emerge as the team to beat as the season wore on. With Jenson off to Join Lewis in a McLaren Super team and the return of the legendary Michael Schumacher to fill his void, the seeds where sewn for an epic 2010 season.

It didn’t start well of course. Even to a hardcore fan like myself the opening GP of the year on an strangely extended Bahrain circuit was to prove a testing experience. Vettel showed the Red Bull’s pace but after he suffered (and not for last time) mechanical problems it was to be a processional victory for Fernando Alonso.

This was of course to be a false dawn as by the time the European season kicked off the battle was well and truly on between the McLarens and the Red Bull’s.

There have been technical troubles, team mate crashes, brilliant drives and moments of madness. with 2 races to go any one of Button, Hamilton, Vettel, Alonso or Webber could win. Button fell out of contention in Brazil and Lewis Hamilton’s hopes may be more of a mathematical possibility but one thing is for certain that tomorrows Grand Prix is going to be something Very Special.

Will Fernando Alonso perform one of the greatest comebacks to secure a Third world championship, moving him into same league as Ayrton Senna, Jack Brabham and Jackie Stewart; Will Sebastian Vettel mark out the place in the history books as the youngest ever World Champion; Will Mark Webber prove that grit and determination are all you need to overcome all obstacles; or can Lewis Hamilton once again prove that the championship isn’t over until the final race is won

As a great man once said – “anything can happen in Formula One, and it usually does”

Tomorrow is going to be quite a day!

Tail End Charlies

2010-03-03T09:24:00.001Z

In the 1980’s and early 90’s it was still possible for anyone with a spanner and a little ambition to set up a Grand Prix team. The result was some of the most legendary rejects of our time.

There was Coloni who turned up to but failed to qualify for an incredible 67 Grands Prix. The legendary Andrea Moda who to save money once sent out Perry McCarthy to qualify on wets at a bone dry Silverstone. There was Forti Course who went from being a rich team with a bad car to a broke team with a great one. And does anyone remember Life? Somewhere in the world that car is still on it’s flying lap!

Of course this had to end, and changes in the rules stopped these notorious teams from taking up garage space at GP weekends… until now!

We have 4 (and a bit) new teams and the chances for some tail end inepititude are much increased. Especially as the need for cash injections is seeing the return of the backmarker's best friend, the pay driver! I wonder what Giovanni Lavaggi is up to these days?

Anyway, who are this new generation of tail end charlies and what are their chances for success/hilarity?

*Virgin*

Neé Manor Motorsport. An Impressive motorsport pedigree and a car designed by Nick “Simtek” Wirth, completely on an etch-a-sketch. Not only are they the first team since Lola in 1997 to arrive on the scene without a car having seen a wind tunnel (and we know which way that went) but their name is certain to provide many opportunities for commentary hilarity! “And he’s coming inside the Virgin”. Still the car looks good and I’d expect lots of Branson-esque publicity stunts throughout the season

*USF1*

USF1 have been in a wind tunnel, but if internet rumour is to be believed they don’t actually have anything close to a working car, which is a handicap in qualifying (Just ask Perry McCarthy). Making the brave move to be based outside the F1 Heartland, USF1 will commute for every race. Not a plan that worked for Michael Andretti and he had the Concorde. It's also now looking increasingly like if they do ever appear it won't be until China/Silverstone/The Post Season Party. With the news of Campos Meta being saved, USF1 unfortunately remains the best chance for a “Lola 2010”

*Campos Meta*

Have seemingly been struggling since they were first announced. Apparently new investment has improved their chances of making the grid. The car is built by Dallara and they have a Senna on their books, not to mention an impressive record in junior catagories. I’m hoping they pull through and can become the 21st century’s Minardi.

*Lotus*

“Lot’s of trouble, usually serious!” The grand old name is back, shame it’s not actually the grand old team. Will probably suffer the “Wimbledon” syndrome of being touted as the British Ferrari when they do well, otherwise they’re that Malaysian team. Probably will be the best of the noobs and might give the STR’s and Force India’s a run for their money. Two GP winners on the books can’t hurt, even if one of them is Jarno Trulli
.
*BMW Sauber Ferrari*

OK, not technically a “new” team but possibly the greatest oxymoron in motorsport. (I’m not sure Honda’s "Earthcar" ever did run in the “fuel burning” session of qualifying). After BMW cut their losses and ran, it's just a great thing that they have pulled through and i wish them every success. In Pedro de la Rosa they have an experienced but aging test driver who hasn’t raced in years. (If that doesn’t work I hear Luca Badoer is available). Young Kamakazi could be fun though. Have been seen to top the time sheets in testing. Anyone who points out that they also have zero sponsors is just being cynical.

*Stefan GP*

One of my favourite GP Stories took place In 1977. A German driver called Hans Heymar missed the cut for his first (and only) Grand Prix, in Germany at Hockenheim. Not wanting his weekend to be over too soon, Heymar turned up anyway on race day and thought “sod it!” While no-one was looking he snuck his car out of the pits and lined up to take the start, much to the amusement of the crowd. In the end Heymar’s GP "career" was over after 9 laps and he was expunged from the records. In 2010 and the spirit of Hans lives on in Stefan GP. Amazingly they are possibly the best prepared of any of the new teams having basically bought Toyota, and their stillborn 2010 car. They have two cars, engines and bizarrely they seem to have Jacques Villeneuve. What they don’t have is a grid slot, but hey ho. Maybe nobody will notice! The cars are on route to Bahrain anyway, which is more than USF1 can boast.

So far Lotus and Virgin are the only cars to hit the track, with Lotus seeming to have the upper hand. There is, however, a month to go and as Murray Walker once said:

"Anything can happen in Formula One, and it usually does!"

GP and Me

2009-12-12T01:45:00.005Z

If the bookies are to be believed then this Sunday evening Jenson Button's Fairytale Grand Prix season will be capped off with the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year Award. I shall, of course, be picking up the phone to register my vote for the Frome flyer. Admittedly as a motor racing fan I am of course more a little biased. I do not mean to belittle the achievements of the other nominees, it's just that when it come to sport, I'm afraid there can only ever be one.

My love affair with racing began when, as a child, I watched the fierce battles between Mansell, Piquet, Senna & Prost on television before recreating them over and over on my living room floor. (A pleasure think is probably denied to the kids of today - The last time I looked in a toy shop the only model racing cars I could find where of Roary the Racing Car or from Disney's Cars.) My Matchbox grids of old may well have been an mismatch of contemporary and historic machines but in my adolecent mind all that mattered was that they were racing cars - and where racing cars went, drama and excitement were never far away.

It was of course a feeling that could never leave me. I will never forget the feeling that shot through me when I first heard the scream of a Grand Prix car driven in anger. The anticipation that builds in you as you walk into a quiet circuit at some ungodly hour in the morning to stake your claim on some dusty or mud soaked vantage point overlooking these hallowed strips of tarmac.

Those who never caught the bug can never understand those magic nights you crawl of out a barely disturbed bed as the world a round you sleeps, to tune into live footage from a distant continent. You know the race will be repeated at sensible o'clock tomorrow afternoon but that's not the point. When it's live you are part of the action in a way that replay can never possibly equal. It's just a mirage, an echo of a moment long since past in which fate has already dealt his cards.

It has only been a month since the curtain fell on the 2009 Season but it already seems an eternity. Each day the countdown clock on the Autosport homepage ticks away the seconds until the action resumes again. The articles provide teasers and conversation points as I try to fill the winter void with speculation of things to come. To predict the next chapter of story not yet written, but one which you know will be packed with a familiar drama & excitement... and of course a little controversy.

So I apologise to Beth Tweddle, Ryan Giggs et al, my vote will be going to Jenson. Because although I'll never be a part of Formula One, I know that Formula One will always be a part of me.

Brawn but Not Forgotten

2009-11-16T12:22:00.002Z

Well It's all over!

17 Races, 8 Victories and 2 World Championships later the Brawn GP name has gone from F1 as quickly as it appeared.

It will become the Mercedes team in Formula One next year. The first Works Mercedes team since 1955. (Lets all hope there's a streamliner ready for Monza!)

I guess the problem with fairy tales is that they must all come to an end.

Some Bright Spark

2008-07-10T09:44:00.002+01:00

So the great leader has decreed that soon we must all be driving electric cars because petrol is evil and the polar bears are starting to sweat.

Now on the basis that National Grid production has to be stepped up dramatically during the end credits of Coronation Street allowing for the switching on of the nations kettles, how will it cope with 20 million motorists simultaniously plugging in at 7pm each evening?

Some morning's I honestly think this country would be in a better position with Edd the Duck in charge

Still, it's a good time to buy shares in Scalextric

Coulthard calls it a day

2008-07-03T16:30:00.003+01:00

It may not be the biggest shock of the F1 season so far - Max in his y-fronts probably steals that honour - but David Coulthard has today confirmed that this will be his last season of Grand Prix racing.

With Red Bull keen to promote Vettel and Mark Webber being consistantly fast in the sister car, DC's chances of a Red Bull Reprieve for 2009 were always looking slim.

David Coulthard won 13 Grands Prix in a career that began in the turmoil of May 1994. By Portugal 1995 he had won his first race, and could have won the final race in Melbourne had he not misjudged the pit-lane entry and parked in a wall.

1996 saw a switch from Williams to McLaren who after several difficult years with uncompetitive cars were starting to turn the corner. It would be another season though before they were finally on the pace. Coulthard took that long awaited win for McLaren - the first in partnership with Mercedes - at Melbourne in 1997 and would go on to win again at Monza.

12 Months later Coulthard should have repeated his Melbourne success, however a "Gentleman's Agreement" saw him slow to a near standstill to allow Mika Hakkinen through to take the win. It would perhaps prove a pivotal moment in the balance of power within the team and Mika would go on to take the next two World Championships.

2000 was a dramatic year for DC. In April he would join the list of British Drivers to have won their home Grand prix in a famous race at a Mud-Covered Sliverstone. In May he was lucky to escape with his life when a plane he was on crashed killing it's two pilots. Just a month after this tragedy Coulthard proved his was just as focused as ever by winning on the streets of Monte-Carlo.

In his post McLaren years DC changed from the company controlled McLaren Driver into an outspoken elder statesman of Grand Prix racing. He is always ready to throw in an inspired quip when the moment suits - as his McLaren sucessor Juan Pablo Montoya discovered the weekend he "Fell off his Tennis Raquet". Hopefully the rumours will prove true and he will take up a microphone next to Martin Brundle at the BBC next year!

It is worthy of note that during his career David Coulthard has scored more World Championship points than any other British Driver in F1 history - his all time tally is beaten only by Schumacher, Senna and Prost

Roll of Honour

2008-04-21T10:46:00.002+01:00

My Top 5 Most Memorable Computer Game Characters

1. Portal - The Companion Cube:

It’s a cube with a pink heart painted on the side. Not obviously a legendary character but during the short time you spend together it saves your life, helps you complete your goals and breaks your heart. In it’s final tragic twist it is distroyed at your own hands leaving an emotional scar that will never quite heal.

2. Max – Sam & Max Hit the Road:

Max is a a hyperkinetic rabbity thing intent on chaos and distruction. What more could you ask for?

3. The Military Advisor – Civilisation 2

Conquering the World is hard, as many people have discovered over the years. Sometimes when you find yourself caught in a pincer movement between the armies of Queen Elizabeth the 1st and Abraham Lincoln, you need a little re-assurance, and often a calm voice pointing out that building another 60 battleships is always a good idea.

4. Jools & Jops: Cannon Fodder

It’s slogan of “War has never been so much fun” hid a message of pacifism. After every level you paid tribute to your fallen comrades and watched the cemetary slowly filling up behind the queue of willing conscripts. None were missed so much as your first two soldiers. After all you’d come into the game together, but only one of you would see it through.

5. The Mechanic from Toca Race Driver 3.

I know you thought you were helping mate but for the love of God just leave me alone!! I was racing in the DTM when you found me, I made the podium that day. A few pieces of helpful advice later and I am back in England looking at a season in Clio’s. No matter how you look at that it’s a backwards step. I would take me several seasons before the DTM will come knocking again, during which time you will have me peddling everything from Trucks to Baja buggies. You my old mucka… are Fired!!

The way we were!

2008-04-21T10:32:00.004+01:00

Five things that used to be great but we don’t just have them anymore.

1: Global Hypercolor T-Shirts.

A Garment so high tech that it could change colour depending on the temparature, turning the embarassment of sweaty pits into a bold fashion statement! It was pure science availiable to buy at C&A. Wearing that Blue T-shirt with my pink sweat marks I was in the future, and flying cars and hoverboards must surely be imminent.

2: Zeppelins

Combine the excitement of flying with the comfort of a cruise ship. Obviously filling them with highly explosive gasses was a design set-back, but with modern design and inert gasses they would be perfectly safe in light to moderate winds on a nice sunny day.

3: Cross Channel Hovercrafts

They were supposed to be the future, then they were the present for a bit before finally being killed off by something from the past – a humble train! It was a fantastic solution to problem that didn’t really exist. But the dream lives on in the garden sheds of Flymo owners everywhere!

4: Murray Walker Commentaries

Murray Walker could talk about paint drying and leave feeling like you had just seen the greatest TV spectacle since that Rainbow episode where Zippy played with his twanger. We can only hope that a one-off appearance to mark the return of F1 to the BBC is not out of the question.

5: Concorde

The 747 was almost invented by accident. Supersonic air travel was the future and Boeing was working on the american Conkers. It was with this in mind that some clever chap thought that there would be a market for a large cargo carrier, because there would not be room on the small passenger jets. The result made Concorde virtually redundant and brought low cost air-travel to the masses. Today Concorde sits in museums as the news gets excited about cruise liners again. History has taken a backwards step!

Every Second Counts

2008-04-16T10:45:00.005+01:00

Well it looks like at some point today Martin Johnson will become the England Boss and Brian Ashton will be gently pushed out of Twickenham's back door into that little industrial estate behind the RFU's headquarters. Is that really a fitting end for a manager whose tenure as boss although rarely spectacular - can hardly be called a disaster!

I was there at Twickenham the day an angry crowd turned on Andy Robinson. In one voice 70,000 people told one man that he'd better not make any appointments for the following week - I've heard few people actually call for Ashton's demise.

It is true that we lost to Wales and came very close to being humbled by the mighty Italy - but we came through the storm and somehow found ourselves as Runners-up! We even managed to beat the French!

The World Cup also was supposed to be a disaster, but once again we made the Final. Had a foot not touched some painted grass then England could have been Champions, London would have had a big party and the Queen would have been scratching around in her honours box to find some more medals.

As an Englishman i have long since learned that 2nd is as close to victory as we're usually likely to get. And often thanks to terms such as "Penalty Shootout" and "Batting Collapse", we rarely get that far.

So over to you Jonno even if you are arriving just in time to take a holiday while the team are in New Zealand. It's not the poisoned challace that Italian bloke inherited over at Wembley by any means. The raw talent is there and you are proven and determined leader who won't stop until you get your hands on that shiny gold cup once more.

I look forwards to the Johnson years with much anticipation. But I also feel that something is not quite right in the way Ashton was treated in the end. He may not have been the charismatic and inspirational leader you need when you are trailing at half-time. Some players have made claims that perhaps they made the final despite him, rather than thanks to him. But he will be remembered for doing what we English do best - coming close, falling just short of greatness, and then quietly moving on without any fuss.

F1 - Generation Games

2008-04-02T10:09:00.009+01:00

Few F1 Teams just disappear into oblivion these days. usually they are bought out, cars repainted and it's business as usual. I decided to have a look at this seasons protagonists and to explore the Bloodlines of the modern F1 grid.

1: Scuderia Ferrari / Alfa Romeo - Enzo began his racing team to run cars for Alpha Romeo before WW2. Post War the agreement was not to be renewed and the rest as they say, is history!

2: McLaren - Although the cars bear the same name as the Orange cars first entered into a GP by Bruce McLaren in 1966 this is a very different team. Following the James Hunt title of 1976 McLaren stuggled to remain competitive. The tide was turning and the days of steel frame monocoques, off the shelf DFVs and Hewland gearboxes were coming to an end. Renault had spoilt the party with their Turbo and soon others would follow suit. Ron Dennis was a successful F2 boss backed by Marlboro and in 1980 his Project 4 group acquired McLaren and a new company called McLaren International was born. The reference to this take over can still be seen in the cars MP4 Prefix.

3: Renault / Benetton / Toleman - The little Toleman team arrived in F1 in 1980 and struggled to make the grid. their two cars could managed just one start each in an era of Qualifying & Pre-Qualifying. By the end of 1983 however things were looking better with Derek Warwick taking two 4th place finishes. It was the arrival of the young Ayrton Senna de Silva which would write the Toleman name in History. That 2nd place finish at Monaco in 1984 along with two more podiums at Silverstone & Estoril began the Senna legend and attracted new sponsors for the team. The Benetton family would eventually go beyond sponsorship and by 1986 owned the team outright. by 1990 they had placed Flavio Briatore at the helm and by the mid 90's 2 World Titles had been won. Eventually Flavio would be moved aside and the team fell into decline until Renaults take-over. Ironically Renaults success owes much to the reappointment of Flav!

4. Honda/ BAR / British American Racing / Tyrrell - The once mighty Tyrrell team's last stand came with Jean Alesi's storming Second Place finish at Monaco in 1991. As the gap between the "have's" and the "have nots" grew ever bigger during the 90's Tyrrell fell increasingly into the "have nots". For their Final GP in 1998 Ricardo Rosset could not even qualify! A sad end for the team of Cevert and Stewart. The team was sold to British American Tobacco as part of Craig Pollock's Masterplan for a "Team Villeneuve". Unfortunately the team was Pollocks and JV's "Big One" at Eau Rouge that year pretty much summed up the year. By the time of Ken Tyrrells death in 2001 Villeneuve had made the podium but it still wasn't good enough. Pollock was ousted from his own team and Dave Richards began turning things around. The Arrival of Jenson Button would show up Villeneuve and he would be replaced before the end of the 2003 season. As BAR gave way to Honda Jenson would score that first win. but 10 years after the Tyrrell team's demise, it's successor still cannot live up to it's own lofty ambitions.

5. BMW Sauber / Sauber - After huge successes in Sports Car racing running the Mercedes superteam of Schumacher, Frenzen & Wendlinger. Peter Sauber was viewed by Mercedes as the perfect platform upon which to return to Grand Prix Racing for the first time since 1955. At the 1994 Monaco GP Karl Wendlinger suffered horrific injurys which lead Sauber to pioneer the now standard cockpit head protection. Mercedes support ended suddenly with a switch to McLaren for 1995. and stints with Ford and Ferrari power would follow. In 2001 the team took a huge gamble by bringing in a vastly inexperianced Kimi Raikkonen despite huge protests. he would of course be a revelation. Eventually the works support first envisaged from Mercedes arrived in the form of rivals BMW and the team goes from strength to strength.

6. Toyota - A brand new team in a brand new factory... well just a Brand really!!

7. Red Bull Racing / Jaguar / Stewart - Stewart showed the world how to start a formula one team. Works support from Ford, title sponsorship from one of the worlds biggest banks, two highly rated drivers and a car built by one of the best designers in the business - oh and a new tartan. 1997 was the year Bridgestone returned to take on Goodyears tyre monopoly and Jackie was one of the first to sign up to the new Japanese rubber. It all came to fruition at the Nurburgring in 1999 when Jonny Herbert took a fantastic win. Ford took notice and upped their involvement. Stewart left with his tartan and in came British Racing Green and World Champsionship runner-up Eddie Irivine. A constant rotation of the management staff though probably helped the project stall and a slump in Fords worldwide sales lead to the plug being pulled on Motorsport

8. Williams - Although the Williams team as we know it today is a born from scratch by Frank Williams & Patrick Head, the teams roots go back even further. In the late 1960's Frank Williams set up Frank Willliams Racing cars using customer chassis for drivers such as Piers Courage. Later with backing from a fridge company and Marlboro Cigarettes he began to build cars under the ISO Marlboro banner with little success. When his sponsors pulled out Canadian Millionaire Walter Wolf acquired a stake in the team. Williams became increasingly unhappy and left in 1976 to form the Williams we know today. His Old team became Wolf Racing and would go on to win a Grand Prix with Jody Schecketer before being would up after the 1979 season. A year later Alan Jones would take Williams first title.

9. Scuderia Toro Rosso / European Minardi / Minardi Course. Gian Carlo Minardi's team didn't build bad cars, they just never had the budget to build amazing ones. Where as some would be tempted to go down the pay driver route for extra money, Minardi resisted. The result is that Minardi's list of Drivers includes names such as Alonso, Trulli, Fisichella, Zanardi, Fittipaldi & Nannini. Winners all! Stoddart eventually took the name to ChampCar and the Minardi name lives on. I live in hope that one day it will return to Formula One... perhaps if we all stop buying Red Bull?

10. Force India / Spyker / Midland / Jordan - ...and of course the busiest paint shop in Formula One. Major backing from B&H helped Eddies team move from midfield maestros to championship contenders. Unfortunately when the money stopped so did the success and Jordan slid back down the grid at an alarming rate. Eventually there was an offer from an investment firm which was too good to refuse. they got the return on that investment and a year later made a sizable profit by offloading to the Spyker car company. Unfortunately people weren't buying enough Spykers to justify having an F1 programme so they were sold again to a Beer company. Well everyone drinks beer!!

11. Super Aguri - Used Honda's backing to make 5 year old Arrows Chassis go better than they ever did new. Rumours of a takeover were in the air but we all secretly hoped for the suvival of everyones favourite little team

Best of British

2008-04-02T10:06:00.002+01:00

1. We don’t do things by Halves: We can turn a simple thing like opening a new building at Heathrow, and turn it into an entire weeks entertainment. The 2012 Olympic opening ceremony will be joy to behold!! (I have this bizarre premonition that the flame will be lit by Ozzie Osborne... and that a torch won't be involved!)

2. We’ll never rest on our Laurels: The British will never take an argument as simple as “it works perfectly” as an excuse not to invent a new more complicated and ergo better way of doing things. Anyone who has ever tried to pay a parking fee via mobile phone will know this to be true

3. Which leads us to our inventiveness: Ok so Brunel is no longer building the world and our status at the forefront of science may have died with the Sinclair C5, but you know it was the British who realised that Hob Nobs taste better when added to Tea. (And of course we invented the yardstick against which every invention ever invented will be compared - sliced bread!)

4. We drive on the right side of the road, which of course is the left side of the road: Obvious when you think about it. Especially when all your potential Enemy’s build tanks which are left hand drive. Any possible invasion will be delayed by at least the time it takes to kit an entire army with headlight converters – Genius!

5. Our calmness in times of crisis: If you look back at any catastrophe throughout history you will find a Briton there saying “Ah well, could be worse I suppose!”. We stay focused and determined in the face of even the harshest adversity. Look for example at "The Great Escape" (and I do on most Bank Holidays) They were not going to be deterred by anything, even though they had all read the script and knew that for some reason only the Americans would survive this one

Beep, Beep, Beep...

2007-10-04T11:58:00.000+01:00

Today marks fifty years since the quest for cold war superiority kick started the space race, and we all began to realise our place in the universe. A feint beeping noise from space was indication that the Soviets had successfully placed a man-made object into space. As the Soviets celebrated their beach ball size probe happily bleeping it’s orbital path, the west began to panic as to what else may soon be flying over their heads.

The answer of course was a hell of lot more. Sputnik did for space what we British did to Benidorm, and today the planet is entirely surrounded by a vast array of humming technology powering our modern world. None of them however seems to currently be in range of my mobile as I have now been attempting to send a text message for 45 minutes.

But thanks to those satellites I can (theoretically) talk to anybody anywhere at the press of a button, and then look on Google Earth to check out the size of their back garden!

Sputnik came out of nowhere from a regime of secrecy. It’s designer Sergei Korolev was considered to be a State Secret, and never officially named. Ironic then that it’s descendants have become a platform for free speech and open communication all over the world. A weapon built as part of a military race for space, also let John Lennon tell the world that all you need is love!

Thanks to Sputnik we can all know our place in the universe - because our Tom-Tom's can tell us!

Colin McRae

2007-09-17T13:51:00.000+01:00

It is a shock to motor sport enthusiasts everywhere to hear about the death of 1995 WRC Champion Colin McRae and his young son at the weekend. Although an English site, Brysonline today proudly flies the Saltire on our masthead to honour a Scottish great, and a true British motor sport hero!

Chaos, Panic and Disorder...

2007-09-17T13:20:00.000+01:00

Chances are that by the time I have written this post there will not actually be anybody left to read it. You will instead be queuing impatiently outside your local branch of Northern Rock waiting to withdraw your life savings and tuck them safely into your mattress.

Not only does this provide a significant fire hazard, but it will probably be music to the ears of your friendly neighbourhood burglar, who had at best been hoping for some quality silverware and a Nintendo Wii.

We won’t even begin to discuss the difficulty these mattress-stuffers will have the next time the Bank of England decides to re-design the Fiver.

“It will all be okay!” comes the constant call from the Treasury and the Bank of England, “There’s no need to panic!”

But after ten years of Blairist government spin, nobody is ready to believe anything anymore!

Several years ago I was driving home from Kingston when traffic suddenly ground to a halt. For more than an Hour I sat motionless wondering what the problem possibly could be. Eventually the police managed to restore some kind of order and away I went. About a mile down the road I came upon the cause of the trouble. Half of Greater London was attempting to fill any possible container they could find with Petrol. I’m convinced to this day that I even saw one bloke topping off his hot water bottle!

What was the cause of this dash for petrol? Nothing more than a rumour on a radio station!

A human being is a wonderful thing. We have the ability to innovate, invent and adapt in any situation. But put a few of us together…

So if you are busy stuffing your mattresses, please remember not to smoke in bed. Especially if you're hoarding Premium Unleaded in your hot water bottle!

The Age of Information

2007-09-10T10:30:00.000+01:00

As missions go it was far from the most complicated. I was not trying to take out hydroelectric dams in a low flying lancaster or cover-up evidence of an extra-terrestrial encounter.

My mission if I chose to accept it - and I did – was simply to purchase a lukewarm pastry snack treat from a mobile office catering van.

Unfortunately for me today was the day that everything changed! What was once a simple exchange of money for goods has become – for my own benefit – a much more drawn out procedure.

As of today lukewarm pastry eaters everywhere must first compile a Pastry Information Pack or PIP for all purchases of 75p or over. The document which costs about £200 contains detailed information about the percentage of meat, conditions at the pasty factory and a list of E numbers and Bacteria contained within the pastry crust.

These documents are the first step by the government to simplify the Pastry purchasing process and eliminate the posibility of being disappointed by poor quality, greasy snack treat.

A similar procedure is scheduled to be introduced later in the year for purchasers of Potted Noodle meals and many motivated people have already applied to get their hands on NIPs. Although these NIPs may be tweaked following consumer feedback.

Plans for a Spaghetti Hoops Information pack - or SHIP - are reported to have sunk without trace.

The good news is my application for a Sausage Roll has been accepted, and I should be able to complete my lunch within 4-8 weeks.

A Double Espresso, a Blithering Idiot, a Chav Hunt, and Another Blithering Idiot.

2007-08-13T22:57:00.001+01:00

Are you one of those people who simply cannot function first thing in the morning without that skinny latté? Are the first hours of another day of painstaking work impossible without a perky mocha? Are you missing out on the office gossip because you haven’t had your espresso yet? Well take heed.

A seventeen year-old student from County Durham was admitted to hospital after unwittingly drinking seven double espressos while working at her family’s sandwich shop.

After suffering palpitations, hyperventilation and a fever, the lass now understandably has an aversion to coffee.

After being allowed home after a few hours observation, a few side effects have obviously kicked in – but at least she can catch up on all that studying.

A 26 year-old man jumped from the top of Durdle Door rock in Dorset after being egged on by three friends on Saturday.

Crashing into the water at 65 feet left him unconscious under the water, and he had to be airlifted to hospital after a holidaymaker swam to save him (the man’s friends fled the scene).

Apparently, this sort of thing isn’t new. It’s one of many new thrill-seeking activities that is sweeping the south, for people searching for that extra rush of adrenaline.

I’ve got just one word for said man – PRAT!

Or alternatively, do what the seventeen year-old student did, and have a few too many strong coffees.

A public school has criticised a video appearing on the net featuring a mock-up fox hunt, with boys in shell suits instead of the friendly quadrupeds.

Former students from Glenalmond College near Perth dressed as aristocrats and chavs and staged the chase which features one boy wearing a cap being pulled from a river and subjected to a simulated beating from the tweed-wearing attackers.

Sadly, the video has now been taken off the web. But no doubt others will follow.

May I suggest a few cups of strong coffee…

And of course...

Karl Rove, the “brain” of President George "Dubya" Bush is to stand down at the end of August as his advisor.

…

“Brain?”

Look at him!

I need a coffee!!

No, better still. I need a pint!!!

Can You Identify This Man..?

2007-08-12T23:27:00.000+01:00

I thought that after months of not posting anything, I'd finally find something to talk about.

Turns out I was wrong.

So instead I found this picture of someone, sporting a rather unfortunate growth on his face - either that or he missed his nose during a very violent picking session.

Either way, it looks hideous...

Don't have nightmares.

Macca Tracca Update

2007-07-10T15:44:00.000+01:00

The latest news from the Ministry of Maccarology, Macclesfield

Hopes were high for a weekend sighting following reports that he had been seen standing in for a traffic cone on the A27. Unfortunately these sightings could not be confirmed. This may mean that the reports were fanciful, or more worryingly that he was taken home as a souvenir by the remnants of a stag party - who had already collected a keep left sign and a police woman's helmet.

For the time being at least we must keep our official rating at "Red - No Sighting"

Chi Chi's 40th

2007-07-10T15:38:00.001+01:00

(L-R) Tom, Chi-Chi, Nige & Ads all suited and booted for the evenings festivities.
Not pictured, Pope Gregory IX, Snoopy or Tara Palmer Tompkinson

Good News All Round

2007-07-04T09:47:00.001+01:00

It's not every day you wake up to some good news!

And after 7 days of unexploded bombs, smoking bans, heavy flooding and long goodbyes (some expected & other's not) I think we are all happy to finally hear a positive piece of news! Alan Johnston is free and on his way home!!

And in the spirit of the day, I can now offer another positive bit of news. Ladies and Gentlemen kindly be upstanding and raise your glasses to the long awaited return of the never missed and possibly unpopular Brysonline MaccaTracca!

Yes, the online free service which can monitor how long it's been since we last saw the 2006 Grand Chiltie Award winner, our very own Macca.

It's being brought back at RED because of it's been a while... but check back regulaly because he's out there somewhere!! Possibly standing outside a pub in the rain.

From One Cloud to Another

2007-07-03T16:29:00.000+01:00

I thought at first it was a mirage. Possibly a result of too many late nights or long term damage caused by the spicy sausages at Le Mans. I had to rub my eyes and take another look.

It’s definitely real, I can see it there between the clouds. It has been so long since I last saw it I’d almost forgotten what it looked like… it’s the sky!

After a month of solid rain, during which time enough water fell on this country to put Volvic out of business, the clouds are finally going away. Which will certainly make it more comfortable for those of us who shall in future be spending more time outside the pubs than in them.

Yes last night I got my first taste of what life will be like in this formerly free country – al fresco!

No more can I sit in the pub and have a drink & a smoke in peace. After years of being told not to stand about on street corners it's about become the routine of people all round the country.

There are soon going to be two distinct groups of public house patrons whose paths may never meet. As the smokers and non-smokers divide at the door to form their own little cliques each evolving independently of each other, with their own cultures and customs.

Who needs to stand inside? Who needs warmth and telly & pool? It’s a brave new world and I am going to stand proud and embrace it! Outsiders Forever!!

The blue sky has gone now. I think it may rain again soon…

Bugger!

Smile!

2007-05-23T13:34:00.000+01:00

So Traffic wardens in Manchester are going to start wearing head-mounted CCTV cameras as they go about their their daily duties.

There are some who would argue that this is a vital tool to aid and assist our much maligned parking enforcers as they carry out their essential duties of keeping our streets clear of white vans and Chelsea tractors.

Others will say that this is the Big Brother society going too far, and protest that it is a violation of our core human right to privacy. That in a world where a parent cannot take out a camera at a school sports day for fear of being branded a pervert, there will be an army of complete strangers filming everybody, everywhere!

However surely the most important point to be made is not one of an Orwellian nature, but that of instant comedy gold. Surley this footage would be a gift for YouTube!!

How long before a head mounted camera records something truly hilarious such as a “something about mary” toilet related mishap, or an elderly driver managing to park a Fiesta halfway up a tree.

Today’s newspaper had a photograph of a Trafic Wardens van being towed for parking at a bus stop. While the crowd cheered and applauded this comical reversal of fortunes the Traffic Warden in question still found time to place a parking ticket on the tow truck for being parked in a Red-Zone!

Just imagine if all that has been filmed? We’d have been talking about Bafta Winning Comedy!!

Street Crime - Country Style!

2007-05-20T15:43:00.000+01:00

It was late one Saturday night. I was headed for home along a route I have successfully navigated hundreds of times before.

Suddenly there was a noise which took my attention. A strange combination of growl and hiss began to come from the bushes to my right. The culprit soon presented himself to be a fairly sizeable badger who had taken an extreme disliking to my presence this particular evening.

It was a moonless night but I could still just about make out the stripy faced little git as he began to charge towards me.

Now I had grown up as a child on the image of the Gentle, wise old badgers from tales such as Wind in the Willows and The Animals of Farthing Wood.

The one that was charging down this slightly bemused bystander on a moonless Saturday evening was certainly no Genial wood-dweller. Here we had a hole-dwelling hoodie not only heading for his first ASBO, but more importantly, heading for my ankles.

I had up until this point been having highly enjoyable evening and had no intention of ending it by being eaten alive by a loveable woodland favourite - The humiliation would have been to great.

So I took the only obvious action available to me at the time. I turned on my heals and legged it. I very nearly gave him my wallet and car keys as well!

And so I come to stand before you all today and ask you take heed of my warning. Street crime is not just an urban thing. It’s just a lot more bizarre out here in the sticks.

Snappyracers.com Launches Printing Service!

2007-05-16T10:47:00.000+01:00

Stop looking at her! Look at this!

As of May 2007, www.snappyracers.com has luanched a new printing service that can provide professional quality prints of almost every image on the website. A 6x4 print costs just £2.50!

We can print up to an A3 image plus if you want to get all fancy there's the option of having the print on a stretched canvas over a wooden frame. Admittedly this costs £140 or so but the option is there!

Already in the first week we've had 4 drivers and teams contact us to order prints. Payment is quick and easy through Paypal and the photos are with you in under a week.

So have a look at the site and then send me an e-mail. It really is that easy...

The New Justice Squad

2007-05-09T14:33:00.000+01:00

Today the Home Office gets split in two forming the new "Ministry of Justice"

Am I the only one who thinks this sounds like it should have been something from a Marvel Comic.

Is it a bird, is it a Plane... no! It's the Minister of Justice! See how he soars through the traffic lights in a police escorted Jaguar.

Deep in a Whitehall basement an over-worked Civil Servant has accidentally placed a list of 500 dangerous criminals in the "To Shred" pile instead of passing it on to the Police. But Never Fear, The Secretary of State for Justice is here!!!

See how he solves the problem by using his special powers of Fax and Email

Oh I can see a film franchise now!!!

Politics is in the Air

2007-05-03T10:34:00.002+01:00

Well it’s that time again. Jeremy Vine is busy dusting off his swingometer and the Dimbleby’s are having a lie-in ahead of a very busy evening of debate, interview and analysis.

Yes it’s the English local elections!

Politics is in the air at late. Firstly we have a General Election looming in France, and the new resident of the Elysee Palace is surely going to have impact on the Continent of Europe as a Whole. In America there is an ongoing conflict between the Democrats and the White House over the future of the war in Iraq. And now here in Sussex we get to have our say on those Major issues such as should our bins be emptied once a year, or simply be placed under surveillance by an Environmental Special Branch.

The environment has been the central issue of this campaign for most. With David Cameron proudly announcing that you can Go Green by Voting Blue. Recycling is more popular than ever, slightly too popular it seems after reading a story yesterday on the BBC website about a woman charged for feeding her husband a Dog-Poo Vindaloo. Waste not..!

However on the whole the local elections in England will probably will probably prove little more than a popularity poll for the Government in Westminster, and a reading on the state of play coming into the 2009 General Election.

That is just England… On the other side of Hadrians wall things are a lot more interesting.

The Scots seem to be not voting only on who gets to run Scotland, but seemingly the very future of the union itself. The SNP promise a referendum on Scottish in dependants within 100 days if they can take control of the Scottish Parliament.

Is this marriage of 300 years really nearing the end?

The one thing we all know is certain to end is the Premiership of Tony Blair. Sometime next week he is wildly expected to pop round to the Palace and resign as PM, triggering the leadership contest that will almost certainly be won by Gordon Brown.

Politics is in the air at late, and it’s certainly an air of change.

So make sure you’re a part of it. Make sure you’ve had your say!

Do your bit for British Democracy - Go & Vote!

Tell me why I just like Thursday

2007-04-26T13:00:00.000+01:00

I’ve always liked Thursdays. It dates back to an era when my local pub would only ever get in enough alcohol to last until midway through Monday evening leaving the place dry until delivery day. Thursday was delivery day and therefore a day you were guaranteed to be able to board the Happy bus to Heinekenland without let or hindrance.

Thursday has therefore become enshrined in my conscience as a night for drinking with the lads. We have all accepted over time that if you were ever looking to get everyone together in one room then a Thursday is the day to do it.

And on a Thursday there is always something to talk about, as Thursday is also “Autosport day” - The day when my new copy of the motor racing bible reveals to me the latest coming and going-on in the motorsport world. OK admittedly it’s breaking news significance has lessened in these days of 24 hour online news, it’s still a cracking read and well worth the wait!

Now over the last few weeks Autosport magazine has featured photographic contributions from our very own JB. They are small and usually at the back but it’s a major achievement never-the-less. Especially if like me your attempts at photographing moving racing cars often results in 36 pictures of empty tarmac.

Hopefully this week JB can make the leap from the back pages of Club Motorsport to the International Scene. Starting tomorrow he will be at happy snapping at Brands for the British Round of the A1GP Championship.

Unfortunately it’s not been quite as enjoyable a day for many others.

Prince Harry has been told he may not be able to join his regiment in Iraq after all, and rapper Snoop Dogg has been refused entry to Australia. That’s right, refused entry to the country that is home to Erinsborough’s evil super villain Paul Robinson (The evilist hotel owner on Earth!!)

But the best story of the day has to be the arrest of Hugh Grant for allegedly assaulting a journalist with a tub of baked beans. Surly as a news story that is about as English as it is possible to get!!

All fuel for discussion at our usual Thursday night get together. After all it is the stepping-stone to Friday Night and the weekend ahead!

Alan Johnstone

2007-04-26T12:56:00.000+01:00

The more eagle-eyed of you may have noticed that our regular "Macca Tracca" has temporarally been removed.

This is because Brysonline has joined the online global vigil calling for the immediate & safe return of the BBC's Gaza reporter Alan Johnstone.

For more information please click on the link in the sidebar

New Earth

2007-04-25T16:01:00.000+01:00

There is another planet that is just maybe a little bit like Earth and might just possibly have water/trees/hamsters.

This was the exciting news I had woken up to this morning. Scienticians who know far more about such things were getting very excited by the discovery of the unromantically named Gleise 581 C.

Last weeks Doctor Who storylines are seemingly this weeks reality, as suddenly the World is talking about a “New Earth”

Apparently the planet, larger than the earth and with a year lasting just 13 days, is in that orbital sweet-spot needed to ensure that a planet is habitable. As Goldilocks said – “It’s Just Right!”

Unfortunately for me I’ll probably never get to see this probable package holiday destination of the future. At 20 light years travelling time it is probably well beyond the range of even my new zippier Mini Cooper.

Of course it I were to set off this morning with a full tank of petrol I would probably still get there before the Cricket World Cup finishes. It seemingly has been going on since the Sphynx was a kitten and shows no sign of ever stopping. Yet people are still watching on TV and talking about it endlessly on the radio.

Why?

Surely the biggest mystery’s of our universe are a lot closer to home!

Making Headlines

2007-04-16T16:09:00.000+01:00

For one young man it has been quite a memorable weekend.

I am not of cause talking about the break-up of Prince William and his long term girlfriend, because quite frankly I don’t really care. Why newspapers devoted page after page to this non event is beyond me. Especially on a day where two British helicopters had crashed in Iraq.

The only newsworthy part of this story is the great idea that one major high street chain have been left with warehouses filled to the brim with “Commemorative Royal Engagement Memorobillia” Soon surely coming to an internet auction site near you!

I myself once made a similar premature assault on the memorobillia market. If anybody desires a “Hear’Say 10th Anniversary!” Commemorative garments then they are wildly availiable from several landfill sites around the country.

The great news as far as I am concerned is the continues success of the man simply known now to millions as Lewis. He has in the space of a month joined that select band of British sports stars who no longer need a surname: Johnny, Tim, Paula & Freddy! Even the mighty David Beckham never quite got into this club!

Lewis Hamilton’s journey from Child karting prodigy to Britains great Grand Prix hope as been a long one, and only I have followed with interest in the pages of Autosport.

I remember it as if it were yesterday my first glimpse of an even babier faced Lewis Hamilton, then in his first season of Formula Renault.

I've seen over the years now quite a few drivers come up through the junior ranks, and none of them made such an impression on me. I knew on that day that I was there in the first chapter of a World Champions Autobiography!

Of course in the second race he slammed it into the tyre wall right at my feet - something he would again do at Donnington a few weeks later leading JB to the idea that I may be some kind of cursed talisman. (It’s OK Ron – I’m not going to Silverstone this year!)

Now he has re-written the history books by claiming 3 podiums in his first 3 races. The first time in my memory that a Grand Prix record has gone to anyone other than a certain Herr Schumacher.

If he can take a win before the French GP on the 1st July then he will surpass jackie stewart as Britains fastest ever GP Winner (per no of starts).

It’s a rare thing for Britain to have a star we can universally get behind, and an even rarer thing to have one who can exceed even our lofty expectations. Today people who have never even watched a grand prix are talking about yesterday’s result, and anticipating the results to come.

The most telling thing about Lewis Hamilton’s phenominal entrance to Grand Prix motorsport is that after just 3 races, it just seems like he has been there for years.

This kid is special, and I’m sure we have seen nothing yet. I am off to ladbrookes to put £50 on him for Sports Personality of the Year!

Bryson Motorsports: 2000 - 2007

2007-04-10T12:23:00.000+01:00

It was Saturday the 13th May 2000. The Venue was Silverstone circuit in the heart or Northamponshire. The “Audi Years” were just beginning as the mighty R8 meets Britain’s premier (if not only) Grand Prix Circuit.

It was there in the baking sun, sitting in the remnants of a half deconstructed hospitality suite that the ficticious Bryson Motorsports came to be. Over the disected remnants of the portable radio I had bought for a fiver.

A private joke between two slightly sun-stroked endurance race fans just kept growing faster than my bar-bill. Soon others were in on the joke

A month later we did our first Le Mans and for the first time there was the moniker “The Bryson Boys”

By 2003 the first “tour shirts’ appeared featuring a team logo, and now established Red/Black Livery.

In July 2006 Brysonline was born, with the intention of becoming a community forum for “Bryson Boys” to share there thoughts and discuss the weither matters of the day.

Now in 2007 we are approaching our 7th birthday. Which is almost 50 in Dog Years. Our “Golden Retriever” anniversary!

It is an event which should be marked, preferably by a commemorative £2 coin or a limited edition stamp of some kind. Although I suppose a curry and a piss-up will do the job equally well!

Shameless Plugs

2007-04-10T10:55:00.000+01:00

Well the 2007 motorsport season is well underway. The F1 guys have had 2 races but more improtant the Dunlop Motorsport News Saloon Championship has had it's first roudn at Lydden International Race Circuit in Kent. Lydden was unfortunately turned down from hosting his years British GP as it only has 3 toilets - all of which smell. However it's a superb little circuit and I'm back there in 2 weeks time for the 750 Motor Club meeting.

Have a look at www.snappyracers.com to see all this year's images plus the archive from 2006.

New Stock

2007-03-05T11:20:00.000Z

Congratulations to Bryson favourite Juan Pablo Montoya for scoring his maiden victory in the NASCAR Busch Series.

The former GP star becomes the first hispanic winner, and the first non-american for 6 years.

It is "Monty's" first race win since his sudden departure from McLaren midway through last season.

Montoya was a Grand Prix driver between 2001 and 2006 and scored victories for both Williams and McLaren.

Answers to Corrispondance

2007-02-26T15:05:00.000Z

Last week I challenged the lads to throw me a few teasers and get some of those questions answered that they had always pondered about.

JB in his usual enthusiastic vigour sent enough to keep me, and the staff of several universities busy until June.

But as today is his birthday, I have selected a few of the best to which I shall attempt to answer.

Please would you fix it for me to know where the phrase "thinking cap" comes from? i.e. "Best get your thinking cap on".

This rule was brought in by the health & safety people who were concerned our heads might be singed by the spontanious appearance of a floating lightbulb.

How many people would have to die before I became king?

I’ll hope by this that you are referring to succeeding naturally,rather than through anything more treasonous!

Now taking into account that there are 60 Million people living in the United Kingdom,then I would put you in at 59,432,998th in line to the throne - one behind the cat from the opening titles to Coronation Street.

When will they invent spectacles that can see through clothing. Only female clothing mind. And why would that work? Surely you'd also see through the flesh and therefore only be presented with a view of the internal organs and tendons?

You mean you havn’t got a pair yet? You’ll be telling me next you don’t have a jetpack!

Why do I have bad hair days?

Because when you are sleeping Tracy uses your head as a potter’s wheel.

Who decided that we should work 5 days a week and only have 2 fora weekend? And more importantly can I make them change their mind?

Well Edward Heath did try and introduce a three-day working week, But everybody shouted at him until he went away.

Could the internet ever be turned off?

Yes, there is a big red button hidden in a field in Shropshire. For security reasons they have painted it with white dots to look like a toadstool.

When did it become popular to use toilet roll instead of a leaf on a stick?

After the great stinging nettle invasion of 1854

When will my feet stop growing?

When you forget about feet and start using the metric system like the rest of us!

If the earth were the size of Richard Branson's balloon thing, how big would the moon be and how far away would it be? Could I reach it on a standard household ladder? What about if I then also had a stick in my hand?

No, because if the earth was the size of a balloon then everything in it would be scaled down to the same ratio. Therefore the moon would be exactly where it is now and ladders would still only be high enough to get you into the loft.

If someone were ran over by a steam roller from their feet upwards, when would they die?

I would guess that the cause of death would come with the crushing of the chest cavity and all the internal organs. However in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Judge Doom survived the process entirely, and only died when he was later exposed to the deadly dip.

Thank’s JB… Hope that enlightened you on your birthday!

Some of the other's have also been getting in on the act. Ads has posted a question below.

Tom submitted one question, to which I’d have to say… no, have you looked in the last place you had them?

I would also like to take time to thank Chi-Chi for his question, which I will get around to answering once I have found a rugby team drunk enough to explain all the innuendos.

Ask Nige

2007-02-26T12:25:00.000Z

I have a question that perhaps R Nige may be able to enlighten me about, since I can't think of anything decent to post under normal circumstances. So here goes:

Q: If Darwin's theory of evolution is to be believed, and that we did in fact evolve from apes, and that giraffes' neck only got longer so as to aid it in eating from the tallest of trees, why of why in the barren wastelands of the desert do zebras still stick out like sore thumbs dressed in their black and white Nike shellsuits, whereas their predators, namely lions and cheetahs etc have been able to blend into the background.

Why not make those crafty cheetahs work for their meal - give their fur a common Burberry look to redress the balance a little. Perhaps some ostentatious spoilers on their tails, or some neon eyes. Or maybe the inability to move quickly without squealing uncontrollably, alerting all and sundry within a five mile radius...

It's over to you...

Educashun, Edukation, Edducation

2007-02-14T10:34:00.000Z

So, according to a UN report Britain is the worse place in the developed world to be a child with regards to schooling, health and general happiness.

Still it's nice to win something every once in a while!

"Come on Tim!!"

Slings and Arrows

2007-02-13T10:23:00.000Z

2007 will mark the 10th anniversary of one of the great “Nearly” moments in motor racing. Few had given Damon Hill any chance of success when he was faced with the prospect of defending his World Championship from the cockpit of an uncompetitive Arrows Yamaha.

The year couldn’t have got off to a worse start as Damon’s car expired right at the start with throttle problems. Twelve months earlier he had won the race.

When a World Championship finally point came his way after a stunning drive at Silverstone, the season was half over. No one then had any inkling of what was about to come.

I was on holiday in America that weekend, and had been stunned to hear in a telephone conversation with a mate back home that Damon had put his car into P3 for the start of the Hungarian Grand Prix. At all costs I had to find coverage of the race on Television.

Now back in 1997 I was yet to get hooked up to even the basic sky package, and so was used only to the terrestrial British television consisting of 4 channels. I was now desperately searching hundreds as the clock ticked down. Eventually I heard the unmistakable tones of John Watson and I was just in time for the start.

Damon of course would go off on the drive of his life – famously passing the Ferrari of Michael Schumacher for the lead which he would hold until the very last lap. It was of course not to be. A combination of a Transmission problem and a charging Jacques Villeneuve would deny the sport the greatest unexpected win since Olivier Panis had taken the Monaco GP 12 months earlier.

Of the teams that started that race in 1997, only Williams, McLaren, Ferrari & Sauber still remain. Of those only one is not now linked to a global Manufactuer.

The next few weeks would seem to be critical in determining the direction of the next decade of the sport. The fight between the Privateers and the Manufactuers seems to be heading for its high noon moment in the Melbourne paddock as arguments persist about the legalities of customer chassis and B-Teams.

10 years from now will we have lost forever at this level, those true privateer teams that are the last link between our modern world and the Brooklands spirit?

All I know is that there is no major corporation who could ever stir in me the spectrum of emotions that I felt watching that little Arrows team reach for the stars, and so nearly pulling it off!

The end of Big Brother? You 'aint seen nothing yet!

2007-02-12T12:01:00.001Z

On Wednesday, in a move that has made me feel more than a little old, Oasis will be presented with a lifetime achievement award at the Brits.

Has it really been a decade since the landmark Be Here Now, an album that still provides mixed opinions in everybody I talk to!

I’ve always liked for it’s shear overblown excess. Yes, so there are several songs that run on a bit to long, one in particular can be timed on a calendar and still had the nerve to come back as a two-minute reprise.

That was a good summer for me, I was just out of school and my only cares in the world involved girls, passing my driving test, and wearing the right shoes (and occationally the left ones as well)

It was a simpler time when a carbon footprint was something Neil Armstrong left on the moon, and our armies were too busy keeping the peace to go fighting a war. At nights we slept soundly in our beds with our TV’s on standby, unaware that a thousand miles away some polar bears were feeling unseasonably warm.

Believe it or not we used to put plastic bottles into bins without the worry that the in built bugging device will inform a nearby SWAT team. There used to be streets in this country that you could walk down without the unblinking eyes of CCTV cameras recording you for posterity. These days I make it onto so many TV screens whilst going about my daily life that I am applying to join Equity.

Of course the next development of our ever encroaching state is road pricing. A satellite system which tracks your every move and sends it back to a man with pound signs in his eyes waiting you send you a very large bill.

One day soon anyone with the right kit will be able to go to a computer and discover exactly what I was doing at 2pm last Saturday. I'll save him the expense; I was watching the rugby at Twickenham.

It’s strange that in the decade since Oasis ruled the world - and our leash has been slowly reigned in - the only national debate we have had about the rights and wrongs of Big Brother involved the televised rantings of Jade Goody

Return of the Mighty "Stunts"

2007-01-17T10:59:00.000Z

The first Queens Head Quiz night marked a true return to form for our once legendary* pub quiz team “The Cupid Stunts”

At our peak we amassed a prize fund of almost £200, which which bought us all a day out at a Harlequins match, and enough lager to keep us going for the first half.

After three long years without competing, Ads, JB and Myself claimed a dominant win and a free meal voucher each.

What makes this achievement even more enjoyable is that we achieved it without the help of the de-facto team captain and human encyclopedia, Chi Chi.

Of course modesty prevents me from taking all the glory for the win, but it was my pen JB used to write the answers.

* Contrary to our own delusions, the cupid stunts were never legendary outside of our own over inflated egos. In fact I once got the “You Say We Pay” qualifier question wrong on Richard & Judy, and JB was soundly trashed last week by a kid whilst watching Junior Mastermind.

Happy Birthday Britain

2007-01-16T11:36:00.000Z

Today marks the 300th anniversary of the signing of the 1707 Act of Union, which united the Kingdoms of Scotland and England under a new moniker The Kingdom of Great Britain.

Politics aside, I think that’s an event worth celebrating. A day for both English and Scot to put aside our differences and enjoy what brings us together as Brits.

So are there to be huge parades, fireworks in the skies, and nationwide festivities and a rip-roaring chorus of Rule Britannia?

No.

But there will be a commemorative £2 coin.

If you would kindly not spend it all at once then it would sure help fight inflation!

Mind the..!

2007-01-12T15:06:00.000Z

It’s a moment in which the normal rules of space and time cease to exist. Everything around you moves into slow motion and your brain begins its unenviable task of analysing the situation and trying to find a way out. There of course is no way out, I have caught my foot, my balance has gone and one way or another I am going down!

It was a stupid situation, I was climbing a set of stairs I had climbed every working weekday of my life for the last 3 years. A set of stairs I have, up until today, always managed to successfully navigate without incident. Today however was different. For one thing to a combination of being in a bad mood because there was a large truck blocking my parking space. Secondly in the true spirit of the modern age I was, instead of looking where I was going, fiddling about with my iPod.

It was a recipe for disaster and all those people who gleefully hold the mantra “I told you so” were given cause to wax lyrical as my foot caught under the top step and I found the accident was already in progress.

As I fell to my knees, all hopes that my little moment would have taken place beyond the sight of watching eyes were quickly dashed. I accepted my short round of applause and limped off to nurse my slightly bruised ego – a chocolate Hob Nob was involved!

Look out Cosmos - Us Brits are Coming!!

2007-01-10T10:12:00.000Z

One of the most unexpected news stories of the past week has been the growing support for a British manned spaceflight programme. Just as you get used to the daily round of stories about Iraq, The Ashes, Big Brother - and in the case of one newspaper, Diana Conspiracies – Britain suddenly announces that they will follow the Americans and take that “one small step for man”

It wouldn’t be the first time that we as an Island had got involved with the space race. I recently watched a documentary about the early years of a British rocket programme, based on the German V2 designs captured at the end of the war. The home of this fledging space programm - The Isle of Wight.

This facility was abandoned in the 50’s, and today there is very little left on the Cliffside to suggest that this was almost the venue of an English Cape Canaveral. As a nation though we continued our attempts to get into space, mostly through the efforts of the Garden Shed Inventor.

Our highest profile attempt to “boldly go” came through the Beagle 2 project, named in honour of the boat which took Darwin on his voyages of scientific discovery. Lead by Colin Pillinger, who looked every inch the part of the Open University professor, the project was based at the National Space Centre at the University of Leicester.

Hitching a lift on the back of a European “Mars Express” mission, Beagle 2 – which had famously been introduced to the world in a Tesco’s shopping trolley – made it to the Red Planet before losing communications with Earth.

In another strangely British twist, the signal due to be sent back to confirm a safe landing was a specially written tune by indie band Blur.

NASA’s Mars Odyssey craft eventually found a crater which is believed to be the final resting place of the Beagle.

So we certainly have a history, and a bunch of talented and be-bearded individuals who could well pull off a lunar landing. The problem will be what happens then?

For some reason the words “package holiday” and “all inclusive” come springing to mind. Might we really only be 50 years away from Brits swapping the Mediterranean for the Sea of Tranquility. Low cost hotels and London theme pubs would pop up all over the surface as people took advantage of the new Budget Spacelines and went off on an astral booze-cruize.

Will the brightest object in the night sky soon burn with a neon glow, a zero gravity Ibiza for the next generation of hardcore clubbers?

God only knows what Sir Patrick Moore will see through his telescope!

Happy Twentyohsevenmas!!!

2007-01-02T13:42:00.000Z

After months of being inundated by festive advertising and images of snow covered happy people – Christmas is over!!!!

The crackers have been pulled, resealed and boxed again ready for next year. The beer got all warm and drunk, and we all followed. Boxing Day gave way to Fencing day and the Christmas tree was planted back into the garden to grow a bit for next year - A plan flawed only by it’s artificialness.

At least the decorations can stay on until the squirrels steal and bury them in the spring!

2006 has been consigned to the history books and we stand willing to embrace a new 12 month period during which we shall probably continue to put off doing all the stuff we’ve been promising to do since the dawn of the Millennium.

The problem is that television keeps getting better, alcohol more varied and handheld gaming consoles more addictive. So instead of setting forth unto the world in the spirit of Magellan or Columbus, I’m more than prepared to wait and see the world through future versions of Grand Theft Auto.

Other members of the Bryson fold have been busier over the last 12 months and there are to be several noteable changes this year. Somewhere in-between me playing Liberty City Stories and switching on the telly to watch Ghosthunting with Girls Aloud, Macca Bought a House. A proper adult house with mortgages and bills and discussions about soft furnishings and the pro’s and cons of under-floor heating.

It’s a big deal to somebody like me whose idea of financial management is making sure that crumpled banknotes are removed from my jeans before I wash them.

Then we have Chi-Chi, who is also off to start his marital home and brand new for 2007 job possibly involving some sort of Tie.

For Conrad and Lindsey there is to be the pitter-patter of tiny feet followed by the lengthy sleep deprived joy of a newborn baby.

Throw into this mix that fact that Tony Blair’s resignation is creeping ever closer (There will be some non café culture binge-drinking that night!) and the knowledge that Englands painful slide into Rugby obscurity will be over by the summer. Which should mean that all the bandwagon jumpers from 2003 will vacate Twickenham and we might actually manage to get some tickets for something other than the Italy game.

Then of course there is Le Mans. The greatest race will be run for the 75th time this year, and we shall be there in force. After 5 years of trial and error Tom and Myself feel like old hands, and plan to utilise our knowledge to the full for what may be the last hurrah down at le sarthe (for the foreseeable future anyway)

These changes are not the beginning of the end for the Bryson Boy’s, mearly the end of the beginning. One thing is for sure, whatever comes from the next 12 months will be recorded, satirised or have the preverbial taken out of it right here.

Unless of course, they were right about Bird-Flu!

There is a robin outside that looks a little groggy…

2006 Chiltie Award Winner: MACCA

2006-12-18T15:49:00.000Z

I can now reveal that after much soul searching, result tallying, coin tossing and bung accepting - Chris Mack is awarded the 2006 Chiltie Award.

Macca, weeks after being hospitalised by a small mammal, was back with the Bryson Boys for the Fifth Annual Le Mans expedition.

Anyone who has ever made the trip to the Circuit de la Sarthe will know that it is tiring enough on foot, on crutches it must have been hell. Of course he had brought a wheelchair to ease the strain on his arms, although after an encouter with a shark at the local Carrefour and a 17 mile treck to watch a soccerball game - the wheels fell off!

On the bright-side he came home strong enough to bench-press an Intercity 125, an event which was to cause sevire delays on the East Coast Mainline.

So well done to Macca for showing us the meaning of indefatigable, or at least pointing us in the direction of the dictionary to look it up for ourselves.

One very tiny certificate is on it's way.

Clay Regazzoni

2006-12-16T20:09:00.000Z

It is with sadness tonight I have heard of the Death of former GP driver Clay Regazzoni. He had been involved in a car accident on Friday.

Regazzoni scored five Grand Prix victories, including the maiden victory for the Williams team, the 1979 British GP at Silverstone.

Clay took part in 132 Grands Prix for Ferrari, BRM, Ensign, Shadow & Williams. His most successful season was in 1974, when racing for the Scuderia he conquered the mighty Nordschlieffe en route to 2nd place in the Drivers Championship.

Our thoughts will be with his family this Christmas

Champion of Champions

2006-12-16T20:03:00.000Z

Congratulations to Mattias Eckstrom for clinching the 2006 Race of Champions title at the Stade de France in Paris.

Eckstrom beat rally legend Sebastian Loeb 2-0 in the final, including one race in Loeb's own Citroen Xsara WRC car.

But the most exciting news of the day was that the 2007 festival of motorsport will be crossing the channel to the new Wembley Stadium. Definately one for the diary!

Happy Non-Demominational Annual Winter Festive Time Off Work!!

2006-12-05T13:29:00.000Z

It's that time of year again. Children are smilling (because they've just happyslapped Santa), The snows are falling (possibly in Norway, but it's pissing down here!), and we offer tidings of peace and goodwill to all man (unless he's about to buy the last robotic dinosaur in the shop in which case it's all fair game!)

I believe that the traditional image of Christmas never existed outside of cheesy cards, cartoons and Charles Dickens novels in which everybody was called Mister Snigglebottom. In reality Christmas for me involves getting drunk and watching telly, usually while attempting to fathom the latest electronic gizmo with which you cannot comprehend how you managed to suvive all those years without.

And of course to make sure that you get yourself down to the shops to purchase these gizmos the Christmas decorations are put up in Mid June, and the Carolers start going door to door long before the clocks go back. Of course all this commercialism means that by the time The Queen makes her annual festive address to the nation, you are one play of "Last Christmas" by Wham! away from complete mental breakdown.

Then after 6 months of Build-up and one Dr Who special - it's all over!

The Tree comes down, your Gizmo is thrown in a drawer to never be seen again, and your Credit Card company break your legs for non-payment.

But still I had a week off work, and it's only six months until it starts all over again!

Inside Bryson: Tom's Story

2006-11-15T16:30:00.000Z

Thomas was born on his birthday sometime during the 70’s. As a small child he would embrace the spirit of the era by growing his sideburns, flairing his trousers and investing in a middle of the range Soda Stream.

By the 1980’s he was old enough to start school. He named it Thomas Hoadley Grammar and installed himself as an acting deputy headmaster. Unfortunately his father soon needed the shed back, and so he closed his school and went to the local comprehensive with other children from the area. It was to be here that young Thomas would discover his lifelong passion for semolina pudding.

He was a bright pupil and would come to sit his GCSE exams two whole years early. Thankfully for him somebody pointed out the error and he was able to return to his usual lessons before the teacher marked him absent.

It was during this period he was to become a gifted Guitarist. He could not play the guitar but had received it as a gift. He later gave it away as another gift before receiving it back from somebody who has subsequently dropped off his Christmas card list.

Thomas left School nightly at 3:30, and finally for good when he turned 16. He applied to both Oxford and Cambridge Universities with a desire to study Advanced Petrochemicals - a hobby of his since he had been the sole witness to a sporadic fire at his school, which, as Thomas explained, must have been started by a trio of wondering fire-eaters.

Unfortunately due to a postal strike his application forms never arrived, and so Thomas set out into the brave wide world to look for adventure and employment with dental privileges.

He looked first at a career in the armed forces, but an allergy to brass band music mixed with a nervous twich in his trigger finger saw him quickly discharged after what the papers called the Passing out parade Incident.

Going into hiding to escape the attentions of the tabloid press, and the lawsuits of the bereaved, Thomas found his true calling, tending to the gardens of the rich & famous.

Gradually as one by one the famous caught him going through their dustbins and stealing clothes off the washing line, his client based switched to the “Wealthy & Well Knowns”, and finally the “Average Income Who are They’s”

Just as he thought things could get no worse, they did. Then they got a little better, before being great for a while and eventually levelling out at content, with the odd dip here and there and a few sharp spikes in his Gazebo.

Thomas is currently looking to expand his successful gardening business and move into fields, hedgerows, woodland and forestry.

Outside of work he is also involved with managing the popular Country & Western Quartet from Birmingham, TJ Bimmy & the OK Choral. Who have had some moderate success with the Singles “Hodown in my Heart”, “The Outlaw Man from Dagenham” and the Valentines day Classic “Sally (The Girl from Cherwell Valley)”.

The future is looking bright for Thomas as he moves towards yet another birthday. One which I am sure he will celebrate in style, possibly by using the old soda stream to make slightly cheaper carbonated beverages.

The Chilties: Shortlist Revealed

2006-11-15T10:40:00.000Z

With the Chiltie awards around the corner, it is time for the final Nominees for the Bryson – Moment of the Year to be revealed:

1: SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON BREAKS MACCAS WHEELCHAIR

Yes, way back in the summer saw us gather once more in Le Sarthe for the worlds greatest race, the 24 Heures du Mans. It had clashed this year both with the Soccerball Cup and Maccas enthusiastic attempt to raise his motor insurance premiums.

Plastered up to heal his car crash crushed bones, Maccas Le Mans was always going to be interesting - not least on the logistical note of getting a wheelchair & everyones camping year in the back of a Mini.

Dispite the miracle of getting his chair across France in one piece, an inaine trek across the circuit in search of an England soccerball game saw the wheels fall off Maccas plans for a crutch-free weekend, and quite literally fall off his chair.

2: JAMES’ BIRTHDAY

When it comes to Young Jim you can almost be guaranteed hilarity. After several years of finding himself drunk and stranded, miles away from home, he decided this year to get drunk and stranded within staggering distance.

After Falling over in the Garden, Falling out of a Window, and Falling over the billiards table, his head may have been convinced that he was riding the Oblivion at Alton Towers. It was then with predictable results that projectile vomiting would follow and with a distance many amateur shot-putters would be proud of.

3. ALAN AND THE CASE OF THE ULTIMATELY DISSAPOINTING FIREWORK

“Stand Back Lads, This is Going to be a Big one”

Al had arrived at Toms Fireworks & First Aid Extravaganza with a rocket so large it could be designated WMD. But like the hype leading up to the Invasion of Iraq, the reality was really rather less impressive.

As the already slightly nervous crowd (See “The Spirit of Guido Fawkes”) took several steps backwards, the missile soared towards the stratosphere before exploding with all the ferocity of a Hamsters fart.

I wonder how Comical Ali would have spun that one?

4. JAMES FALLS OFF SUNSHINE MOUNTAIN

Nomination number two for young Jim, who once again demonstrated his complete lack of self-preservation when drunk by attempting to walk under every van/bus/car/bicycle on the streets of Twickenham

It was for his failed attempt to complete the challenging task of remaining on a train seat without falling off that many will remember as the highlight of the day.

5. LAGER THIEF LEAVES NIGE THIRSTY/HICCUPPY

It was going to be one of those nights, we had been seated in the Curry House for an hour before anyone even took our order. Eventually some lagers had arrived along with some starters (not necessarily the ones we had ordered but…)

Anyway with ¼ of a pint remaining and understanding that the staff were working on a different time-zone I had thought ahead and ordered a few more beers. The confused waiter looked at me for a moment, before picking up my pint and walking off.

The food eventually arrived but there was still no sign of the fresh pints we had ordered, or the remnants of my newly liberated first pint. It took just a few mouthfuls before I realised that this was going to be a particucularly strong Madras. As my face rolled through an entire spectrum of hues, the hiccups arrived!

I had then decided that being a hicuppy, sweaty, purple mess was more than reason enough to steal another mans pint.

You’ll be happy to know that I suvived the ordeal, but with long lasting damage to my ego.

Some drinks eventually did turn up, 35 minutes later, if anybody knows what became of my original pint please let me know. I still maintain a lone vigil to it’s memory!

So there you go. Who will win the Incredibly Small Trophy?

The Chiltie Awards will be announced on the 4th December 2006, so you have until then

Happy Voting.

When we were Kings

2006-11-14T10:09:00.000Z

(Nige) There has always been a certain tradition around trips up to Twickenham to watch England Rugby Internationals.

Firstly, no matter what time we leave, we always seem to somehow arrive slightly too late and have to run for the train.

Secondly, several hipflasks filled with a vast variety of spirited substances have usually been consumed by the time we have to change trains at Clapham Junction.

Lastly, no trip to HQ is complete without the post match supper from Kings Fish’n’Chips.

So it was to our shock on Saturday that we discovered that Kings was no more, it had ceased to be. Bereft of frying it rests in piece!

Like the old South Stand at Twickenham it exists only now in memories and drunken photographs. Both were spectators to the era when England held the World Cup aloft in Triumph, and Fortress Twickenham was impregnable to all invaders.

Perhaps then it is only right that neither was around to see an England team jeered from the field of play by a Home crowd on the day England slumped to a 7-game loosing streak – a 40 year low!

Unfortunately nothing can stay the same forever, and with the World Cup looming on the horizon, it seems certain that the Webb Ellis trophy will not be coming home.

That golden age has passed - leaving us all slightly colder, slightly soberer, and pining for a warm, battered meal with extra vinegar.

I Like Trucking and I Like to Truck

2006-11-07T21:19:00.000Z

(JB) This weekend saw the Bryson boys dust down their firework and cow-pat encrusted bodies and head to Brands Hatch for their season finale meeting. Top of the bill? Team Desperado and their cracking little VW Golf driven by motor racing legend and all round nice bloke, Russ Bradley.

Supporting him were the British Truck Racing Association boys. That's right. Trucks. Big, smoky, diesel trucks. And they don't half hang about either!

So in a shameless publicity stunt, go to www.snappyracers.com and then go to Gallery. You can't miss the trucks!

The Spirit of Guido Fawkes

2006-11-06T16:57:00.000Z

(Nige) It was a few days after Halloween, yet I had found myself in a scenario familiar to anyone who has seen a horror film. I was stumbling about in the dark feeling my way gently towards the light. I wore the mists like a cloak, all around me nothing by white swirling cloud. With my fingertip in contact with the cold brick wall I edged slowly along the passage, knowing that if I edged but a step too far I would find myself knee deep in a pond with Koi nibbling at my ankles.

Several loud bangs assured me that I was headed in the right direction. Suddenly out of the swirling mists a shadowy figure looms into view, behind him a ghostly orangy glow. The figures face is filled with terror, as my feet stick to the ground in fear it lets out a terrified scream.

LEGGIT!!

All went quiet, what had I seen? Was it living or dead? What had caused the look of terror etched on that poor Souls face?

I doubted the figure to be Paranormal, as my personal view is that death is exactly like life, just with longer queues at the Post Office

I finally reached the end of the path to see several more shadowy figures lurking in the ever-thickening gloom.

The bangs erupted once more, as the ghostly silhouettes turned and began to move towards me. I hesitated, as I realised that there was nowhere left to run. Suddenly at one the shadows shouted out in one voice – “Happy Birthday!”

For this year Tom’s Guy Fawkes: Fireworks & First Aid Extravaganza had fallen upon my birthday. And as we stood upon his patio in a sustainable level of terror, thankfully most of the fireworks took off in a semi vertical direction.

Just the one had come towards the crowd, shortly before my arrival causing the thick smoke and the paniced figures I had seen,. Thankfully we are all still alive, we all had a lot to drink and only one person slipped on a cow-pat.

Now that’s a party!

EXCLUSIVE: The Not Quite Marathon Man

2006-10-30T14:37:00.000Z

(Nige) Congratulations to our very own Jon “Radcliffe” Bryant who stormed home to a Personal Best 1,114th in the 2006 Barnes Green Half Marathon.

JB was disappointed to have so narrowly missed out on a podium finish but would like to point out that his finishing time was hindered by a bit of standing about posing for the cameras in assorted sporty headgear sparking rumours that JB’s sponsorship agreements had gone a bit further than taking a form around the local pubs.

JB Denied ever having taken any commercial endorcements claiming his unusual attire was "just something I had lying about". He then stormed off to his brand new Porsche.

JB, who has for the last few months been putting in lengthy evening runs after work, has now announced his future intention is to spend more time sitting on the sofa eating crisps and scratching.

He raised about £1,000 for Charadee and is now looking forward to getting back to the Bryson lifestyle of Pub-based sloth and Potted Noodle snack treats.

Look out for for the Inside story of JB's run right here on Brysonline, as soon as his pain has gone away.

JB's better half TC also featured in the race, and without the aid of commercial endorcements or "Qualifying-Spec" Running shoes finished a commendable 1122nd.

As for me, I was sat at home watching DTM on the Telly - well it was a Sunday!

Here We Go Again...

2006-10-30T12:37:00.000Z

(Ads) So, we're back on Greenwich Mean Time. That can only mean one thing (or two) - winter is well and truly on its way, and our Government are yet again calling to abolish the time-changing exercise altogether.

Some argue that the roads will be safer for children and cyclists during the winter months if we stopped piddling around with the time.

Clearly, this is a misconception. Children thrive on the dark - they're all monsters anyway. And cyclists are pains in the arse throughout the year - regardless of whether they're wearing hi-vis jackets or have lights on or not.

This is, in fact, another swipe at the motorist commuter. To remain on Bristish Summer Time 365 days a year will mean the ice on our windscreens have had even less time to melt. The sun is perilously low in the sky to cause early morning blindness and less people will be able to claim sick leave due to Seasonal Affected Disorder.

I say, if you want longer days throughout the year, piss off to Kenya.

Ready the Red Carpet

2006-10-25T13:58:00.000+01:00

It’s Almost November which means it’s got to be time for the Bryson Boys to get those submissions in for the 3rd Annual Chiltie Awards!

There is going to be a change in format this year in that there are no official catagories to mark the usual great achievement and drunken stupidity. Instead the field is open for anybody to nominate anybody or anything, for anything!

The best will be declared Chiltie Winners for 2006

The Only Category that does carry over from previous years is the Big One: The Bryson Moment of the Year (And the very small trophy that goes with it)

So get thinking peeps, and send in those Personal Triumphs, Embrassing Moments, Personal Injuries and Memorable Quotes.

The closing date for nominations will be Sunday the 12th of November 2006.

A Life Less Ordinary

2006-10-24T14:38:00.000+01:00

For the last 12 months the question on everybody’s lips seems to have been “When will Michael Schumacher retire?”

Now he finally has sodded off back to Kerpen in Germany to sit and read his Sunday newspapers in peace, the question being asked has become “So when do you think Michael Schumacher will come back?”

I’m not asking it of course. My head is full of much more important questions such as “On a grey and overcast day, is there one big cloud in the sky or millions of ickle tiny ones scrunched together?”

The people asking if today’s newspapers are anything to go on are former World Champions Niki Lauda and Mika Hakkinen. Two people who well know the struggles of coming to terms with a life away from the Circuit. More important perhaps, two people who’s retirements were not as long as they had at first anticipated.

Mika of course is still racing in the Deutsch Tourenwagen Masters (DTM), were his will to win is as strong as ever it was. He did take a few years off after leaving the GP scene but ultimately the option to race in Europe’s premier tin-tops series proved too much for the two-time world champion.

Andreas Nikolaus Lauda (Niki to his mates) retired for the first time in 1979 to go and run his Airline in Austria. The possibility though of signing such a high profile driver did not escape the McLaren team - and when the Airline needed a cash injection in the early eighties - Ron’s phone call came at just the right time!

Lauda returned to the cockpit and proved he had lost none of the old sparkle. He beat Alain Prost to the title in 1984 by half a point. 12 months later Prost would have his day, and the raw speed of the French master probably confirmed to Lauda that it was time to go back once a for all to the Airline Business.

Nigel Mansell was another driver who could never escape the lure of the racetrack. He famously “walked away” from the sport on three occasions. His first retirement came in 1990 when angered at what he saw as team-mate Alain Prost’s preferential treatment at the Ferrari stable, Mansell announced he was quitting.

Mansell was eventually persuaded to reconsider by a generous Williams cheque and of course went on to take the World Championship in 1992 in the Fantastic FW14b. However Prost would again prove to be a thorn in his side as unbeknown to Nigel, he has been signed to the Williams Team for 1993. Mansell headed for the states, an Indycar Championship and Third place in the Indy 500 would Follow.

Mansell was to return to Williams in 1994 for a three race stint following the tragic death of the great Ayrton Senna. Mansell would win his 31st and final GP in Adelaide that year, out qualifying both championship contenders in the process. He tried to carry the momentum into a full comeback season at McLaren, but faced with a unspectacular car Mansell would lose motivation and leave before mid-season. Now of course his is still proving his speed by dominating two of the three inaugral GP Masters events

Of the other recent World Champions it is only Damon Hill who has successfully managed to avoid the pull back into the cockpit. He famously said that when he left F1 he would never race again. He has his new role as President of the British Racing Drivers Club and is in charge of bringing the Silverstone Circuit into the 21st century. A brief outing in a Renault F1 car in London and a test of a GP Masters car lead many to speculate on an iminant return, but Damon has stayed true to his word.

So will Michael Schumacher manage to adjust to a life away from the cockpit like his old sparring partner Damon Hill, or like many others, will the draw of Racing eventually prove far too much for the old master to suppress?

The Countdown Begins

2006-10-23T16:40:00.000+01:00

145 Days, 15 Hours, 20 Minutes and 48 Seconds Before the Australian Grand Prix.

It's been a cracker of a season and I think I'm already starting to get withdrawl symptoms. It hasn't even been 24 hours yet!

It's all those unanswered questions that make it so appealing. Who will jump into the Schumacher shaped void. Will it be the young pretender with the penchant for comical facial foliage, or the other one - who may have escaped from Madame Tussauds but is still the fastest thing since Linford Christie last had the squits.

Then there's the new kids, who may be still wet behind the balaclavas, but are super talented and ready to set the world alight!

Not to mention our very own plucky Brit, now free of his shoulder mounted chip, who is keen to add to to his win tally of... One!

Well one's a start, there was a time even Michael Schumacher had only won One!

-----

145 Days, 14 Hours, 10 Minutes and 57 Seconds - It's no good, I'm going to have to do something to take my mind off it. I can't go out anywhere because it's raining, and I have already googled Katherine Legge more times than is probably healthy.

Football Manager 2007 has just come out, and that's a great way to lose several weeks of your life. I'll see what I can do to help Brighton & Hove Albion become champions of Europe.

----------

145 Days, 13 Hours, 51 Minutes and 37 Seconds - I'm sure plenty of managers get sacked in their first week, I'm not gonna let it get me down. I confess that my major stumbling block to managerial success is my complete ignorance of the round ball game.

-----------

145 Days, 13 Hours, 44 Minutes and 37 Seconds... - Why do seconds have to be so slow? How long would a minute be if it was comprised of 60 Firsts? By How greater margin did First beat Second? What happened to the firsts if it is the seconds who went on to become the standardised measure of time?

Perhaps that's what I can do! 145 days is surely enough time to solve at least one riddle of the universe. I mean Doc Emmett Brown invented time travel in as long as it takes to fall off a toilet.

All I have to do is dedicate all my time and resources to... oh look there's there's a spider on my desk!

---------------

145 Days, 13 Hours, 40 Minutes and 34 Seconds. Okay so my attempts at solving the riddles of the universe were flummoxed by an entertaining spider. It's again nothing to be ashaimed of. Apparently the only thing that prevented Einstein from completing his unified theory of everything was the playful antics of a small kitten.

Time may be crawling along on a Wet Monday afternoon, but there is a lot coming up to distract me. I've got the England vs Argentina game at Twickenham, Truck Racing at Brands Hatch, Toms Fireworks and First Aid extravaganza... then there's Christmas! All that yuletide merriment and such-like, topped with a seasonal special of Dr Who! And I'd forgotten completely about the new Bond film and a new release from Oasis!

Yes... it'll be the 2007 GP season will be here before I know it! I probably won't even have a moment to think about it. Busy, Busy Busy!!

... 145 Days 13 Hours, 32 Minutes and 11 Seconds!

History, My Story ...Everybody's Story!

2006-10-17T11:17:00.000+01:00

Following the news last week of the Korean bomb, I told of my plans to Case my garden shed in lead and prepare for the worst. I was ready to adopt a life of hermitude equipped only with £2000 worth of Pot Noodles and a Game Boy. After pondering on various places in which to build my shelter, I finally settled on adopting the old environmentalists tactic of making a peace/love camp high up in the trees. (Well you’d need something to do when it was all over!)

The council however had other ideas, and soon told me to take it back down again as:

A: Apparently I needed planning permission and
B: The 200 year old oak tree I had chosen carried some sort of preservation order.

Basically I had just 24 hours to get this thing down before they slapped a court order on me. I reluctantly acquiesced and headed back to the woods where thankfully a combination of Gravity and half-arsed labour had beaten me to it. All that was left was a small pile of debris and the hope that no dogs had been relieving themselves against the aged oak at crucial moment.

I’ll blame it on a freak lightning bolt!

It’s probably for the best. There is a lot going on at the moment that it was probably the wrong time to start my hermitude. There is the Final Showdown between Schumacher & Alonso at Interlagos, The introduction of new Spicy Zinger Chicken at KFC, and Footballers seemingly taking my advise to heart and beginning to play with enough passion to Hospitalise half the Premiership.

Noel Edmonds continues his rise to World Domination, David Cameron is getting upset about Cows farting and somehow, somebody has managed to rake up even more Embarrassing stories about David Blunkett.

OK so these times may not match the splendour of Ancient Rome, The roads no longer lead anywhere as they’ve been turned into bus lanes, and the Vestal Virgins may all be claiming Child Support, but it’s still a fantastic moment in history.

Which is why the National Trust want everybody to "Blog their Day" and try to build a comprehensive guide for future Generations on the delights in living in the World of iPods and James Blunt.

So to get involved in Britains biggest blog, and get your chance to be listed the archives of the British Library, why not take a look at the History Matters website

History Does Matter, and unlike that splintered Oak Tree it will be around forever!

To Dream the Improbable Dream

2006-10-12T12:19:00.000+01:00

It has to be said that I don’t particularly care for Soccerball. I would go as far as to say I don’t know my Arsenal from my Elbow!

Which is why on days like this morning I feel slightly isolated from the Water Cooler talk about David Beckham’s imminent return, or something called a 3-5-2.

In fact the only part of last nights England International I did catch was the fantastic moment when the Goalkeeper forgot how to kick a ball and watched it trickle into his own net.

It took me back to my own school days, where many a games lesson was ended by me being locked a kit cupboard which was slowly being filled with fire extinguisher foam.

But of course I was never a professional sportsperson and so my total lack of hand-eye-foot-head co-ordination is justifiable. If you are being paid £50,000 a week to play football, it should be too much to ask that you be able to kick a ball with your foot!

While I was at the Water Cooler expressing this opinion and generally mocking the entire team, I was fixed with a gaze and asked “But where’s your sense of national pride?”

Has it really come to this? Has the idea of pride in our Nation been reduced to nothing more than wearing a white shirt and singing “Football’s coming Home” or “Ten German Bombers in the Sky”

There was a time when everything about being British was great. Brunel was building the world, and Queen Victoria was running it. London was the centre of Science and innovation and our Industry was the envy of the World.

Now our cars are built by the Americans and the Germans, our industry has been knocked down and replaced by Retail Parks or Designer Housing. Even the Queen Mary 2 - the flagship of the merchant fleet and the very symbol of “Britannia rules the waves” - was built by the French.

The French are a country who know how to exhibit National Pride and Ambition. Just look at the Tarn Valley Bridge: £270million, 1.5 miles long, 36,000 tonnes and 270 metres up in the sky. The clouds actually float under your car! They could actually stand the Eiffel Tower underneath it but it would probably piss off the people of Paris.

The last Bridge we built across the River Thames had to be closed after a day because it was too wobbly!

We don’t know who we are or where we’re going because we just don’t look at the big picture. If that bloke with the crazy sideburns from the Space Flight centre in Leicester announced that Britain would by 2017 land a man on Mars, would we get behind the project and reach for the stars? No, we’d moan that the money grabbing git was taking beds away from the NHS, books out of Schools and Speed Cameras off the M4.

The football team is just a reflection the nation at large. Tired, uninspired and quickly falling behind the rest of the world whilst still bleating on about long-past glories.

As a Nation we have been asleep for a long time. Perhaps it’s now time to Dream again. Remember, The Tarn Valley Bridge may have been built by the French, but it was dreamt up by a Brit.

And if we can Design a road that flies above the clouds, I suppose we might even manage to Qualify for the European Football Championships.

Paul Hunter

2006-10-10T12:48:00.000+01:00

Three-time Masters Champion Paul Hunter has died of cancer at the age of 27.

The Leeds man was taken to Kirkwood Hospice last Friday but died Monday evening.

Paul was diagnosed in March 2005 with dozens of neuro endocrine tumours on the lining of his stomach.

He endured months of chemotherapy, but continued to play snooker after a year off to fight the disease.

Paul leaves wife Lyndsey and baby daughter Evie, who was born on Boxing Day last year.

He will be sorely missed by everyone, and our thoughts go out to his family and friends at this difficult time.

Farewell to the longest weekend

2006-10-09T14:46:00.000+01:00

Now it will come as no surprise I’m sure, to hear me confess to being quite lazy.

It’s true that even as I sit here now I am weighing the pressures of full bladder vs the soft padded comfort of my reclining office chair.

Usually at the weekend I shall fall into my bed in the early hours of the morning and stay there until Monday. However there are always exceptions!

The Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka has always been one such exception. There are some fly-away races which I don’t mind watching 12 hours later on the replay. Suzuka though, probably due to it often being the place were the World Championship has been decided, is always watched live.

This is where my lazyness comes to into play.

I cannot set an alarm clock for 5-to-6 and get-up. In fact in order for me to be up for 6 the alarm would probably need to have been ringing since 4. So Suzuka for me has always been an all-nighter, if you can’t get up then just don’t go to bed!

Suzuka is one of those places that never gives you a boring race, again probably because the fate of the World Championship is usually at stake. I cannot believe that this weekend may have been the grand old circuit’s swansong.

And what a GP she gave to us. A totally unexpected championship swing against Michael Schumacher as his Ferrari splutters to a halt under the flyover.

In the meantime I will fondly remember all those years sitting in my living room in the dark, fighting back the sleep. I will remember the one-man conga line I did around my living room when Damon Hill won the championship in 1996. I will remember Schumacher stalling on the grid there in 1998. I will remember the battles Royale between Senna and Prost, and the Rain affected GP of 1994 (Possibly Damon’s finest Drive!)

The Japanese Grand Prix will move to the rather less exciting Fuji circuit next season, and only time will tell whether that becomes an event worthy of an all nighter.

In the meantime, if anybody wants me, I’m off for a power nap!

Don’t Panic, Don’t Panic!

2006-10-09T14:10:00.000+01:00

“…The Koreans have got the bomb, don’t Panic!!”

That’s probably what Lance Corporal Jones would have said had he heard the news this morning. Of course Clive Dunn’s famous character was I guess in his 80’s in the 1940’s so his chances of having made it until the 60’s were pretty slim.

Still no time for that, gotta build a bomb shelter!

Well bomb shelters were kinda pricey so I’m just going to clad this flatpack shed with corrugated iron. I’ll just leave a small gap for the window to be opened, don’t want it to get too stuffy in there!

Right then I suppose I’d have to stay in there a while, so some sort of beverage and daily comestibles would be required. Now space is going to be an issue so I’ll have to cut it right down the basics. My Meal ration will be a Pot Noodle and a 4-pack of Cobra Lager.

Now 3 meals a day for… well it’s gonna be a while, let’s say a year! That’s 1,095 Pot Noodles and 4,380 Bottles of Indian Ale. I’m going to obvious need a Kettle to prepare my potted meal and some sort of refrigeration for my lager – well we’re not savages!

OK, I’ll strap a generator to the roof and a ladder to the side of the shed so I can climb up and refuel the … FUEL!!!

I’m going to need a healthy stock of Diesel to keep that chugging away. Now lets say that in a week it will use about half of what it takes to run my car, that’s gonna be £7,200 Worth of juice, and I’ve just spent £1,600 on Pot Noodles!

Space is becoming an issue, I might have to move this shed into some sort of warehouse. Let’s make it one with it’s own forklift, it’ll help ease the boredom, perhaps some crates to form the outline of a track!

Ok so where am I now on costs… about £250,000 plus the costs of a forklift licence.

And I haven’t even begun to think about a fully plumbed toilet and digital TV so I can watch Motor Racing.

Ah sod Armageddon, I’ll just go down the pub like everyone else!

The Age of the Train? ...well 30 actually!

2006-10-04T15:00:00.000+01:00

Happy Birthday to a true British Icon

Some call it the High Speed Train, others the Intercity 125 - Those who wear bright coloured waterproofs and stand on railway platforms in Crewe might even be heard to mutter that it’s a Class 43 DMB with 8-car MkIII Consist - I just think they’re Brilliant!

OK so the TGV is bigger, faster, smoother shinier and almost any other “er” you can Imagine, but it was also expensive, and back in the 1970’s Britain was Broke!

The ageing fleet of Diesels needed to be replaced, and there was demand for a High Speed Train to bring the network into the 20^th century. The problem was that when it came to running a super-quick train, it was advantageous not to have Victorian bendy tracks. The French and the Japanese had led the way with super straight, superfast railways. That was going to be expensive!

The solution was to build a train which could run at these speeds on the existing track, without the need for a massive reconstruction of the rail network.

Now much of this network was still unpowered at the time, and the Advanced Passenger Train project (The tilty train) would have meant that a massive electrification project was needed. So it would take a diesel to do the job, and what a diesel they got – 2250bhp!

Eventually the Tilty trains would be abandoned after somebody felt a bit queasy, and the 125’s would be the staple of the network until electrification was complete in the 90’s.

My first trainset as a kid was of an Intercity 125, and the first time I ever saw one at Euston Station, I knew that one day I would be an engine driver! Years later of course I took a job in the advertising industry – So I have a short attention span!

Like Concorde, the Routemaster, the Mini and the Spitfire, the Intercity 125 is an emblem of Britain – an understated design classic. May they ride our rails for years to come, and seldom breakdown or encounter the wrong kind of snow.

The Incredible Hulkenberg & Other Short Stories

2006-10-04T10:42:00.000+01:00

Well what a weekends racing we had, and just goes to show what a bit of precipitation can do to spice up the on track action. Add to this mix one of the Great Arenas of Motorsport and you were pretty much guaranteed a memorable experience.

I am not of course talking about the exploits of Schumacher et al in China, but of a meeting which kicked off Live, at a much more sociable hour!

I wrote last week about the success of the A1GP series last year, and judging by the series opening at the mighty Zandvoort, this sophomore year is going to be something very special indeed.

It didn’t seem to matter that by knocking 10 minutes off the sprint race it had become more pointless than ever, because those ten minutes were added to the feature – and the feature was a corker.

Of course it was slightly annoying that when the Dutch heavens finally opened in a monsoon-like styleé, we shot back to a London studio and some slightly embarrassed faces. Still it is reassuring to know that it is not only my sky dish that won’t work in the rain.

France led, then Britain looked to Steel the Show but were caught out by the rain. Then to the Home fans delight the Dutch car took the lead, but gambled the track would stay wet and would eventually be caught. The USA braved the wet on slicks in a gamble which very nearly paid off, but it was to be Germany who eventually came through at the flag to taste the bubbly.

This series in it’s second year is overflowing with talented young drivers eager to show the world what they can do, and the series is stronger for it.

It was even alleged that Mercedes motorsport supremo Norbert Haug has skipped the Chinese GP, to go and watch Hulkenburg. He must have been pleased with what he saw.

Dispite Jon’s opinions to the opposite, I can see a long and healthy future for the A1GP, after all Jon did tell me with all sincerity 3 years ago that there would never be another GP at Silverstone - apparently 2007 ticket sales are going very well!

It is sadly lost on Sky to the casual viewer, and would benefit from a terrestrial Highlights package. The Qualifying is still bonkers and the Sprint race could afford with loosing another 20 minutes and disappearing altogether. However the ingredients are there, and I can't wait until they arrive back at Brands Hatch in February.

It all of course continues this weekend at Brno, and I shall certainly be watching.

- Oh and apparently there is an F1 race as well!

The Wall Game

2006-09-29T14:59:00.000+01:00

Now here at Brysonline we know a bandwagon when we see one and are always keen to throw ourselves enthusiastically in its direction.

Newspapers have tried many things over the years to encourage people away from the free websites and back to the Daily press with all that need to know stuff like; Who’s Tara Palmer Bananarama bonking now, and what David Beckham thinks about Cheese.

As if the nocturnal habits of the so-called celebritys wasn’t enough to have you stampeding to the newsagents with your 40p, they sweeten the deal by offering you that little bit more. My bookshelves are near bursting point with complementary Mr Men books, Dad’s Army DVDs and of course the Daily Mails Children’s collection, which I am to treasure for years to come… apparently!

Don’t tell anybody but I’m actually using Treasure Island to prop up my wobbly desk and The Railway Children to swat crane flies.

Now of course the order of the day is Wallcharts. From my beautifully illustrated wallchart I can now play an amateur David Bellamy in my own back garden. Unfortunately the only animals I could find in my back garden are Next doors cat, and a slightly podgy wood pigeon – neither of which was shown on my Chart of British Butterflies.

And so Brysonline is pleased to announce out own range of Wallcharts which can be yours to treasure for only £79.99 and 15 proofs of purchase from the Gibraltar branch of Marks & Spencer.

They Include:

• The 9’o-clock Scale: How to tell if Macca is Pissed
• Jim’s guide to Fighting your own Garage Door
• Adams Countdown to Casino Royale
• JB’s guide to Great British Hats
• WW1 Airship Recognition
• and Big Nige Drinks the Lagers of the World

All are painstakingly created by experts in the medium of crayon, and presented in a special presentation padded envelope – only used once before!

An Itsy Bitsy Cock-up!

2006-09-28T17:04:00.000+01:00

Just picture the scene: there you are about to tuck into your Breakfast, you open the news paper and read to your astonishment that you’re dead!

This scenario played out for Paul Vance, the man who wrote the song "Itsy Bitsy, Teenie Weenie, Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"

Even the BBC News website for a time carried this story. I know as I was tempted to make a comment on it, along the lines of "Timmy Mallett however, is still very much alive and well!"

The man who had actually died had for years claimed to have written the song, but these claims were never substantiated.

Needless to say Mr Vance’s family and friends, still trying to get over the news of his death, must have been blown away when they went round to pay their respects and he answered the door!

A1 at 2

2006-09-28T14:23:00.000+01:00

It’s going to mean a few early starts this weekend as the Grand Prix season hits the home stretch. The almost comically out-of-proportion Shanghai circuit will play host to what will most probably be the next round of the Schumacher retirement bash.

Of course Renault, as always, will be doing everything to ruin the party. New swanky engines with extra zing (Technical terms all!) and a driver with less a chip, more an entire potato harvest on his shoulder.

Between the Last stand of the old master and the Indefatigable, almost clockwork precision of Alonso, this is certainly going to be a good race. Let us all hope that the rest of the season play’s out without "outside interference"

This weekend also marks the second birthday of A1GP. 12 months on from the naysayers predictions of doom, the series is back and looking strong. Circuits that failed to promote the series have fallen by the wayside and made room for Brno, Taupo and the ever exciting Zandvoort. After a year on the road cheering on Jos Verstappen the Dutch have been rewarded with their own race, and it was an almost immediate sell-out. (I know, I tried to get tickets!)

After a fantastic first race at Brands - on a glorious day as I nostalgically remember –my interest in the series dropped, to the point I then missed the first half of the season. Team France topped the results pages in Autosport and it looked a one sided contest. In terms of points, wins and prizemoney it was, but that was almost to miss the point.

It was rare that France ever had an entire race go their way. Brazil, GBR, The Swiss and the Dutch were always knocking on the door, and Canada and South Africa also tasted the bubbly.

The fact was that even though the podiums did look a bit regular, the races that lead to them never were! As a format A1GP worked, even when the cars and the tyres didn’t. By the end of the season it was beginning to look like the races could be won by anyone. You only have to look at the podium for Shanghai last year to see that the form book could be thrown away by any driver ready to raise the bar.

And so as it enters it’s second season promising action all the way, I raise my glass to A1GP – Long may it last!

And good luck to Darren Manning and Team GBR!

Hamster Update

2006-09-28T13:43:00.000+01:00

Richard Hammond has been photographed laughing and joking as he is moved from the Leeds Hospital in which he has been since his accident last Wednesday.

The Top Gear presenter is making remarkable progress as he recovers from his 300mph jet-car accident.

We look forward to seeing him make a full recovery as soon as possible.

WMD - Winged Menaces of "Durr"

2006-09-27T12:43:00.000+01:00

As a follow-up to Nige's post about our resident retarded winged rats, I am compelled to inform you of a very recent near miss while on my lunch break earlier today.

Not only is the common pigeon so stoopid it can't tell when a two tonne vehicle is careering towards it at bone-annihilating speed, but they are also completly oblivious to their surroundings when in flight as well, as I came within a few inches of being impaled, javelin-stylee by the little buggers. I could actually hear the "whoosh" of the air as it beamed past - a couple a inches to the right and it would've smashed a couple of my ribs.

It's things like this that scars a man for life, not being smacked when you were little. I'm surprised there haven't been fatalities in Trafalgar Square, or at least a few bird-related injuries on Casualty.

It's not just pigeons either. Only a few months ago at Le Mans, Nige almost suffered a fatal head wound as a missled toward him. Had he not have ducked, Tom, Macca and myself would've had to break the news to his parents that "Nige was impaled by a tit". But on reflection that night, it's what he would have wanted.

So in conclusion, we should all count our blessings. We may avoid being hit by a car or mugged on the street, but far too little time is taken to consider the risks of the low flying bird. So if you see one while driving and it's in your way - hit it. Don't slow down, flash your lights or parp it, because nothing is more satisfying than seeing a localised fireworks-esque plume of feathers. The best part is, if it's a pheasent, the person behind you is allowed to take it, cook it and eat it.

Do you know anyone who'd complain about a free meal?

Another Victory for Science

2006-09-26T10:04:00.001+01:00

Just 24 hours ago I pleaded with the worlds clever people to stop working on whizzier weather forecast graphics and instead turn their attention to the things that will make life better in the 21st century.

I can now announce that they have done me proud. Scientists have now invented, oh I can hardly control the excitement, a Hypoallergenic Cat.

So now even the strongest of allergy sufferers can enjoy all the fun of owning a cat, and I'm told there is some.

Understandably these specially tweeked moggies cost a fair old whack, but they do replace the current Anti-Allergy System as demonstrated here by my Auntie Merryl and Mister Tom.

Personally I am going to hold out until they can make them glow in the dark, but it's a step in the right direction.

The scientists are back on the game. Those Jetpacks will be in the shops by Xmas!!

Rain or Shine?

2006-09-25T12:47:00.000+01:00

It’s getting to that time of year where the weather forecasters reach for their favourite word, Autumnal. It is a word that can be used to describe a large number of meteorological outcomes without actually describing anything at all.

In fact I watched a weather bulletin the other night and came away absolutely none the wiser as to whether or not I should be donning shorts or waterproofs. I did however learn that is was going to be a bit breezy in Ireland, which wasn’t really going to come in handy.

It’s not the poor forecasters fault of course. They have just a few quick moments to say what’s going on in every part of this Atlantic island rock we call home. Just a few quick moments to give each of the 60million people who live here the weather news for their locality, and still have to look smug whilst doing it.

Back-in-the-day it was all so much easier. If there was a Big Yellow Sun or a Big Black cloud over my house then I had a pretty good Idea what was going on. Now I have to tell if I fall into the Dingy brown or the Shitty brown, and even then I have no idea which means what.

Yellow Sun brings images of sea-sides and 99’s and old men with hankies on their heads. The thought of a fast moving front of shitty brown bearing down on you like a turdal tsunami is enough to drive you to emigrate, rather then think fondly of summers past.

I know we live we live in the 21^st century and that everything should be whizzy and have flashy lights and stuff. And whereas I love the fact that I will soon be able to carry everything ever commercially recorded by anyone around on my iPod, and can’t wait for the first VR Consoles, not everything needs to be fixed.

Like the wheel, some things just work. Some thing’s everybody can understand!

And a big yellow cartoon sun was one of those things!

So stop trying to jazz up the weather forecasts, just tell me the weather! And put all those science people to work on building me the Jetpack I was Promised!

Free Publicity!!!

2006-09-24T17:36:00.000+01:00

Nige is always on at me saying that I should use Bryson as a free publicity tool. So I am.

Yesterday saw me heading to Brands for the qualifying day for the British Touring Car Championship that Neil maintains is dull. But I wanted some nice shots of some nice cars. So I went along with my step ladder, some sandwiches and a memory card. Although I should have gone with 2 memory cards. The other one was sat on the desk just over there (not my stolen desk...)

So if you want to see the pics then go here!

Stop Thief!!!

2006-09-21T20:40:00.000+01:00

The thieving little bastards!!! Aside from the amazement of me actually making a post, I carry terrible news about the state of the nation.

Not content with breaking into the site office for my construction hard hat modelling company, they broke everything they could possibly lay their hands on. But that's not the hilarious thing...

You see, they stole my desk. They actually physically stole my work desk. But left my work computer. I mean, someone somewhere is going to be sold a second hand desk that has been used and abused on site for the best part of 5 years.

So beware people of the internet. If you go to a car boot sale and there's a desk with my size 13's imprinted on it then for God's sake don't buy.

I took half the bolts out of it in boredom on Tuesday.

Knowing the Risks

2006-09-21T14:07:00.000+01:00

According to the latest news this lunchtime, Richard Hammond remains seriously ill at a Leeds Hospital although his condition is now described to be stable. The BBC news reported that Top Gear co-hosts Jeremy Clarkson and James May have been at his bedside.

The three presenters have become a global success after steering the show from a bland BBC consumer programme to the unmissable entertainment extravaganza it has become. I know from a personal Level that the first thing I usually say in the pub on a Monday night is “Did you see Top Gear last night?”

However the show has become increasingly a target for certain bands of the political spectrum. Lobbyists call for the programme to be cancelled for “Glamorising Speed” and it has been Openly criticised by MPs.

Recent events, and the investigation which is sure to follow, are sure to be the catalyst for a charge of the Cotton Wool brigade.

“Motor Racing is Dangerous” reads the bold text on the back of every ticket, and the recent Death of Peter Brock is surely testament to that fact.

But in a world were Kids can only play conkers if wearing goggles, and sunbathers are encouraged to tan through a radiation suit, there are still people who are prepared to fight against the monotony and take these risks. All necessary precautions are taken but ultimately nothing can prevent the unexpected.

Like Steve Irwin, Richard knew the risks of what he was doing, but chose to do it anyway because that’s what he loved. This incident should not be allowed to let critics of Top Gear tear it apart. Now is not the time to use his name to fight against what he believed in.

We all wish “Hamster” the best and our thoughts remain with his family.

Hammond Accident

2006-09-20T22:36:00.000+01:00

I'm sure I speak for all of us here when I say that tonight our thoughts are with Richard Hammond who, according to the BBC News, has been seriously injured while filming the new series of Top Gear.

He has recieved serious injuries following an accident whilst filming in a jet powered car, and his condition is tonight reported as "Critical".

We are all fans of both Richard and TG, and had been talking about seing him live at the MPH06 show in November.

We all hope for swift news of his recovery

Seeing Red? - You May Be!

2006-09-20T11:05:00.000+01:00

It has long been the opinion of this enthusiast that Motor Racing should be a simple affair. X amount of cars have to cover Y miles, the first to do so, let's call em "Z", gets a nice Cup and serenaded by his/her national anthem. In general that concept has applied to most forms of Road Racing since the early days of the Gordon Bennett Trophy Races.

What always riles me are the small tweaks series keep making to “Make it Interesting for the Fans” I still cannot understand why at the end of a GP Qualifying session, for example, Cars tootle round for 10 or twenty laps just burning fuel. What’s wrong with putting a smaller amount of fuel in the car, and letting the driver get straight down to doing the zippy stuff.

Today Autosport’s website reports that Bridgestone, slightly concerned at the major drop in public interest after they become the sport’s lone tyre supplier, want’s to introduce a Champcar style double compound system.

This means that a team will, at some point during a race, have to switch from a Hard Compound Tyre to a Soft Compound tyre, these softer compound tyres will be indicated to the Joe Spectator by the presence of a red walled tyre.

The argument is that it forces teams to think of strategy; do they run the faster, softer tyres early, or save them for a late race surge.

I dislike that word strategy, it’s useful if you are chess grand master, but I don’t choose to spend my Sundays watching chess. If you look at my XYZ Formula I set out at the beginning, strategy doesn’t even feature.

Surely the 2005 season, one of the most exciting for many years, owed everything to the rule change that stated Tyres must last an entire race distance. In other words 2005 proved that tyres should remain a condiment to the main course meal that is the sport. I don’t want them fried up and offered to me as a garnish.

I apologise my mind is wondering, it’s nearly lunchtime!

So here’s a suggestion to spice up racing, stop adding silly rule changes and go back to XYZ. Cars can go 200 miles on one set of tyres, in fact it helps separate the good drivers from the great drivers, as they will be able to conserve the ones they have. Fuel stops may make great telly with the constant threat of a Pit Lane BBQ, but it is an unnecessary risk. Cars should be able to go 200 Miles on one tank of go-go juice. In fact they did so quite happily for years.

There doesn’t need to always be an overcomplicated and expensive solution to a problem that doesn’t exist. It’s can all be as simple as XYZ!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

2006-09-19T16:36:00.000+01:00

Those of you who are keen of eye and regular of bowel might have noticed that the site looks a bit different today. If the site looks decidedly different and features non of the animal welfare information you were looking for then I’d advise that you have come to the wrong page and should in fact try the RSPCA.

Obviously with me investing a lot of time in the complete rebuild of JB’s site I have been neglecting this one slightly, but never fear dear friends (or in fact be very scared indeed- depending on your mood) for I shall endevour to put fingers to keyboard and come up with something soon.

In the mean time Ad’s assures me that he has plenty more jokes left over from his short but memorable stint in the Christmas Cracker factory, and Rumour has it that Chi-Chi may even post something!

I however would place that last newsflash in the bracket of “Loch Ness Monster Sighted” or “Charlotte Church given own Chatshow”

…what really?

Well then I suppose anything’s possible!

Legends of Olde West Chilt - Part 34

2006-09-19T16:28:00.000+01:00

Twas the year of our lord 1639, as it had been for four years before that, it seemed the century was in denial it had ever hit 40, In the quiet streets and noisy nightclubs of the small Sussex hamlet that became West Chiltington (It was in a more Easterly direction at the time) a sinister plot was unfolding like a ill-constructed origami swan. The Streets were deserted, save the ever-present presence of the Slothmaster Persuivant and his ASDA Sausage roll. (As you all know from history 1639+4 was the year of the Great Ginsters Strike).

As he looked from left to right, from north to south, from Lazzards to Snizkapadiens he could see not a soul on the streets. For it was dark and he was wearing sunglasses!

Beyond the Grand entrance to Ye Olde Queens none could be seen, and as the White Everest van sped through the deepest of puddles, there was not a soul to splashed!

The Slothmaster Stands and decrees aloud "Well bugger this then!" as he trundles down east street towards his next desirable destination of destiny.

In a small Cellar beneath the Newsagents, a crowd had gathered, they were away from the prying eyes of all who could see, however all who might have seen where in the room too, so it almost defied the point.

Why they had gathered in this place, they were to suprise the only man who was not yet hidden, to mark the anniversary of his birth.

The only noise, an constant rhythmic metronome as Ted and Justine played table tennis with two Wagon Wheels and a Cadburys Crème Egg

All around the sinister & devious eyes looked shiftily at one another, nobody trusting the others not to steal their private stash of Terry's Chocolate Oranges

As the air in the room drew less, they pondered on their friends non-arrival, and the fact that door had shut, and could only be opened from the outside

Dismayed by the absence of all, the Slothmaster faded away into the night. 40 years had passed by the time he next ambled into West Chiltington to discover in his horror, everybody had lost their hair!

The Last Encore

2006-09-19T16:22:00.000+01:00

When Blair’s secret retirement memo was leaked and splashed all over the papers, the phrase that sparked my imagination was “Leave them like the star who wouldn’t give that final encore”

Now I was thinking, what if he was to do that encore. What if at the end of the party conference he was to climb on stage with his bow tie pulled open and give them all one final hurrah. “Piano, Maestro….”

And now, the end is near;

And so I face the dinner circuit

One Hundred grand a night

Depending on how hard I work it

I’ve lived a life of spin

Put bus lanes, on every highway

But the Unions, they won’t have this

They still want higher pay.

Wars, I’ve had a few;

WMD, I shall not mention

I did all, I had to do

When George called it to my attention

I planned a legacy of hope

Saved cuddly foxes from extinction

And for a while they all forgot about

MRSA

Yes, there were times, it looked so bleak

When Prescott was, joke of the week

But through it all, I fought it out

I got my caring, coffee cup out

I faced the press, smiled at them all

Until they went Away

I tried to cure, world poverty

The Olympic bid, was won by me

Of course, we’ll get it done

Just don’t mention Wembley

Oh yes Britain, she has grown

Me at the tillar, me on the throne

Until they stabbed me in the back

Said Tony, Go Away!

What’s a PM, What has he Got?

If his backbenchers, decieve and plot!

The fog of war, has blinded me

Iraq will prove my legacy

The record shows, I Ignored the Polls

And did it my way!

Join us next week for John Prescott singing Home on the Range, and Margaret Beckett’s caravan of Love

Bad Joke Alert!

2006-09-15T13:54:00.000+01:00

I know it's been a while, and I only have ten minutes to write and post this, so no faffing about...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack," he said, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Sorry, I won't do anything like that again.

The Not Quite News

2006-09-12T16:21:00.000+01:00

Brysonline regrettably announces the near hospitalisation of contributor Nige. It is believed that he had made a foolhardy attempt to hold his breath until one of the others finally made a post.

He was found in a Northerly direction by a delivery boy from his local Tandoori, they had apparently been alarmed that his Nightly Madras order had not been received. Early reports suggest that after he had turned blue, he not only passed out but also passed water. After helping himself to a reasonable tip and watching a few films on Sky Box office, the delivery boy raised the alarm by lighting a cigar too close to the smoke detector.

Nige is believed to have been taken to a nearby hospital by the medics but managed to escape and make his way into a pub for last orders.

Police are asking that if a slightly inebriated man in an open backed gown is spotted, he should not be approached, especially from the rear.

Unexpected Surprise’s

2006-09-11T16:04:00.000+01:00

Well when it finally came I am sure everybody was equally shocked my Michael Schumacher’s spontaneous retirement. Or rather as spontaneous as you can get without the entire Motor Racing community having been openly discussing it for over 12 months now.

I did hear a report of an elderly gentlemen in Loughborough who leaped up in shock as the announcement was made, but it later transpired that a mid-air collision between his pouncing cat and a coffee cup was to blame. Apparently if he keeps applying the lotion as advised then he will be back to his old trouser wearing self by Thursday.

I'd imagaine the trackside spectators at Lydden Hill on Saturday were surprised by the sight of a Photographer falling head first into a stack of tyres. Fear not fellow enthusiasts as I can tell you that he escaped with only a small bruise to his ego. This I know as it was none other than our own resident Amateur Photographer and trainee tumbler, JB.

I’m sure he will expand on this story at a later date as I know he has to Plug his own website from time to time, and he has some pictures he would greatly like to sell you all. (Unfortunately he doesn’t have a photo of his legs waving helplessly from that tyre stack but we will all be keeping an eye out for this weeks Autosport.)

One of the biggest surprise’s I have ever received occurred exactly 12 months ago today.

At the bequest of the Lesser-spotted Macca we had all been summoned to the pub where we were expecting a special announcement.

Obviously the Bryson rumour mill sprang into action and we had guessed everything from them having bought a new house, to getting engaged, or even the prospect of the soon to be lesser heard footsteps from an ickle lesser spotted maccette!

What did happen stunned us all. It was the return of Chi-Chi and Mrs Chi-Chi from their round the world Honeymoon (12 months early!)

Of course the shock was even greater as just 5 days earlier we had all gone out to a curry house to mark their Wedding Anniversary and to toast absent friends, had we waited a week they’d have been there!

So tonight we will gather again as Chi-Chi recounts the tale of how stunned we were, and I’m sure we’ll all have a good laugh at the thought of JB’s legs waving from that tyre stack!

Lights, Camera, Action!

2006-09-11T13:23:00.000+01:00

In Truth there has only really been one good film about Grand Prix Racing, the aptly named 1966 effort “Grand Prix” by John Frankenheimer.

Of course a few years ago Sylvester Stallone came with an Idea to make a more modern Film, but was denied the access he needed and eventually went off to Champ Car. (Probably for the best as I’m sure anyone who has ever sat through “Drivel”… I mean “Driven” would agree).

I however think I have had a great idea for a cracking, if ever-so-slightly cliched script. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you “The Will To Win”

Picture the opening Sequence, a young boy forces his way through the crowds to pear though a gap in the fence. His be-bearded Hero has just won his home Grand Prix and is seemingly waltzing to the title.

Now comes the bit of Action to liven things up a bit, who wants to see a film about somebody who always has it their own way. We introduce another character, an Old Master.

In a darkened room men converse, they decide that the field needs to be levelled here. The Old Master is nearing the end of his illustrious career and they can’t let him leave the scene a broken and beaten man.

So rules are changed and suddenly our hero finds his car Illegal. In an act of desperation he shaves off his beard, but it’s not enough. The advantage he had has gone, and what’s more he’s finding his lead eroding away, but it’s not going quick enough. Suddenly he finds that he is penalised again, this time for something so trivial even his rival drivers are stunned. Fighting from the back he gets to within spitting distance of a championship saving podium in his rivals back-garden when his car breaks, dumping him by the roadside.

After all these months it has just come down to a straight shoot out between the old master and his until recently comically be-bearded Spanish rival. Our hero verses the conspiracy to send the old master off with yet another title, and an unbeatable place in history.

But in true Hollywood form our Hero at the last corner of the last lap takes the lead to the championship and a moral victory!

Of course it would all just be fiction, it says so during the end credits. Any connection to characters living or dead is purely co-incidental

End of the Road?

2006-09-08T16:50:00.000+01:00

Last weekend, whilst wondering through the Goodwood Paddock, I stumbled upon what at first seemed to be Morris Minor. It was in fact a Holden engined Austin A30, in Blue and Yellow and bearing the image of a cartoon Kangaroo. The name on this unlikely looking racing machine was Peter Brock. The Aussie Maestro scored 102 wins in that car from 65 Meetings. As I pictured in my mind the sight of this car balanced on the edge of adhesion on the twists and turns of Mount Panorama, I thought ”Brockie, You sure had balls!”

Those thoughts came back to me this morning when JB told me the news of his death.

We all know and accept that Motor racing is a dangerous game, and thanks to the work of the unsung many we do now live in an age where fatalities are a rare thing at the top level. It is of course always the most shocking when accidents befall the very best.

I’m sure there will be many glasses raised to his memory in the Monza paddock this weekend as the Grand Prix season moves onto the home stretch.

One man who will certainly have a lot on his mind this weekend is another true Great of Motorsport – one M. Schumacher.

The big question on everybody’s lips this year has been will he go, or will he stay on?

Of course we only have to wait a few more hours to find out. If, as many believe, he announces that it is time to call it a day, it will be the end of Grand Prix racing’s most illustrious and controvertial career. Anybody who received a book of Motor Racing records prior to the 2000 season might as well tear it up, there is little left that Michael hasn’t stamped his name on in Style.

I freely admit that I have never been his most ardent supporter. We got off on the wrong foot in the early days due to his tendency keep bumping into Damon Hill. Over the years he his insatiable will to win has lead to many well publicized moments of madness which have been documented over and over at length elsewhere.

Yet I do feel proud that I was a witness to this man, to this chapter in Motor Racing history which will be talked about for as long as cars are raced. I was at Silverstone when he scored his 80^th Grand Prix victory, and if he can lead the field home tomorrow he will have reached 90. To put that into perspective, Jackie Stewart’s entire career lasted 99 Races!

I am still secretly hoping that just maybe he will stay on another year, give us all the battle with Raikonnen we’ve been dreaming about. Perhaps even a shock move to finish his career where he started, behind the wheel of a Mercedes!

That said it will come as no surprise to me to hear that he will instead choose to spend the 2007 season sitting in front of the telly in his slippers, smoking the odd cigar. Who knows, maybe one year he too will come to Goodwood, I’d love to see what he could do with Brockie’s Austin.

Peter Brock

2006-09-08T09:25:00.000+01:00

The King of the Mountain, Australian Touring Car legend Peter Brock has died after an accident during a rally in Western Australia.

Brock who raced to Nine victories in the Legendary Bathurst 1000 race at Mount Panorama was 61 years old.

Motor Racing today has lost a true great, and Australia a national hero. To quote JB, "...we are privallaged to have seen him race"

The Bryson Boys Lexicon

2006-09-07T10:25:00.000+01:00

GAZEBO: A once innocent word referring to a simple wooden garden structure developed a whole new life after the nocturnal activities of one Bryson member were made public. Anyone fancy a quick Gazebo?

LAZZARD: Maccas slip of the tongue on a drunken night at Aux Portes du Circuit in Le Mans gave birth to a Bryson Battle Cry. Generally referring to being so drunk you can’t get your words out. Let’s Get Lazzard or On the Lazz are the most common uses.

SCORN: Feel my Scorn. Usually reserved for moments when somebody else has blagged something free and the rest of us did not.

FANTASTIC: Chi-Chi’s famous war-cry!

STYUF: Abbreviation of “See-through yet ultimately frustrating”, a source of great anxiety for Chi-Chi. Generally refers to articles of feminine nightwear.

WARP-FACTOR JON: Normal Life run at 3x the speed. Seemingly contradictory to the Bryson philosophy of general Sloth.

GROOVEARSE: Big Nige’s Mini Cooper as christened by Adams Sister.

GINGER: JB’s old Fiesta. His pride of having a new car vanished rapidly as out of the sea of blank faces comes the exclamation “…but it’s Ginger!” Eventually Replaced it with a Uniform Blue Diesel.

HO-HUM: For those moments when you should probably care a lot more about something than you actually do. Has in the past followed statements such as “X and I have split up” and “We’ve left James in Brighton again!”

T.J. BIMMY: A long running Bryson joke about the worlds worst country and western singing cowboy. Grew out of the early email correspondence between us whilst bored at work. He has in past written such legendary tunes as “Hodown in My Heart” and the seminal piece “Outlaw Man (From the Streets of Dagenham)”. His name, Timothy James Bimmy, came from a disastrous attempt by JB to name the members of the Famous 5. Timmy, Jimmy, Bimmy….

SPONTANIOUS HODOWN: An impromptu get-together

STUNT : Coming from Stunt Double, refers to when something is fake or not quite right, such as Tom-boys Stunt Tag Heuer with visible Airfix glue.

(THE CUPID) STUNTS: Our all conquering Pub Quiz team with the almost rude name. We are still campaigning hard for the return of the Monday Night Quiz. Became abbreviated to The Stunts or The Stunts on Tour when in a different pub.

STORYTIME ANTHOLOGY: A Series of Ten short Stories penned by Nige and sent around by email. Most were based in a vaguely familiar Historical Village and introduced characters such as Legendary Lawman Gus el Inferno, Yomo the Lad, The slightly singed delivery boy and the iconic Slothmaster Persuivant.

NOT APPLICABLE: Not Applicable Productions is the virtual studios set up by Nige to showcase his films made using the PC Game “The Movies”. On this page have been posted adaptations of much of the Storytime Anthology. Nige is especially proud of the Trilogy of Films starring Legendary Lawman Gus el Inferno. Heres a Link!

Big Nige's London Adventure & Other Short Stories

2006-09-04T11:31:00.000+01:00

So it’s been a bit quiet on here for the last seven days what with me being away and the others all having more interesting things to do, such as eating sausage rolls or taunting birds by sticking birdseed on the inside of windows*.

I’ll start with why I was away for a few days. Contrary to the popular rumours circulating in several Sussex pubs, I had not run off to join the British Equestrian team as Zara Phillips Masseuse.

The truth of the matter was that I had been sent to London. Firstly by my company to study in depth how to do this website thing, and secondly by the parish council who had thought my unkempt facial follicles might count against us if spotted by the best kept village judges.

And so I boarded a train and headed for our nations capital, Lambeth to be exact. In a hotel that boasted majestic views of Lambeth Palace and the Houses of Parliament I was spoiled with a view of – well it was a car park, 1960’s design, mostly concrete.

Now for anybody who has ever found themselves alone in a restaurant in a busy Hotel you will understand that feeling of being a bit of a tit. Firstly a book or a magazine is essential so you can bury your head in the pages and not see your fellow diners pointing and laughing. Secondly the staff are as desperate as possible to get you fed, watered and out the door as quickly as possible as the restaurant is busy and this lone diner is taking up the table that could be used by that family of four looking ever more impatient at the door.

And so most nights I decided that room service was a better way to go. The directions I was given to the venue of the course were also slightly worrying. Go down a small alley to a black door, know 3 times, ask for Steve then climb the stairs to the room above the bookies.

Thankfully it wasn’t being run by the mafia and I ploughed into a 3-day intensive course learning all about HTML code and various other things with over complicated names.

On Tuesday evening after my Room Service meal I headed across the river on the tube to find myself some entertainment. It hit me faster than I had anticipated as I left the stairs of the Underground Station to find myself in the middle of a fully blown Bollywood Dance number. There were 30 people all fully choreographed and in traditional Indian dress dancing around the base of Nelson’s Column . You simply don’t expect mass choreography on the streets of a major European capital, well unless Charlton Althetic win at home

And so I proceeded for 2 more days to get myself clever. The effects of this I hope will begin to show soon as I start to amend some of the things on this site that bug me. And then I am planning to make JB my first victim - I mean customer - when I tweak his SnappyRacers site into a lean mean web type thing. (I would have carried on the rhyming but would probably have had to pay George Foreman several million dollars)

I was going to go on further and discuss my weekend at the Goodwood Revival Meeting, Harlequins first game of the season, the Death of the Crocodile Hunter, and one of our number finding out that they ‘d been listed on a matchmaking website.

But I probably should be working for a living, so it’ll have to wait until next time.

* For legal reasons I have to say that No member of the Bryson team has ever been deliberately cruel to animals. Chi-Chi was once ejected from a popular theme park for kicking a man in a Mouse suit but maintains that it was entirely justified.

Hunt vs. Hill – THE FINAL!

2006-08-25T10:21:00.000+01:00

Ok so after a three month wait JB has finally made his case for James Hunt to be crowned King of Cool. So lets look at his arguments one by one:

1. A Handsome Chap: Ok so Hunt probably just snatches this one away from Hill in the manor of a heterosexual who doesn’t really want to think about this one too hard.

2. Successful: Yes Hunt won a world Championship, but Hill won two, and Le Mans, And the Indy 500, and…

3. Wild Private Life: Ok so Graham was more inclined to turn up with the family rather than an entire Quantas cabin crew, point for Hunt. Of course his private life also involved keeping budgies…

4. Danger, there his no question that the 1970s was a dangerous time for motorsport, Niki Lauda is testament to that. The point is though, was it any more dangerous than the 1960’s? Graham Hill’s second world championship was won after the Death of Jimmy Clark! The list of Motorsport casualties in Hills career hits much harder than the list for Hunts.

5. Spectacular Crashes: Ok so Hunt had the more spectacular shunts, while Graham Hill just sat back and got the job done. I don’t think there’s a lot of cool in walking away from a smoking pile of debris, but climbing out of a GP Winner looking like you have simply been for a stroll in the park?

6. JB’s final point of argument was the early manor of James Hunts passing. I cannot award something as trivial as a point for this. Both men were taken at a very young age. It is almost an Irony that despite Dangers they had faced on the track, both men would die away from it.

In response to JB's argument I make it 3-2 to Graham Hill

As I said in an earlier post: “In 1966 the world was cool, grand Prix racing was cool, and the coolest of them all was Graham Hill

These are just my thoughts. We will probably never reach a consensus on this one, and in the end it is futile to try.

In a world of thousand heroes, does it really matter who is King?

Round our way

2006-08-24T11:17:00.000+01:00

It’s true, it can be confirmed, there is an epidemic sweeping this country and the tabloids seem to have missed it completely.

While readers of the popular press are waxing lyrical about terrorists, fat smokers and assylum seekers, another far more worrying trend is showing itself in the avian world.

I am not of course talking about Bird Flu which dissappeared almost as quickly as it was supposed to kill us all, nor am I referring to rumours of Genetically modified chickens with 36 legs and no breast. I am talking about the increasing stupidity of pigeons.

There was a time not long ago when even a pigeons little brain would be able to warn it that a car is approaching at 40mph and it might be advisable to take advantage of it’s aerial capabilities.

However the pigeons round our way have seeming forgotten all about the wings sprouting from their shoulders and instead insist on walking around in the ambling manor more befitting of a courting couple or somebody who has just had a sizeable lunch.

When they do spot the approaching traffic and have taken 10 –20 seconds to review the situation, the standard response seems to be to walk a bit faster In the unfortunate yet slightly comical way pigeons have developed. Why it is an advantage to have your neck muscles connected to your thighs escapes me!

This morning I had to pick my way around 5 stubbon flying rats who each refused to accept the possible threat to them posed by a Dunlop tyre. Surely if they are oblivious to the noise created by a 1.6litre BMW powerplant then what chance do they stand againsts the steathy stalking of a master predator.

In fact the situation has got so bad that foxes round our way are starting to take the piss. I saw one the other day wearing Morris dancers bells on his legs and singing old school disco classics at an almost antisocial volume.

I think it’s time some sort of Avian Green Cross Code was developed to re-educate pigeons in Highway etiquette, before we end up with punctured tyres, endangered species and extremely fat and contented foxes.

In the meantime I have taken to sporting a message on my front bumper. It reads simply: “You can Fly you Muppets”

Nige on Cows & Super-fast Diesels

2006-08-23T11:07:00.000+01:00

It’s something we had all suspected, but thanks to “Language Specialists” it can now be confirmed that Cows do indeed have regional accents. I know it comes to many of us as quite a relief. I cannot count the sleepless nights I have spent wondering why it is only Cows from city farms in London that shoot me a jolly wink and call me “Guv’nor”.

Of course it does raise the questions of how much this research cost, who paid for it, and what other important stuff should it have been spent on? The problem as far as I see it is that apart from allowing the BBC to make more Bovine friendly regional programmes, it’s not the huge break-through in 21^st century science that is going to provide me with that Jet-Pack I really, really want.

Although it does allow everyone a day of coming up with interesting dairy-based place names such as Moocastle or ‘Uddersfield. Very A-Moo-sing

Moving away from the subject of pointless expenditure – congratulations to JCB for breaking the World Diesel Land Speed Record and commiseration’s of course to our own JB who had previously held the record for a Journey from Calais to Rouen.

The JCB Team topped 300mph at the legendary Bonneville Salt Flats. Sadly they didn’t do it in one of their range of Earth-movers as that would have made stunning telly.

News from the Bryson camp suggests that JB is currently readying his Ford Focus for a possible afternoon run – probably to Burger King*.

And so as we embrace this new age of diesel velocity, we can await the next revelations about the animal kingdom, my money is on Hamsters being very loyal to their local Football Clubs.

*Other things to eat at lunchtime are availiable, such as Sausage Rolls, Guava fruit and Chicken Madras

Kings of Cool: James Hunt

2006-08-22T21:21:00.000+01:00

This is easy this one. Ask 10 people on the street who the coolest racing driver in the world is and I reckon 8 of them would say James Hunt. He is the epitome of racing cool. I mean look at him (in a non-homosexual way).

First off, lets look at JB's list of requirements to be a cool racing driver and how Mr Hunt fairs:

Good looking - if I was a woman... More seriously, he was the heartthrob of the time. Maybe cos he was up against people like Emmo actually.
Successful - 1976 World Champion would suggest he was. Plus 14 poles and 10 wins. Thats more than lots of people. Not as much as any. I'd like to have won that much. And he did win in the Hesketh in the 1975 Dutch GP which is the equivalent of Bryson turning up drunk with a Vauxhall Astra and winning a GP.
Wild Private Life - Rumours persist he didn't go to bed the night before he became champion until 6am. And not alone.
Danger - Considering he was helped to the title by Lauda's crash on the Nordschleife, it can be successfully argued that Hunt raced in a dangerous world.
Crashes - Many of his early races were punctuated by massive accident. In one of his early Formula Ford races he managed to somersault into a lake. He would probably have drowned if he'd been wearing seatbelts. But he wasn't. Cos he couldn't afford them.
Early End - James left us after suffering a massive heart attack just hours after proposing to his girlfriend.A tragic end to a life that was in it's prime. The sport of F1 is a sadder place for it.

And yes, I've conveniently ignored the budgie thing.

Introducing...... JB!!!

2006-08-22T21:04:00.000+01:00

Look! I made a post...! Nigie advised me to make it memorable and long-lasting. So I'd thought I'd talk about something that is important to all of us. Alcohol.

In a moment of sheer foolishness I agreed to suffer the mental and physical toture of running a half-marathon. Some may laugh and point that I'm not running a full marathon. To them I wave my rude finger until that person proves that they can run longer and faster than me.

One of the unfortunate side effects of this - aside from actually doing the running (believe me its a downside) - is that I have to eat healthily and give up drinking for 3 months. I repeat that again. I have voluntarily given up alcohol and burgers for 3 months. Oh dear god. What have I got myself in to!!!

So should you see me curled in the foetal position outside of a pub, please take pity. Do not point and laugh. Do not wave pork scratchings at me. Do not offer me the contents of the drip tray.

Do however sponsor me.

***WARNING - SERIOUS BIT FOLLOWS***

I am running in the Barns Green half marathon on the 29th October 06. I'm running for St Catherine's Hospice which is something very dear to my heart. So if you want to sponsor me please send me an e-mail to jon@snappyracers.com

Great Sporting Controversies of our Time #54

2006-08-22T10:12:00.000+01:00

I have raised on these pages several times my apathetic approach to the sport of Cricket. England’s ashes triumph was celebrated wildly by those around me while I sat and pondered about how small and seemingly insignificant the trophy was.

That was one of the sports finest hours apparently (although I am sure no Australian would agree!) what went on yesterday however, was nobody’s finest hour.

I will never understand the need to make a game last five days just for the sake of it. The only games that ever lasted for five days were those football matches we used to play at lunchtimes in school. Those games that had 30 players a side and ended up with a Friday scoreline of 133-132, featuring pitches whose width was 3 times longer than it’s length.

The cricketing activities of Sunday took me right back to those days on the playing fields. Accusations of cheating followed by people refusing to play until somebody else apologised for calling their mother something unapropriate were a daily occurance when you were 12. At an international sporting event however...?

If it wasn’t bad enough for the Pakistani captain that he is going home after losing the series, and his being charged with ball tampering - he now has to get his entire touring side plus all their luggage through the current chaos of the British Airports.

Let’s just hope they’re not flying home on Monarch.

Still, if the accusations against them prove to be false I can more than sympathise. That Friday morning scoreline should have read 133-133, I was never offside!!!

Keep it on Ice

2006-08-21T11:27:00.000+01:00

In years to come a married couple will be sitting in front of their television watching an endless procession of talking heads nostalgically reliving the years of the early 21^st century. Up I’d pop, and while they argued between themselves trying to decide whether I was Nigel from Eastenders or that bloke with the monkey from the ITV Ads, I would recite memories of John Prescott playing Croquet, The Crazy Frog ringtone and sleeping through the England winning the Ashes.

One of the things I would probably pause upon for a moment would be 2006 being the year of cider.

After years of being associated with the smock wearing, straw-munching Wurzels, Cider is once again the beverage of choice in many pubs. One Irish brand in particular has revolutionised the whole concept of cider by insisting that it be drunk over ice. Suddenly cider manufacturers everywhere are adding ice-cubes to their promo shots as band-wagons are enthusiastically leapt upon.

What a simple idea! It’s got to be right up there with that fella who made millions by removing one olive from every jar, or whoever added the words “repeat if necessary” to shampoo directions.

Will the ice-trend continue into other areas of beverage?

It’s got to be great news for the police and for the government’s war on Binge-Drinking if suddenly everybody’s glasses are full of ice, and they are paying a pint price for a watered down half. Come 11 o clock everyone is sober and can’t figure out why!

Of course whether this is a lasting shift for cider or just a passing craze will be seen I’m sure on those biting November evenings when the pub heating has packed in. Whatever the case we’ve come a long way from the drunk on his bench with his bottle of super-strength.

Don Nigleone

2006-08-21T11:17:00.000+01:00

It was his own fault. I had smashed up his shop, threatened his customers and beaten him in a comedy styleé , but still he was not prepared to pay my protection money. Now he sleeps with the fishes – and not in a fun way! It was not really about the $400 I would get from this tailors shop, it was about what it was concealing. With the shop mine the backdoor was unlocked to reveal a secret brothel with was now under family control.

Now before you go running to my mummy I would like to point out that I havn’t really turned to local thuggery as an additional form of income. I was playing Godfather - The Game on a grey Sunday afternoon.

I had bought this game several months ago but after playing through the Initial tutorial levels had dismissed it as being too complicated and fiddly. However my boredom had lead to it’s reprieve and soon the over-complexities of the tutorials moved aside for a more natural feel once the game got going.

I was on the bottom rung of the Corleone family tree and thrown into the world of the first Godfather film. Where I became the one to Eliminate the traitor Paulie, and sneak into the directors house to leave a little equine surprise on his bed.

Now if there is a better way to spend a Sunday than roughing up shopkeepers, entertaining hookers and evading the cops then I certainly havn’t found it. Before I knew where I was it was 2am this morning and my tiredness was starting to tell. In one final blaze of glory I accidentally fell victim to my own Molotov Cocktail.

Perhaps I should leave this stuff to the professionals.

The Godfather: The Game is availiable now at most good retailers.
Other things to buy are availiable.

Planet Potters

2006-08-16T10:29:00.000+01:00

(NIGE) I’ll never forget the day I was told that the way I played pool didn’t count anymore. The Introduction of “World Rules” meant that overnight I went from understanding a game to having no idea how it works.

When it comes to bar-room games I seldom play that is simply an annoyance, but being told that there are no longer nine planets in the solar system makes you want to sit down with a very large brandy.

Yet as of today that is the situation that has arisen in our night skies.

With everyone expecting scienticians and celebrated boffins to declassify Pluto as an “Ice-Dwarf”, the news should have been a reduction in solar system capacity.

Education authorities would probably have preferred this measure as it meant textbooks could be altered with some scissors, black paper and a Pritt-stick.

However it’s new books all round as Pluto is confirmed as a planet, and the Solar System takes on an interesting new form.

Mercury – Venus – Earth – Mars – Ceres – Jupiter – Saturn – Uranus – Neptune – Pluto –Charon – UB313

My only concern is that UB313 is going to be a bit difficult to remember without a proper name, so I would like to throw “Brysonia” into the ring – or perhaps even “Zara”.

So OK I’ll never be able to play pool again, but when you have 3 entire new planets to play with - who cares!