The Age of Information

As missions go it was far from the most complicated. I was not trying to take out hydroelectric dams in a low flying lancaster or cover-up evidence of an extra-terrestrial encounter.

My mission if I chose to accept it - and I did – was simply to purchase a lukewarm pastry snack treat from a mobile office catering van.

Unfortunately for me today was the day that everything changed! What was once a simple exchange of money for goods has become – for my own benefit – a much more drawn out procedure.

As of today lukewarm pastry eaters everywhere must first compile a Pastry Information Pack or PIP for all purchases of 75p or over. The document which costs about £200 contains detailed information about the percentage of meat, conditions at the pasty factory and a list of E numbers and Bacteria contained within the pastry crust.

These documents are the first step by the government to simplify the Pastry purchasing process and eliminate the posibility of being disappointed by poor quality, greasy snack treat.

A similar procedure is scheduled to be introduced later in the year for purchasers of Potted Noodle meals and many motivated people have already applied to get their hands on NIPs. Although these NIPs may be tweaked following consumer feedback.

Plans for a Spaghetti Hoops Information pack - or SHIP - are reported to have sunk without trace.

The good news is my application for a Sausage Roll has been accepted, and I should be able to complete my lunch within 4-8 weeks.