Changing the Rules

(NIGE) In the spirit of Big Brother deciding “Well sod you, I’m changing the rules!” and annoying the majority of their loyal fan-base, I have decided that it’s time for me to re-address some of the things I don’t like.

So from here on Officially here are the new rules (And you can’t moan because I have donated 50p to a charity that helps Pandas)*

1: William Hague won the General Election in 2001 and has a enjoyed a long and slightly comical Premiership during which Britain started no wars and is Popular among it’s fellow nations.

2: The 1986 Australian Grand Prix was red-flagged early thus making Nigel Mansell a double-world Champion with all four tyres intact.

3: Starburst & Snickers will once again be known as Opel Fruits and Marathon, and Cif will revert to Jif.

4: Cricket will become one of those nostalgic games you used to play at school but is never televised – Like Rounders or British Bulldog!

5: From here on in Petrol Stations will sell only petrol and car related accessories.

6: The English Football and Rugby clubs will now sing the English national anthem before games and not the British. Altogether now – “Land of hope and glory….”

7: Horses live in fields and should stay there, especially at times when I am liable to be driving.

8: There should be no items on the news about “Celebrities”, unless they have been caught in an underground fetish club being whipped by a Bishop. These reports will come in a short 2 minutes feature just before the weather.

9: There are to be no more television programmes featuring people standing in front of a panel of judges being mocked. Likewise no more programmes on Cooking, Gardening, Buying/Selling houses or Selling your old tat at an Auction.

10: Everybody the world over accepts that Oswald killed Kennedy, Diana died in a tragic motoring-accident and Neil Armstong definately walked on the moon!

11: Water companies will be forced to actually fix the leaky pipes and not just ban everyone from using water,

12: Britain will end all fear mongering about global warming by inventing a new clean energy source from used tea-bags.

13: All sciencey stuff on the news will hereby be demonstrated by Fred Dineage and Johnny Ball

14: Customer Service people will be actual physical human individuals who want to help, and not an endless loop in an automated call centre.

15: And Nikki cannot be allowed to win Big Brother

* I may not have actually donated any money to the Pandas, lazy sods should get jobs!