Playing in Europe

With the World Cup over all eyes are back on the Euros with Westminster Wonderers taking on Europe United.

Theresa's boys finally began the match 45 minutes late and two men down.

There was some tactical confusion as half  the defence had turned up expecting to be playing cricket, while several stoppages were caused by sustained gunfire from their own subs bench.

This didn't bother the manager though as she was already on Match of the Day proclaiming 'a draw delivers the win the fans wanted'.

Paying for my sins (…or should that be sims?)

A little while ago I did something I have never done before, I pre-ordered a game. Unfortunately that game was the new Sim City and I became a small part of what has to be the most botched game launch in history. In the months that have followed I have joined the frustrated thousands across the world as server connection issues, city roll-backs and crashes to menu plague my gaming experience.

The warning signs were there of course. It had been no secret that this, the most single of single player games was suddenly going "social", and would require a permanent internet connection. But I had also read that there would still be a single player experience, and wrongly assumed that it would all be ok in the end.

Thankfully in recent years I have a good and stable web collection. So my attitude to always online has softened. Like many I'd been boycotting Ubisoft games for years as they also insisted in this draconian form of DRM. But this was Sim City, the first Sim City in a decade, it couldn't be that bad!

Sim City was also of course an Origin exclusive. Now digital distribution is a wonderful thing. Back in the mid noughties I bought a game called Race, which required for verification purposes that I created an account on something called steam. I was a bit miffed about it at first, and that every time my machine loaded after that I had to wait an age for this steam thing to login on my creaky old rural connection.

It was a wet and miserable Sunday afternoon when I finally discovered that this steam thing was really about, content delivery. I was bored and wanted a new game help bide my time. I started searching the steam store and eventually bought myself two reasonably cheap games. The first was called 18 Wheels of Steel, and was about driving trucks. It tought me two very valuable lessons in life. Firstly that there should be a law preventing me from ever getting within 50ft of an HGV, and secondly that I had a terrible taste in games.

My second was called the Ship. It was a simple multiplayer game where players assumed the role of passengers on a 1920's steamer. Somewhere else was another passenger, who it was your task to murder without being noticed, the catch of course is that there was another hunter tracking you down. I became something of a ship master over the next few months as my kill tally soared. Steam had given me access to game I never would have bought in a shop, for a reasonable price, and i loved it! It was the dawn of a new gaming era!

Of course until I moved out of the country and into the town the creaky connection proved the thorn in my side, Need for Speed Shift for example took 3 entire days to plop itself onto my hard drive, I could reinstall it today in about an hour.

Steam is now part of my life, games come and go, spontaneous sales are met with spontaneous purchases and I cannot remember the last time I looked at a physical game in a shop. My steam account is my gaming history, as a 90's era US hipster might have said - Steam Rocks!

So why the hell do I want Origin? Clunky executions and ridiculously high prices with a patching system which is as diverting as steam is seamless. Why don't you just go the whole hog and tell me that we will let you play our game, but only after you have licked the toilet bowl clean?

So there we go. I pre-ordered a game I could see was clearly going to have issues, at an exorbitant price and on a platform I would't normally touch with ten-foot barge pole

I have no-one to blame to blame but myself. I guess I'll try again to log onto a server,  wait 15 minutes for the damn thing to load, and then see how long I get before my city stops processing again - getting to 30 minutes would be good...

Monaco Baby...Yeah!

It's about time I gave a full and heartfelt thank you to sky sports for freeing up my weekend, as this will be the first time since 1990 I have not sat down to watch live the magic that is the Monaco Grand Prix.

In 2001 I actually had tickets for a Rugby Sevens tournament at Twickenham to which I took a small portable television. It was optimistic as in all the years I'd persevered with this device I had only ever once managed to find a channel, in black and white and through a severe snowstorm.

Thankfully, unlike at most round-ball stadiums drinking at rugby venues is positively encouraged, and on one of my trips to the bar I'd noticed that the TV was set to ITV, and Brundle was walking his grid. So there I stayed. Whilst outside the nations of the World battled against each other, i remained in the bar watching David Coulthard desperately trying to get by Enrique Bernoldi.

Monaco is the last remnant of what motor racing used to be. Even back in 1929 it must have been completely unsuitable for a Grand Prix, but it was to be the ultimate test of man and machine, where the smallest error would be punished and the larger ones result in a Mediterranean dip. Had it not always been there then it's impossible to think that it ever could have happened. If you'd let the modern F1 track designers loose on the city today then the harbour would have been filled in to create run-off and the main straight and DRS zone would have begun in Nice.

Of course of all the venues on the calendar Monaco is the place where anything can happen. Who could ever forget the 1996 Grand Prix, which was supposed to be the year Damon Hill finally took that elusive win on the streets his father had made his own. However, on this day the sky-gods had other plans.

Between P3 and the race the heavens opened. On a wet track Hill jumped pole-sitter Schumacher into St Devote and began to pull away, Schumi's race was over a few corners later as he slid off at Mirabeau and into the wall. In total 5 cars failed to finish that first lap which turned out to be an omen of things to come.

Hill's challenge disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke 40 laps in as his Renault engine expired coming out of the tunnel. Jean Alesi looked to inherit a popular win but he to was forced out on lap 60 with suspension failure. On a day where 18 of the 21 starters dropped by the wayside, the luck fell to the hard charging Olivier Panis to snatch his sole GP victory, beating the McLaren of David Coulthard by almost 5 seconds.

It would take a lot for this Sundays race to top the entertainment value of 1996, but with controversies over rapidly degrading tyres in the headlines maybe we could see someone different on the top step this weekend. Not to mention what might happen if the sky-gods decide it's time for a wet race.

Thanks to Sky I'm not going to be watching the race live this year, but i'm not watching it live with extra cash in my pocket. Whatever lies in wait for me on the BBC highlights, i hope it's time for another Monaco classic.

Toot & Come In - The Return to Brysonline

The candle flickered in the evening breeze as we began our decent towards the sealed doorway. Engraved on the stone was a name, it's meaning long since lost to history. I chipped away enough at the rock to create a small hole. There was a breeze across my cheek as the stale air from within finally found freedom. I thrust the candle through the hole, it took a few moments but soon I was able to pick out shadows in the darkness. 

“What can you see?” came a voice from behind me. 

“Wonderful things!”

There was a long silence

"Ok… well stuff!"

I emerged from the tomb entrance to announce the re-discovery to the waiting world. Unfortunately they were all watching the launch of the new Xbox, so I think I'll just go for a Nando's.

I'm sure Howard Carter would have done the same.

Missing - Presumed Lost

At the bottom of my garden there is a small football tethered to a tree. It's the last remnant of whoever lived in my house before I did - who presumably was either a child or alarmingly bad at taking free kicks. Every day I see that football and every day I do absolutely nothing about it. It gets the odd kick out of the way every time I need to mow the lawn but there it sits, unloved and abandoned, presumably until I have moved on and it becomes the next guys problem.

I thought of this because it's almost been the same with this webpage. For the last year or so I've known it was there, moved the odd thing about every now and then but never actually done anything about it.

There was a small surge in interest back in January when I decided that 2011 was the year of the reboot, but suddenly it's almost July and I've done absolutely nothing. And it's not as if I've had nothing to talk about.

As was indicated in my opening paragraph I've got a new house in a new town with a new tethered football. I've recently been spending time in Germany losing drinking contests with the locals and most alarming of all I've made it to 30.

I'm still trying to work out how the hell that happened! I'm convinced it's a mathematical error and somehow the years since 2004 were just a "Dallas" style dream. One morning I'll step out of the shower and find that I'm still in a world where you can walk into a pub, order a beer and get change out of £3.

Wishful thinking perhaps, but on previous form it may be more likely than me making another post before Christmas.

Still, stranger things have happened...

Time to say Goodnight

It's another evening when I am lying in my bed flicking though the channels on my Freeview box when I really aught to sleeping. It's amazing to think that it's just over a decade since television here in the UK used to shut-down overnight. Auntie Beeb would wish us a solemn goodnight before the national anthem drew the evening to a dignified conclusion. The idents would fade and we where left with the iconic test card showing the girl, the blackboard and that slightly creepy doll which has been giving me nightmares ever since “Life on Mars”

This is all a recent memory but it's a window into a different age – a different century. In those not-so-distant days if we wanted to know the latest news then we would have to wait until the morning papers where delivered. A world in which we had separate machines for making phone calls, taking photographs and listening to music. Back then if we felt the urge to “poke” our friends then we would need a stick and a swift excuse before they retaliated with a punch in the face.

The notion of television going to bed at night may seem quaint and antiquated in our age of 24 hour media, apps and high definition. Now for insomniacs everywhere you can bathe in the delights of the rolling news, where 15 minutes of television is regurgitated over and over like a bite-sized groundhog day. All the thrills of las vegas are recreated right there in your living room with interactive roulette and poker. And of course if you spin on far enough you get to the half naked ladies jiggling their bottoms whilst miming naughty things with the help of a cordless phone.

Progress is a gradual transition, there are times when it's barely noticeable at all - and others where you are left thinking “why did they even bother?”

How to have a Bloody Good Time

Imagine the scene. After years of trials and tribulations you have finally been handed your big-break in Hollywood. The top “slasher” movie director wants you for his next masterpiece “Springbreak”. Unfortunately for you there are to be no big budget special effects here, Bloody Good Time is a simple game in which you must kill or be killed.

It begins with me standing in the bedroom of a beachside house, just in the wardrobe to my right seems to be a very large samurai sword which I collect, imaging it may prove useful later on. A voice tells me that we are about to shoot “the hunt” and I am presented with the image of slightly spooky looking clown it will be my task to eliminate.

I turn out of the room and on to the backstage area of a film set. I notice on the wall below a scaffold is a large red button, it's just sitting there tempting me looking all big and red and buttony. “What the heck” I think to myself as I give it a press. Above me comes the sound of a trapdoor opening as a young goth girl crashes limp and lifeless at my feet.

I sheepishly move on after being at the receiving end of directorial dressing down for killing the wrong person. I walk into what appears to be a hotel lobby, by now my needs indicators at the bottom of the screen are showing me to be a little peckish. I wonder to the bar where I order a cheeseburger the size of my head – tasty!

A message flashes up telling me that my red-nosed quarry was last spotted on the beach. A quick look around shows it to be just through the double doors of the lobby. I run outside where my floppy footed friend is spotted climbing a rock to my left. Let the hunt begin

I catch him unawares on top of the rock taking a rocket launcher from a crate. Knowing I have not been spotted I draw my sword and move in for the kill. My quarry turns to face me at the last minute when suddenly the perspective jumps to third person and I see my swimsuit clad beach babe, knife in back turn to face her own killer, a pink leotarded Vegas showgirl who is already wriggling her bottom in a jubilant fashion over my now lifeless body.

The scene was completed as my once hunted clown, blew the mocking showgirl away with his rocket launcher, no doubt thanking the gods for this double piece of good fortune – his own hunter taken down by his nominated quarry.

He has no time to hang about however as I am resurrected on a nearby rooftop. My Samurai sword has been lost during my untimely demise but in the corner of the room I see a molotov cocktail . My journey to collect it is interupted by a message telling me I am about to have an accident – bloody cheeseburger went straight through me. Thankfully a portaloo is situated nearby and I am able to take care of my bodilies. A fatal mistake it would transpire. As I sit on the bowl a beach bloke in blue bermuda's bashes my head in with a frying pan before flushing my lifeless corpse down the pan

I am resurrected one more time in the sitting room of a house. Behind me in a suitcase is something called a robo-mouse. My curiosity drives me to pick it up and discover it to be small radio controlled mine. I send my little robo rodent off in the direction of my cursed clown friend. I find him sleeping on a bed upstairs, bad time for nap-time! Before he can do anything I detonate sending pieces of killer clown in all directions. My day's work has been done, and I can't help but laugh.

In fact I have been laughing almost non stop for the last 5 minutes. Because everything in Bloody Good Time is hilarious!

OK so there are only 3 maps, but when the game cost less than a pint of lager of the Queens Head it doesn't matter. The servers can be quiet at times but that's because like many people I only found it by accident. The game is not being promoted at all by the developer and rumour is that the small British publisher has had to go into hibernation praying for this game to become a success.

So I'll try and spread the word, Bloody Good Time is exactly what it says on the box, or digital download in this case. If you have a few pound coins in your pocket, or a few left over Xbox live points then you could to much worse than give this a go. Because for a ten minute blast on the PC/Xbox, this is amazing fun. Although my last 10 minute blast turned into most of last Saturday!

http://www.ubi.com/UK/Games/Info.aspx?pId=9099

The Lotus Position

The new Lotus Renault in black and gold retro JPS livery is looking great! Of course that is Lotus Renault formally Renault as opposed to Team Lotus Renault which was formally Lotus Racing. Lotus Racing Renault who want to be Team Lotus Renault even though they are not linked to Lotus cars, as Lotus cars are actually involved with Lotus Renault.

Lotus Racing who are currently the operating name of 1Malaysia Racing have already taken part in a seasons worth of GPs with those points being added collectively to those of Team Lotus. So if Lotus Racing cannot continue as Lotus Racing and Lotus Renault takes on the mantel of true successor, then do those figures switch to the team formally known as Renault or stay with 1Malaysia Racing? Will Lotus Renault be a continuation of the historic Team Lotus or will they keep the History of Benetton/Renault?

Did Lotus Racing ever really exist, and if not then where's Jarno Trulli been this year?

God it's too early i the morning for this, I need a lie down

The Calm Before The Storm

As I write there are about 12 hours left in the 2010 Formula One World Championship, a season which promised so much and delivered even more!

In recent years it has seemed that if this highest echelon of motor racing had been a Hollywood production, it’s writers would have swept the Oscars time and again.

In 2007 the World Champion Fernando Alonso found himself alongside a talented young protégé, Lewis Hamilton. As the relationship soured the on-track action intensified, Along the way their McLaren team would find itself up before the governing body accused of dirty tricks and espionage. As they headed into the final race of the year the title was surely going to either the old master or the young charger, of course nobody had mentioned this to Kimi Raikkonen.

12 months later and with Alonso back in the safety of his Renault and Raikkonen fading into the scenery, it was to be a showdown in Brazil between Hamilton and Felipe Massa. Massa did everything he had to do leading a wet-dry-wet race from lights to flag in front of his adoring home crowd. He took a brilliant win and crossed the line as the new World Champion - of course the race was not over yet! As the Ferrari team danced in jubilation Lewis Hamilton passed a struggling Toyota on the last corner of the last lap to steal the Brazilians glory and win a historic victory.

If anyone had thought the drama of that Interlagos race was as exciting as it could possibly get then they had not factored in the 3 B’s from Brackley (Brawn, Button & Barrichello)

In a season turned upside by new rules and technical innovations the little team Honda didn’t want leapt from tail-end-Charlie's to World Champions. With the old guard of McLaren & Ferrari struggling it was to be the Red Bull’s of Mark Webber and Sebastian Vettel who would emerge as the team to beat as the season wore on. With Jenson off to Join Lewis in a McLaren Super team and the return of the legendary Michael Schumacher to fill his void, the seeds where sewn for an epic 2010 season.

It didn’t start well of course. Even to a hardcore fan like myself the opening GP of the year on an strangely extended Bahrain circuit was to prove a testing experience. Vettel showed the Red Bull’s pace but after he suffered (and not for last time) mechanical problems it was to be a processional victory for Fernando Alonso.

This was of course to be a false dawn as by the time the European season kicked off the battle was well and truly on between the McLarens and the Red Bull’s.

There have been technical troubles, team mate crashes, brilliant drives and moments of madness. with 2 races to go any one of Button, Hamilton, Vettel, Alonso or Webber could win. Button fell out of contention in Brazil and Lewis Hamilton’s hopes may be more of a mathematical possibility but one thing is for certain that tomorrows Grand Prix is going to be something Very Special.

Will Fernando Alonso perform one of the greatest comebacks to secure a Third world championship, moving him into same league as Ayrton Senna, Jack Brabham and Jackie Stewart; Will Sebastian Vettel mark out the place in the history books as the youngest ever World Champion; Will Mark Webber prove that grit and determination are all you need to overcome all obstacles; or can Lewis Hamilton once again prove that the championship isn’t over until the final race is won

As a great man once said – “anything can happen in Formula One, and it usually does”

Tomorrow is going to be quite a day!

Tail End Charlies

In the 1980’s and early 90’s it was still possible for anyone with a spanner and a little ambition to set up a Grand Prix team. The result was some of the most legendary rejects of our time.

There was Coloni who turned up to but failed to qualify for an incredible 67 Grands Prix. The legendary Andrea Moda who to save money once sent out Perry McCarthy to qualify on wets at a bone dry Silverstone. There was Forti Course who went from being a rich team with a bad car to a broke team with a great one. And does anyone remember Life? Somewhere in the world that car is still on it’s flying lap!

Of course this had to end, and changes in the rules stopped these notorious teams from taking up garage space at GP weekends… until now!

We have 4 (and a bit) new teams and the chances for some tail end inepititude are much increased. Especially as the need for cash injections is seeing the return of the backmarker's best friend, the pay driver! I wonder what Giovanni Lavaggi is up to these days?

Anyway, who are this new generation of tail end charlies and what are their chances for success/hilarity?

*Virgin*

Neé Manor Motorsport. An Impressive motorsport pedigree and a car designed by Nick “Simtek” Wirth, completely on an etch-a-sketch. Not only are they the first team since Lola in 1997 to arrive on the scene without a car having seen a wind tunnel (and we know which way that went) but their name is certain to provide many opportunities for commentary hilarity! “And he’s coming inside the Virgin”. Still the car looks good and I’d expect lots of Branson-esque publicity stunts throughout the season

*USF1*

USF1 have been in a wind tunnel, but if internet rumour is to be believed they don’t actually have anything close to a working car, which is a handicap in qualifying (Just ask Perry McCarthy). Making the brave move to be based outside the F1 Heartland, USF1 will commute for every race. Not a plan that worked for Michael Andretti and he had the Concorde. It's also now looking increasingly like if they do ever appear it won't be until China/Silverstone/The Post Season Party. With the news of Campos Meta being saved, USF1 unfortunately remains the best chance for a “Lola 2010”

*Campos Meta*

Have seemingly been struggling since they were first announced. Apparently new investment has improved their chances of making the grid. The car is built by Dallara and they have a Senna on their books, not to mention an impressive record in junior catagories. I’m hoping they pull through and can become the 21st century’s Minardi.

*Lotus*

“Lot’s of trouble, usually serious!” The grand old name is back, shame it’s not actually the grand old team. Will probably suffer the “Wimbledon” syndrome of being touted as the British Ferrari when they do well, otherwise they’re that Malaysian team. Probably will be the best of the noobs and might give the STR’s and Force India’s a run for their money. Two GP winners on the books can’t hurt, even if one of them is Jarno Trulli
.
*BMW Sauber Ferrari*

OK, not technically a “new” team but possibly the greatest oxymoron in motorsport. (I’m not sure Honda’s "Earthcar" ever did run in the “fuel burning” session of qualifying). After BMW cut their losses and ran, it's just a great thing that they have pulled through and i wish them every success. In Pedro de la Rosa they have an experienced but aging test driver who hasn’t raced in years. (If that doesn’t work I hear Luca Badoer is available). Young Kamakazi could be fun though. Have been seen to top the time sheets in testing. Anyone who points out that they also have zero sponsors is just being cynical.

*Stefan GP*

One of my favourite GP Stories took place In 1977. A German driver called Hans Heymar missed the cut for his first (and only) Grand Prix, in Germany at Hockenheim. Not wanting his weekend to be over too soon, Heymar turned up anyway on race day and thought “sod it!” While no-one was looking he snuck his car out of the pits and lined up to take the start, much to the amusement of the crowd. In the end Heymar’s GP "career" was over after 9 laps and he was expunged from the records. In 2010 and the spirit of Hans lives on in Stefan GP. Amazingly they are possibly the best prepared of any of the new teams having basically bought Toyota, and their stillborn 2010 car. They have two cars, engines and bizarrely they seem to have Jacques Villeneuve. What they don’t have is a grid slot, but hey ho. Maybe nobody will notice! The cars are on route to Bahrain anyway, which is more than USF1 can boast.


So far Lotus and Virgin are the only cars to hit the track, with Lotus seeming to have the upper hand. There is, however, a month to go and as Murray Walker once said:

"Anything can happen in Formula One, and it usually does!"