At the Watercooler

Since the dawn of time, or at least since watercooler's were available, the US have coined the above phrase as the literal hub of office gossipry and brag-a-thons. It wasn't until recently that we on the correct side ofthe Atlantic started to copy it - irrespective of whether we even have water chilling facilities in the office. I didn't mind so much when we had to change the name of Marathon to Snickers (in fact, there's a funny Paula Radcliffe joke about that), but I still adamantly refuse and stamp my feet in an act-your-shoe-size manner about changing Opal Fruits to Starburst. As for Oil of Ulay/Olay - I couldn't give a monkey's, although I always thought the Mother's Day/Christmas present commercials somewhat insulting (strictly on my mother's behalf, of course).

Anyway, I digress.

With many of my colleagues talking about which countries they're going to visit for their summer holidays while the kids have broken up for the summer, or what they had for dinner the night before (although wholesome topics, I'm sure, it's not my cup of tea), I'm getting my watercooler moment, albeit to myself, and on a much wider scope.

This now brings me to my first big problem - what do total strangers talk about around their watercoolers?

Could the egg that tells you exactly when it's perfectly cooked be today's major muse? Or the fact that James Blunt is the #4 most annoying thing in the world, behind cold callers, caravans and queue jumpers? I don't know, but Top of the Pops, which inflicted Jimmy Saville and Noel Edmonds on us on primetime TV must ring a little nostalgia for many (though perhaps not for a chap of 1982).

My domain of discussion today isn't the double Big Brother eviction on Friday night, the England thrashing of Pakistan on Saturday, nor the closing points deficit between Michael Schumacher and Fernando Alonso on Sunday, but the fire at Pinewood Studios.

Okay, so the Carry-On films were made there, and Hitchcock honed his directing skills there, but this is has also been the home of James Bond since 1962. Fortunately, the sets for this year's Bond film had been dismantled and taken away only a day or so before, but it's got me thinking (the tabloids would only bring it up otherwise), accident or arson?

Might vandals have finally done to bond what Oddjob, Blofeld and Scaramanga failed to do?

I'm now going to have my lunchtime Mars bar before the name changes to Pluto to demonstrate how much smaller they've become these days.

Nige on TV

The answer to the question that will be appearing in a pub quiz near you very soon should be: Kool and the Gang - Celebration.

Just store that useless piece of trivium away in the dusty part of your brain for the moment of Touch Screen inspiration that may one day make you the barroom hero for at least 30 seconds.

The Question of course would be “What was the final song ever played on Top of the Pops?”

It was a sad day made slightly more bearable by the knowledge that McFly had slipped down the charts. I used to love to watch Top of the Pops, although watching the 1980’s “Best Bits” did make me stop and wonder why? Was I ready to admit to myself that I did used to sing “Especially for You” at a very high volume, and once did own an album by the Brothers Goss.

I needed to take a shower, and then a second for luck.

Once the dirt of my horrific musical past had been rinsed down the plughole I was able to remain thankful that bands like The Stone Roses came along just in time to save me from myself. By then of course it was too late to save my love affair with Top of the Pops. Not even the Mid-Nineties battle of the bands between Oasis & Blur could encourage me back.

So why then did I feel bad when I heard it was being axed?

My freshly towel-dried thoughts turned to that other TV staple of days gone by, Blue Peter.

I never did actually build a Tracy Island, or start a small festive inferno with my advent wreath. As for my competition entries, they never did get me a Blue Peter badge in any of the age categories.

It has probably been a decade now since I actually watched an episode so I really couldn’t tell you what the dog was called or whether last years appeal was to collect cans or milk bottletops (It was always one or the other!).

The fact remains though that I will always have a soft spot for this programme in the same way as I always did for Top of the Pops.

In such a fast changing and often unpleasant world, it’s comforting to know that one small haven of timeless innocence still exists. We may no longer care about what days it’s on or where they are going for this years summer expedition, but that’s not the point!

It IS still there and that makes the world a better place – FACT!

Brysonline welcomes JB

Bryson co-founder JB is to Join Nige and Ads as Brysonline contributors.

JB, a Hat Model for a well known building company, is currently starting his own Motorsport Photography Business. Over the last 5 years he has been to France, cut his hair and overtaken the Kentagon on the list of Brands Hatch's top 10 most recognised landmarks.

He likes to relax by going to Hampshire and listening to James Blunt (Something we try not to hold against him)

We look forward with our eyes, and eagerly wait to read JB's first post.

And I Feel Fine...

A double CD and DVD charting the early musical works of Michael Stipe, Peter Buck, Mike Mills and Bill Berry (retired 1997) will be released on 12th September, containing hits familiar to R.E.M. veterans/nuts, and previously unreleased songs, including stuff from their 1980 EP "Chronic Town".

The DVD will include interviews, rare live performances and music videos from said "Chronic Town", their first record "Murmur" all the way to "Document" (stuff from '80 - '87). These guys have been writing songs since before I was born!

Anyone who enjoys their music post-"Losing My Religion" or "Man on the Moon" should indulge in what got them noticed in the first place - the very definition of alternative rock.

And to anyone who already knows their earlier stuff... Get it anyway. You only have to read Nige's "Stop the Clocks" to know just how a band can affect a diehard devotee.

Sadly, I don't think the above picture will feature on the cover. Shame.

Show me the way to the Arctic Circle

After years of moaning that we never get proper summers in this country, a two week heatwave has had me seriously considering relocating to Finland. As I fanaticise about being a bag of Birdeye Frozen Peas, I have decided to never moan about the cold again. I even caught myself thinking back to that sub zero day at Brands Hatch last February, where I almost lost my drinking hand to frostbite.

Now here in July, the temperatures at work soar from comfortable, to sticky, to medium rare. There are lots of people in the 21^st century it seems who have prepared for this once in a decade event by fitting Air Conditioning units us alas, we are not one.

This afternoon I swear that the water level in my glass visibly dropped as I watched. The evaporated beverage had formed a small cloud on my desk, which I am worried that if the wind changes direction, may eventually drop as rain on the photocopier and kill us all.

Yesterday in an attempt to cool off I finally bowed to temptation when I heard the piercing jingle of the Ice cream man’s van. Unfortunately the heat had even proved too much for his coolers and my anticipated “99” became more of a warm Vanilla Milkshake.

Of course in the evening you can always take a dip in the pool to cool off. Ok so it’s not technically a pool but the Goldfish don’t seem to mind and apparently pondweed can be good for the skin.

Then there is always the bonus of a cold beer on the pub patio. I don’t believe there is yet a Nobel prize category for brewing, but if there were it should certainly go to the bloke who came up with the “Extra Cold” concept.

Last night though I stayed in, and decided to get myself mentally prepared for the night by watching “Scott of the Antarctic”, “The Day after Tomorrow” and “Ice-Age”. Eventually with my head filled with images of Icebergs and Penguins I was ready to remove my pillows from the chest freezer, curl up in a foetal position around the portable fan and prepare for the Night.

As it happened I had prepared perfectly, and the next thing I knew it was 8:45am and I was late for work!

However, what I had missed during my near hibernatory slumber was the mother of all Thunderstorms, well of all small thunderstorms of the variety you get in Sussex anyway. I mean I won’t get carried away it wasn’t Hurricane Katrina, but was by all accounts very dramatic.

The sky was so bright that you could only view it properly through an arc welders mask, the ground shook as the Thunder rumbled on ceaselessly. Seemingly everybody within 20 miles had been woken by the storm, everybody but me, who was happily dreaming about living as a reindeer farmer in Lapland.

Still it’s not seemingly getting any cooler. I’m sure over the next few night we’ll get a reprise of Mother Natures pyrotechnics. Perhaps next time I’ll be able to join in the discussions about it.

And so once more it’s back into the furnace, I mean office, for another day! Still the ice-cream man will be here in a minute, I can get myself another Milkshake!

Well done JB!

Bryson Motorsports founder Member JB will be graduating from his MSc course on Thursday.

On behalf of all of us I would like to cogratulate him on seeing it though well past the point where I would have given up and cracked open a beer.

I'd also like to wish his new Motorsports Photography business well, his website can be accessed from the link on this page.

Ads Joins Brysonline

Brysonline would like to welcome Adam to the team.

Adam joins Nige as a contributor and hopefully we will see him start to post over the next few days.

Brysonline will hope to introduce further contributers over the next month

Five days last June

The annual Le Mans excursion has become a firm Bryson tradition over the past five years. And this years one one of the best yet. The atendees of BLM5 were myself: Ads, Tom and Macca, who unfortunately was nursing a smashed ankle following an car accident. He were to be assisted on the trip by crutches and a wheelchair. After two years over at the Expo centre we had found ourselves this year at Maison Blanche, and managed to pitch ourselves in a small clearing of trees just in time for the rainstorm of biblical proportions. It's amazing how vunerable it's possible to feel when you are sheltered by a piece of canvas at the foot of a giant tree.

It had also been quite hairy on the way down, especially on the route from Abbeville to Rouen where at one point I wasn't quite sure whether I had simply missed a sign and driven into the channel. Still the journey was good with the new Peage taking what seemed to be at least 72 hours off the tradidtional journey. All was good until we hit Le Mans and promptly lost the leadcar, contain Tom, Macca and all the groups sense of direction. To cut a long story short lets just say Adam and I know know every town in the Greater LM Area.

That first soggy Wednesday was to be a one off however as the weather soon went from Hot, to Damn Hot, to Sod this I'm Staying in the Bar Hot! After Stocking up at the Carrefour we were set for a lazy day of lazing and general sloth, which happens to be my raison d'etre! And so we drank our beer wall to a foot high before awaiting some news about a Tent with a Satallite dish to catch the Trinidad Game. Obviously Macca had some mobility problems and so we were releaved when the message came through that the place we were looking for was also at Maison Blanche.

Unfortunately it was the other side of the Circuit and the Historics out on track ment taking any form of a shortcut was ill advised.

Now the camp area at Maison Blanche is quite a long way from the Main entrance and the tunnel, and the Match had just kicked off. Tom took off like a man possesed as Adam and I reluctantly stomped along behind, with me moaning about having to do anything in order to watch a soccerball game, especially as the 1960's GT Cars were about to surrender the circuit to the magnificent Thunderous 70's Prototypes.

Thankfully there was another Pedestrian tunnel about half way, which took about an hour off the journey, and we started to make out way away from the paddock area and back down towards the hoards of Identical red pop-tents which symbolise the presence of a Danish tour group. How the hell they ever make it back to the right one after a night on the source, or maybe that's the appeal? I wonder if it's the latest thing in Speed-Dating!

Anyway by now we had noticed a small Crack in the left rear tyre of Maccas chariot had become a big crack that ran all the way around the wheel. Bu the time we had reached the halway point in our journey, Macca had just about capsized... and by now well into the second half of the soccerball it seemd our pursuit had been fruitless. Tom finally had to bow to group pressure and admit defeat... Non of us were amused to discover that the game had been shown on the Big Screen in the middle circuit.

We had lugged that chair 370 Miles, and it had lasted about an hour.

Still I went on to amuse my self with a sign on the side of a restaurant which read "Poulets de Love" which apparently didn't mean what I thought it meant.

Raceday for us starts as ever in the MRI tent with Kerry Dunlop introducing the Pel McCarthy show featuring special guest stars Allan McNish and Johnny Mowlem... and somebody's dad! (An administrative cock up I think!) Anywhoo onto the the champers tent for two bottles of seriously overpriced posh lager and to puff on the stonking great cigars we had purchased at the Carrefour, then to the Grandstand for the off, or as the French would say "le off!"

Later that evening we decided to make our way to the far side of the circuit. To save the hassle of getting Macca on and off the overcrowded public busses we had booked seats for 10:15 to take us down to Arnage. It was a not the best time to go to Arnarge especially as it put me at the opposite side of the circuit to the free Charlatans concert which was due to kick off at at 11.

By now Tom was starting to feel the first effects of something a bit nasty. Whether it was the results of the half a bottle of rum he had drunk to get over missing the football or the curry served to him by the blokes in the tent next door he was certainly not in a good way. And unfortunately for us neither were the roads around Arnage.

Our return bus eventually turned up at about 2:30am

And so for some much needed beers and to catch up on the race it was back to the MRI tent where we were soon joined by Mister McCarthy wondering if we each wanted to buy 14 copies of his book to give as Christmas presents! All those trips I had gone on with that sodding book to try and get it signed, and here was the man with an eager pen and a stack of paperbacks! Macca did buy a personalised copy and PM posed for a few photos with us before we retired outside for more beer. Tom Went back at about 3, Ads and I returned to the Grandstand to watch the clock tick past 12 hours.

By Monday Toms Arnage discomfort had become full on food poisoning which left our planned driving stints in chaos. Tom was certainly in no condition to drive and so Adam first stinted to just before Rouen with Tom jumping in to take us through. When we met up at the services just north or Rouen (The point Adam was supposed to take over my car) it was clear Tom could drive no further... I ws gonna be Triple Stinting! And best of all, I was starting to break out in a cold!!

We eventually arrived home shattered, ill, smelly and cursing that sodding wheelchair! But it's two months later and where already planning Le Mans 2007... and 2008!

Stop the Clocks

A small article on web first informed me last week that, to finish off their association with the band, Sony music were going to put out an Oasis greatest hits compilation this November. The news was later confirmed on the Oasisinet website

Now as I have mentioned before on these pages I am a fan of all things Oasis, and even bought the Masterplan B-Sides album despite already owning every EP the band have ever released! So it was a no-brainer that I was going to snap up anything on commercial release.

But this album is looking to be something more than just a chance to buy another CD with Supersonic on. The Albums title is to be “Stop the Clocks”

To an Oasis fan “Stop the Clocks” has become the holy grail, a song few have heard but all have heard about.

It was first mentioned during interviews by the band in 2002, and was played live in an acoustic set by Noel and Gem at during a guest spot in Liverpool in 2003. But from there is seemed to vanish into legend.

Several times Noel Gallagher has described this song as the greatest thing he has ever written, and to someone who loves everything he’s ever written, that is quite a promise!

The song was widely anticipated to be track 7 on 2005’s Don’t Believe the Truth. However was finally replaced by Liam’s “Guess God Thinks I’m Abel”

The title of the new album now suggests that finally after all these years it will be available, and the myth will finally become a reality. There are some who claim that it’s a Cross between “The Hindu Times” and “Wonderwall”, others that It’s 7 minutes long full of “backwards stuff”.

Either way, the amount of interest that already exists in this song must surely mean that, with a November release, it must be worth a Punt for the Xmas Number 1.

I dunno about Stopping the clocks, but I’m probably gonna be hearing the tick of every second until November!

For more Information please check out the following links.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop_the_Clocks

http://www.oasisinet.com

Nige meets the Ancestors

There are moments they say, where you cannot be sure where you are going if you don’t know where you’re from.

My direct origins are Liverpool Irish, but begin to scratch at the surface and pretty soon some remarkable tales begin to be told.

It seems the Nige’s are from a Dynastic Dynasty of Descendants, dating right back to when man stopped ascending, and began to descend as was the style of the day.

The first recorded Nige could be traced back two thousand years to the icy coastal towns of Scandanavia. To Olaf Nige the Seasick, the one who was always last to be picked for the Rape and Pillage missions because of his tendency to get ill walking through a puddle. The Nige clan though soon developed their sea legs and spread around the world.

We can trace the line directly to the infamous Nige Fawkes, the plotter who was arrested whilst trying to blow up a dinghy, and of course to the legendary Captain Horatio Nige, RN.

Captain Nige fought alongside Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar. At least he would have done if it hadn’t been for his drinking problem, which saw him sail the wrong way, storm Gibraltar and take several apes as Prisoners of War.

There was of course the Legendary Nigeheart, who was famous for being more historically accurate than Mel Gibson. Nigeheart’s daughter was Nigella Queen of Pots, who would go on to get a prime time cookery show on the BBC.

But of course the greatest of them all was the might explorer Christopher Columnige, who sought fame and fortune by seeking a western passage to the Indies. Unfortunately for him it was 1975 and all that was waiting for him was the US Coastguard.

So, To where we began.

There are moments they say, where you cannot be sure where you are going if you don’t know where you’re from.

I’m Nige. I’m From Sussex. I’m Going to the Pub!

Back There, Then

"Saturday afternoon, the sunshine flows like wine though your window" - These lines from Ocean Colour Scene came flooding back to me as the thunderclaps echoed outside. The only thing that was coming through my window on this particular afternoon was the rain, which as pelting so hard it had managed to penetrate the waterproof seal.

I had, during the course of the previous week, been listening to the audiobook for Ben Elton’s “Past Mortem“. One of the things I have discovered on those weekday afternoons when 5 o-clock can never come soon enough, is that the itunes audiobook section is my saviour. Anything that can whisk you away to another world whilst still leaving you able to fulfil the basic requirements for a pay-check has got to be encouraged.

This particular story was written around the life of a man whose life had taken a dramatic turn after looking up is former school friends on the Friends Reunited website. It was with this fresh in my mind I had found myself on this soggy Saturday scanning a list of names from my past.

There were many I have to confess I don’t believe I knew even then, but every now and again there were names that unleashed a floodgate of memories. From clicking on these names I could see in the most abridged detail the direction these people had taken since we parted company almost a decade ago.

In the majority of cases the date we had parted company was August 21st 1997. Don’t get me wrong this wasn’t a date I had committed to memory, In fact it wasn’t until several hours later I had remembered it al all!

I had been sorting through my by now largely redundant CD Collection. My 60gb iPod had made the sizeable mass of plastic in my room nothing more than an occupation of space. It was here in my CD collection where I found myself gazing at an album cover to which I had never really given any regard.

The picture on the cover was a homage to Keith Moon. A Rolls Royce semi submerged in a swimming pool. Around this pool were a scattering of miscellaneous objects including the style of large wooden wall calendars you would only ever see in banks and post offices. It’s date was the date of the albums release, August 21st.

It was always going to be an important date. At the time Oasis were the biggest band in the world, and their long anticipated third album was even the subject of a BBC 1 Documentary. The whole world was waiting for the Gallaghers to do it again, well almost the whole world. Some of us had other things on our mind. Some of us were about to collect our GCSE Results!!

The results weren’t good in the traditional meaning of the word. Even in the slightly faded courier font on the printed page the words “Maths -D” where blindingly obvious. The one bloody subject I needed at least a C and I’d screwed it up!

We took a bus from Steyning to Shoreham and then the train to Brighton. I’m sure I wouldn’t have been quite so worried about that large capital D if I had known I was about to make my own contribution to Rock’n’Roll History.

You see that Thursday morning it seems Be Here Now had already sold exactly two zillion copies, and by the time I had arrived at MVC the number of Discs presented by the record companies had ensured that the Gallaghers now own 96% of the worlds platinum. As I handed over my £12.99 I had helped Be Here Now become the fastest selling record of all time, a record that still stands today.

Well OK so I’m not the guy who turned down the Beatles but hey, it’s a start!!

It was a Brilliantly sunny day that Thursday as we headed back to Ashington for the a post results BBQ. It was to be the first of many get-togethers during what will be (avoiding redundancy) The longest summer I will ever have! And to me, Be Here Now was it’s Soundtrack

That’s what makes Be Here Now, in my mind at least, the Greatest Record ever made. It’s more than just an album! It is the Day I left School, It is 21st August 1997!!

(Oh - And for those of you worrying I eventually did get that C in Maths! It seems I‘m not thick, just quite lazy!!)

To be Someone

And so in a few brief hours another Big Brother contestant will emerge from their protective shell and be thrown into the jeering crowds and flashing bulbs. It must be a very strange thing to suddenly find yourself, for just a few brief moments, as the centre of the universe. Straight from interview to press conference to limosine and five star accommodation, before selling your soul for a five figure seal to one of the sunday tabloids.

I can't deny I have never given the celebrity thing any thought. I confess it would certainly be nice to be photographed occasionally without the picture being accompanied by 3 penalty points and a summons.

But could I really handle fame?

I mean it would be fun at first as I turned up at premiers with one of the Sugachicks or an Atomic Pussycat on my arm. I may even be offered a small bit on the Bill as a Traffic Warden or Convieniance store attendent.

As my reputation spreads I'd find myself playing a jovial local in the Midsommer Murders, before making my film debut in a low budget Film Four Production about comedic misunderstandings at a Funeral Parlour.

Once that goes well I would go flying with the Doctor in the TARDIS or be Jim Brannings love-child in the shock soap storyline of the year. A role which will ultimately see me win best newcomer at the Soap awards and be offered a seven figure deal to replace Barry Scott as the new face of Cillit Bang.

Of course I would let it all go to my head and the 3 volumes of my Autobiography "Why I am so Great!" will be critically bashed. Suddenly Have I got News for You would replace me as guest host, and my Novelty Christmas single with the Hamiltons will peak at number 74.

Richard & Judy would stop calling and the only work I'd be offered will be a stint on Celebrity Fat Club or Panto with the Bloke who used to be Ricky in Eastenders.

The Parties would dry up and in a fit of depression I'd agree to go on "I'm A Celebrity..." where eventually I would be thrown out and arrested following an incident with one of the other contestants and some cooking implements.

The legal proceedures would rob me of the last of my wealth, my cars and my swimming pool shaped like Natasha Kaplinsky's bottom.

Then one wet and windy night i'd find myself on the streets squaring up to a bouncer and uttering those immortal words, "Do you Know Who I Am?" He won't of course and after my bones heal and I get new teeth I'd find myself accepting a job in a bear suit for kids TV.

I'd finish my days sitting in the corner of the pub telling my cautionary tale to all that will listen, with it getting ever more dramatic and exaggerated as the pints go down.


Yeah, I'm up for a bit of that!!

And so the Story begins....

Well after months of talking and years of general idleness, It is time for Brysonline to be launched to a muffled fanfare and slow hand clap.

The Bryson story began in an old, abandoned hospitality suite at Silverstone during the Spring of 2000. When Neil Ferguson merged his name with that of Jon Bryant a new page in Motor Racing folklore was written. However Feryant did not prove to be a worthy name and so later that day Bryson Motorsports was launched to the world, a world who was unfortunately looking the other way at something better!

Over the years the "Bryson Boys" have grown from that original Duo to include such illustrious names as Young Thomas, The Rev, Jim-Bob, Macca, Chi-Chi & Unlucky. People united by their love of all things Motorsport, Female or Chilled Beverage.

Based in the Sussex village of West Chiltington the Bryson boys have begun their mission to make the world a slightly funnier place, with slightly cheeper beer.

This page will tell the tales of the Bryson Boys and their travels, showcase the writings and non sensical ramblings they send via email, and probably include lots of comments about people we think are cute.

We've come a long way baby, but the Journey has just begun!