Roll of Honour

My Top 5 Most Memorable Computer Game Characters


1. Portal - The Companion Cube:

It’s a cube with a pink heart painted on the side. Not obviously a legendary character but during the short time you spend together it saves your life, helps you complete your goals and breaks your heart. In it’s final tragic twist it is distroyed at your own hands leaving an emotional scar that will never quite heal.


2. Max – Sam & Max Hit the Road:

Max is a a hyperkinetic rabbity thing intent on chaos and distruction. What more could you ask for?


3. The Military Advisor – Civilisation 2

Conquering the World is hard, as many people have discovered over the years. Sometimes when you find yourself caught in a pincer movement between the armies of Queen Elizabeth the 1st and Abraham Lincoln, you need a little re-assurance, and often a calm voice pointing out that building another 60 battleships is always a good idea.


4. Jools & Jops: Cannon Fodder

It’s slogan of “War has never been so much fun” hid a message of pacifism. After every level you paid tribute to your fallen comrades and watched the cemetary slowly filling up behind the queue of willing conscripts. None were missed so much as your first two soldiers. After all you’d come into the game together, but only one of you would see it through.

5. The Mechanic from Toca Race Driver 3.

I know you thought you were helping mate but for the love of God just leave me alone!! I was racing in the DTM when you found me, I made the podium that day. A few pieces of helpful advice later and I am back in England looking at a season in Clio’s. No matter how you look at that it’s a backwards step. I would take me several seasons before the DTM will come knocking again, during which time you will have me peddling everything from Trucks to Baja buggies. You my old mucka… are Fired!!

The way we were!

Five things that used to be great but we don’t just have them anymore.


1: Global Hypercolor T-Shirts.

A Garment so high tech that it could change colour depending on the temparature, turning the embarassment of sweaty pits into a bold fashion statement! It was pure science availiable to buy at C&A. Wearing that Blue T-shirt with my pink sweat marks I was in the future, and flying cars and hoverboards must surely be imminent.

2: Zeppelins

Combine the excitement of flying with the comfort of a cruise ship. Obviously filling them with highly explosive gasses was a design set-back, but with modern design and inert gasses they would be perfectly safe in light to moderate winds on a nice sunny day.

3: Cross Channel Hovercrafts

They were supposed to be the future, then they were the present for a bit before finally being killed off by something from the past – a humble train! It was a fantastic solution to problem that didn’t really exist. But the dream lives on in the garden sheds of Flymo owners everywhere!

4: Murray Walker Commentaries

Murray Walker could talk about paint drying and leave feeling like you had just seen the greatest TV spectacle since that Rainbow episode where Zippy played with his twanger. We can only hope that a one-off appearance to mark the return of F1 to the BBC is not out of the question.

5: Concorde

The 747 was almost invented by accident. Supersonic air travel was the future and Boeing was working on the american Conkers. It was with this in mind that some clever chap thought that there would be a market for a large cargo carrier, because there would not be room on the small passenger jets. The result made Concorde virtually redundant and brought low cost air-travel to the masses. Today Concorde sits in museums as the news gets excited about cruise liners again. History has taken a backwards step!

Every Second Counts

Well it looks like at some point today Martin Johnson will become the England Boss and Brian Ashton will be gently pushed out of Twickenham's back door into that little industrial estate behind the RFU's headquarters. Is that really a fitting end for a manager whose tenure as boss although rarely spectacular - can hardly be called a disaster!

I was there at Twickenham the day an angry crowd turned on Andy Robinson. In one voice 70,000 people told one man that he'd better not make any appointments for the following week - I've heard few people actually call for Ashton's demise.

It is true that we lost to Wales and came very close to being humbled by the mighty Italy - but we came through the storm and somehow found ourselves as Runners-up! We even managed to beat the French!

The World Cup also was supposed to be a disaster, but once again we made the Final. Had a foot not touched some painted grass then England could have been Champions, London would have had a big party and the Queen would have been scratching around in her honours box to find some more medals.

As an Englishman i have long since learned that 2nd is as close to victory as we're usually likely to get. And often thanks to terms such as "Penalty Shootout" and "Batting Collapse", we rarely get that far.

So over to you Jonno even if you are arriving just in time to take a holiday while the team are in New Zealand. It's not the poisoned challace that Italian bloke inherited over at Wembley by any means. The raw talent is there and you are proven and determined leader who won't stop until you get your hands on that shiny gold cup once more.

I look forwards to the Johnson years with much anticipation. But I also feel that something is not quite right in the way Ashton was treated in the end. He may not have been the charismatic and inspirational leader you need when you are trailing at half-time. Some players have made claims that perhaps they made the final despite him, rather than thanks to him. But he will be remembered for doing what we English do best - coming close, falling just short of greatness, and then quietly moving on without any fuss.

F1 - Generation Games

Few F1 Teams just disappear into oblivion these days. usually they are bought out, cars repainted and it's business as usual. I decided to have a look at this seasons protagonists and to explore the Bloodlines of the modern F1 grid.



1: Scuderia Ferrari / Alfa Romeo - Enzo began his racing team to run cars for Alpha Romeo before WW2. Post War the agreement was not to be renewed and the rest as they say, is history!

2: McLaren - Although the cars bear the same name as the Orange cars first entered into a GP by Bruce McLaren in 1966 this is a very different team. Following the James Hunt title of 1976 McLaren stuggled to remain competitive. The tide was turning and the days of steel frame monocoques, off the shelf DFVs and Hewland gearboxes were coming to an end. Renault had spoilt the party with their Turbo and soon others would follow suit. Ron Dennis was a successful F2 boss backed by Marlboro and in 1980 his Project 4 group acquired McLaren and a new company called McLaren International was born. The reference to this take over can still be seen in the cars MP4 Prefix.

3: Renault / Benetton / Toleman - The little Toleman team arrived in F1 in 1980 and struggled to make the grid. their two cars could managed just one start each in an era of Qualifying & Pre-Qualifying. By the end of 1983 however things were looking better with Derek Warwick taking two 4th place finishes. It was the arrival of the young Ayrton Senna de Silva which would write the Toleman name in History. That 2nd place finish at Monaco in 1984 along with two more podiums at Silverstone & Estoril began the Senna legend and attracted new sponsors for the team. The Benetton family would eventually go beyond sponsorship and by 1986 owned the team outright. by 1990 they had placed Flavio Briatore at the helm and by the mid 90's 2 World Titles had been won. Eventually Flavio would be moved aside and the team fell into decline until Renaults take-over. Ironically Renaults success owes much to the reappointment of Flav!

4. Honda/ BAR / British American Racing / Tyrrell - The once mighty Tyrrell team's last stand came with Jean Alesi's storming Second Place finish at Monaco in 1991. As the gap between the "have's" and the "have nots" grew ever bigger during the 90's Tyrrell fell increasingly into the "have nots". For their Final GP in 1998 Ricardo Rosset could not even qualify! A sad end for the team of Cevert and Stewart. The team was sold to British American Tobacco as part of Craig Pollock's Masterplan for a "Team Villeneuve". Unfortunately the team was Pollocks and JV's "Big One" at Eau Rouge that year pretty much summed up the year. By the time of Ken Tyrrells death in 2001 Villeneuve had made the podium but it still wasn't good enough. Pollock was ousted from his own team and Dave Richards began turning things around. The Arrival of Jenson Button would show up Villeneuve and he would be replaced before the end of the 2003 season. As BAR gave way to Honda Jenson would score that first win. but 10 years after the Tyrrell team's demise, it's successor still cannot live up to it's own lofty ambitions.

5. BMW Sauber / Sauber - After huge successes in Sports Car racing running the Mercedes superteam of Schumacher, Frenzen & Wendlinger. Peter Sauber was viewed by Mercedes as the perfect platform upon which to return to Grand Prix Racing for the first time since 1955. At the 1994 Monaco GP Karl Wendlinger suffered horrific injurys which lead Sauber to pioneer the now standard cockpit head protection. Mercedes support ended suddenly with a switch to McLaren for 1995. and stints with Ford and Ferrari power would follow. In 2001 the team took a huge gamble by bringing in a vastly inexperianced Kimi Raikkonen despite huge protests. he would of course be a revelation. Eventually the works support first envisaged from Mercedes arrived in the form of rivals BMW and the team goes from strength to strength.

6. Toyota - A brand new team in a brand new factory... well just a Brand really!!

7. Red Bull Racing / Jaguar / Stewart - Stewart showed the world how to start a formula one team. Works support from Ford, title sponsorship from one of the worlds biggest banks, two highly rated drivers and a car built by one of the best designers in the business - oh and a new tartan. 1997 was the year Bridgestone returned to take on Goodyears tyre monopoly and Jackie was one of the first to sign up to the new Japanese rubber. It all came to fruition at the Nurburgring in 1999 when Jonny Herbert took a fantastic win. Ford took notice and upped their involvement. Stewart left with his tartan and in came British Racing Green and World Champsionship runner-up Eddie Irivine. A constant rotation of the management staff though probably helped the project stall and a slump in Fords worldwide sales lead to the plug being pulled on Motorsport

8. Williams - Although the Williams team as we know it today is a born from scratch by Frank Williams & Patrick Head, the teams roots go back even further. In the late 1960's Frank Williams set up Frank Willliams Racing cars using customer chassis for drivers such as Piers Courage. Later with backing from a fridge company and Marlboro Cigarettes he began to build cars under the ISO Marlboro banner with little success. When his sponsors pulled out Canadian Millionaire Walter Wolf acquired a stake in the team. Williams became increasingly unhappy and left in 1976 to form the Williams we know today. His Old team became Wolf Racing and would go on to win a Grand Prix with Jody Schecketer before being would up after the 1979 season. A year later Alan Jones would take Williams first title.

9. Scuderia Toro Rosso / European Minardi / Minardi Course. Gian Carlo Minardi's team didn't build bad cars, they just never had the budget to build amazing ones. Where as some would be tempted to go down the pay driver route for extra money, Minardi resisted. The result is that Minardi's list of Drivers includes names such as Alonso, Trulli, Fisichella, Zanardi, Fittipaldi & Nannini. Winners all! Stoddart eventually took the name to ChampCar and the Minardi name lives on. I live in hope that one day it will return to Formula One... perhaps if we all stop buying Red Bull?

10. Force India / Spyker / Midland / Jordan - ...and of course the busiest paint shop in Formula One. Major backing from B&H helped Eddies team move from midfield maestros to championship contenders. Unfortunately when the money stopped so did the success and Jordan slid back down the grid at an alarming rate. Eventually there was an offer from an investment firm which was too good to refuse. they got the return on that investment and a year later made a sizable profit by offloading to the Spyker car company. Unfortunately people weren't buying enough Spykers to justify having an F1 programme so they were sold again to a Beer company. Well everyone drinks beer!!

11. Super Aguri - Used Honda's backing to make 5 year old Arrows Chassis go better than they ever did new. Rumours of a takeover were in the air but we all secretly hoped for the suvival of everyones favourite little team

Best of British

1. We don’t do things by Halves: We can turn a simple thing like opening a new building at Heathrow, and turn it into an entire weeks entertainment. The 2012 Olympic opening ceremony will be joy to behold!! (I have this bizarre premonition that the flame will be lit by Ozzie Osborne... and that a torch won't be involved!)

2. We’ll never rest on our Laurels: The British will never take an argument as simple as “it works perfectly” as an excuse not to invent a new more complicated and ergo better way of doing things. Anyone who has ever tried to pay a parking fee via mobile phone will know this to be true

3. Which leads us to our inventiveness: Ok so Brunel is no longer building the world and our status at the forefront of science may have died with the Sinclair C5, but you know it was the British who realised that Hob Nobs taste better when added to Tea. (And of course we invented the yardstick against which every invention ever invented will be compared - sliced bread!)

4. We drive on the right side of the road, which of course is the left side of the road: Obvious when you think about it. Especially when all your potential Enemy’s build tanks which are left hand drive. Any possible invasion will be delayed by at least the time it takes to kit an entire army with headlight converters – Genius!

5. Our calmness in times of crisis: If you look back at any catastrophe throughout history you will find a Briton there saying “Ah well, could be worse I suppose!”. We stay focused and determined in the face of even the harshest adversity. Look for example at "The Great Escape" (and I do on most Bank Holidays) They were not going to be deterred by anything, even though they had all read the script and knew that for some reason only the Americans would survive this one