Beep, Beep, Beep...

Today marks fifty years since the quest for cold war superiority kick started the space race, and we all began to realise our place in the universe. A feint beeping noise from space was indication that the Soviets had successfully placed a man-made object into space. As the Soviets celebrated their beach ball size probe happily bleeping it’s orbital path, the west began to panic as to what else may soon be flying over their heads.

The answer of course was a hell of lot more. Sputnik did for space what we British did to Benidorm, and today the planet is entirely surrounded by a vast array of humming technology powering our modern world. None of them however seems to currently be in range of my mobile as I have now been attempting to send a text message for 45 minutes.

But thanks to those satellites I can (theoretically) talk to anybody anywhere at the press of a button, and then look on Google Earth to check out the size of their back garden!

Sputnik came out of nowhere from a regime of secrecy. It’s designer Sergei Korolev was considered to be a State Secret, and never officially named. Ironic then that it’s descendants have become a platform for free speech and open communication all over the world. A weapon built as part of a military race for space, also let John Lennon tell the world that all you need is love!

Thanks to Sputnik we can all know our place in the universe - because our Tom-Tom's can tell us!

Colin McRae

It is a shock to motor sport enthusiasts everywhere to hear about the death of 1995 WRC Champion Colin McRae and his young son at the weekend. Although an English site, Brysonline today proudly flies the Saltire on our masthead to honour a Scottish great, and a true British motor sport hero!

Chaos, Panic and Disorder...

Chances are that by the time I have written this post there will not actually be anybody left to read it. You will instead be queuing impatiently outside your local branch of Northern Rock waiting to withdraw your life savings and tuck them safely into your mattress.

Not only does this provide a significant fire hazard, but it will probably be music to the ears of your friendly neighbourhood burglar, who had at best been hoping for some quality silverware and a Nintendo Wii.

We won’t even begin to discuss the difficulty these mattress-stuffers will have the next time the Bank of England decides to re-design the Fiver.

“It will all be okay!” comes the constant call from the Treasury and the Bank of England, “There’s no need to panic!”

But after ten years of Blairist government spin, nobody is ready to believe anything anymore!

Several years ago I was driving home from Kingston when traffic suddenly ground to a halt. For more than an Hour I sat motionless wondering what the problem possibly could be. Eventually the police managed to restore some kind of order and away I went. About a mile down the road I came upon the cause of the trouble. Half of Greater London was attempting to fill any possible container they could find with Petrol. I’m convinced to this day that I even saw one bloke topping off his hot water bottle!

What was the cause of this dash for petrol? Nothing more than a rumour on a radio station!

A human being is a wonderful thing. We have the ability to innovate, invent and adapt in any situation. But put a few of us together…

So if you are busy stuffing your mattresses, please remember not to smoke in bed. Especially if you're hoarding Premium Unleaded in your hot water bottle!

The Age of Information

As missions go it was far from the most complicated. I was not trying to take out hydroelectric dams in a low flying lancaster or cover-up evidence of an extra-terrestrial encounter.

My mission if I chose to accept it - and I did – was simply to purchase a lukewarm pastry snack treat from a mobile office catering van.

Unfortunately for me today was the day that everything changed! What was once a simple exchange of money for goods has become – for my own benefit – a much more drawn out procedure.

As of today lukewarm pastry eaters everywhere must first compile a Pastry Information Pack or PIP for all purchases of 75p or over. The document which costs about £200 contains detailed information about the percentage of meat, conditions at the pasty factory and a list of E numbers and Bacteria contained within the pastry crust.

These documents are the first step by the government to simplify the Pastry purchasing process and eliminate the posibility of being disappointed by poor quality, greasy snack treat.

A similar procedure is scheduled to be introduced later in the year for purchasers of Potted Noodle meals and many motivated people have already applied to get their hands on NIPs. Although these NIPs may be tweaked following consumer feedback.

Plans for a Spaghetti Hoops Information pack - or SHIP - are reported to have sunk without trace.

The good news is my application for a Sausage Roll has been accepted, and I should be able to complete my lunch within 4-8 weeks.

A Double Espresso, a Blithering Idiot, a Chav Hunt, and Another Blithering Idiot.

Are you one of those people who simply cannot function first thing in the morning without that skinny latté? Are the first hours of another day of painstaking work impossible without a perky mocha? Are you missing out on the office gossip because you haven’t had your espresso yet? Well take heed.

A seventeen year-old student from County Durham was admitted to hospital after unwittingly drinking seven double espressos while working at her family’s sandwich shop.

After suffering palpitations, hyperventilation and a fever, the lass now understandably has an aversion to coffee.

After being allowed home after a few hours observation, a few side effects have obviously kicked in – but at least she can catch up on all that studying.


A 26 year-old man jumped from the top of Durdle Door rock in Dorset after being egged on by three friends on Saturday.

Crashing into the water at 65 feet left him unconscious under the water, and he had to be airlifted to hospital after a holidaymaker swam to save him (the man’s friends fled the scene).

Apparently, this sort of thing isn’t new. It’s one of many new thrill-seeking activities that is sweeping the south, for people searching for that extra rush of adrenaline.

I’ve got just one word for said man – PRAT!

Or alternatively, do what the seventeen year-old student did, and have a few too many strong coffees.


A public school has criticised a video appearing on the net featuring a mock-up fox hunt, with boys in shell suits instead of the friendly quadrupeds.

Former students from Glenalmond College near Perth dressed as aristocrats and chavs and staged the chase which features one boy wearing a cap being pulled from a river and subjected to a simulated beating from the tweed-wearing attackers.

Sadly, the video has now been taken off the web. But no doubt others will follow.

May I suggest a few cups of strong coffee…

And of course...


Karl Rove, the “brain” of President George "Dubya" Bush is to stand down at the end of August as his advisor.

…

“Brain?”

Look at him!

I need a coffee!!

No, better still. I need a pint!!!

Can You Identify This Man..?

I thought that after months of not posting anything, I'd finally find something to talk about.

Turns out I was wrong.

So instead I found this picture of someone, sporting a rather unfortunate growth on his face - either that or he missed his nose during a very violent picking session.

Either way, it looks hideous...

Don't have nightmares.

Macca Tracca Update

The latest news from the Ministry of Maccarology, Macclesfield

Hopes were high for a weekend sighting following reports that he had been seen standing in for a traffic cone on the A27. Unfortunately these sightings could not be confirmed. This may mean that the reports were fanciful, or more worryingly that he was taken home as a souvenir by the remnants of a stag party - who had already collected a keep left sign and a police woman's helmet.

For the time being at least we must keep our official rating at "Red - No Sighting"

Chi Chi's 40th

(L-R) Tom, Chi-Chi, Nige & Ads all suited and booted for the evenings festivities.
Not pictured, Pope Gregory IX, Snoopy or Tara Palmer Tompkinson

Good News All Round

It's not every day you wake up to some good news!

And after 7 days of unexploded bombs, smoking bans, heavy flooding and long goodbyes (some expected & other's not) I think we are all happy to finally hear a positive piece of news! Alan Johnston is free and on his way home!!

And in the spirit of the day, I can now offer another positive bit of news. Ladies and Gentlemen kindly be upstanding and raise your glasses to the long awaited return of the never missed and possibly unpopular Brysonline MaccaTracca!

Yes, the online free service which can monitor how long it's been since we last saw the 2006 Grand Chiltie Award winner, our very own Macca.

It's being brought back at RED because of it's been a while... but check back regulaly because he's out there somewhere!! Possibly standing outside a pub in the rain.

From One Cloud to Another

I thought at first it was a mirage. Possibly a result of too many late nights or long term damage caused by the spicy sausages at Le Mans. I had to rub my eyes and take another look.

It’s definitely real, I can see it there between the clouds. It has been so long since I last saw it I’d almost forgotten what it looked like… it’s the sky!

After a month of solid rain, during which time enough water fell on this country to put Volvic out of business, the clouds are finally going away. Which will certainly make it more comfortable for those of us who shall in future be spending more time outside the pubs than in them.

Yes last night I got my first taste of what life will be like in this formerly free country – al fresco!

No more can I sit in the pub and have a drink & a smoke in peace. After years of being told not to stand about on street corners it's about become the routine of people all round the country.

There are soon going to be two distinct groups of public house patrons whose paths may never meet. As the smokers and non-smokers divide at the door to form their own little cliques each evolving independently of each other, with their own cultures and customs.

Who needs to stand inside? Who needs warmth and telly & pool? It’s a brave new world and I am going to stand proud and embrace it! Outsiders Forever!!

The blue sky has gone now. I think it may rain again soon…

Bugger!

Smile!

So Traffic wardens in Manchester are going to start wearing head-mounted CCTV cameras as they go about their their daily duties.

There are some who would argue that this is a vital tool to aid and assist our much maligned parking enforcers as they carry out their essential duties of keeping our streets clear of white vans and Chelsea tractors.

Others will say that this is the Big Brother society going too far, and protest that it is a violation of our core human right to privacy. That in a world where a parent cannot take out a camera at a school sports day for fear of being branded a pervert, there will be an army of complete strangers filming everybody, everywhere!

However surely the most important point to be made is not one of an Orwellian nature, but that of instant comedy gold. Surley this footage would be a gift for YouTube!!

How long before a head mounted camera records something truly hilarious such as a “something about mary” toilet related mishap, or an elderly driver managing to park a Fiesta halfway up a tree.

Today’s newspaper had a photograph of a Trafic Wardens van being towed for parking at a bus stop. While the crowd cheered and applauded this comical reversal of fortunes the Traffic Warden in question still found time to place a parking ticket on the tow truck for being parked in a Red-Zone!

Just imagine if all that has been filmed? We’d have been talking about Bafta Winning Comedy!!

Street Crime - Country Style!

It was late one Saturday night. I was headed for home along a route I have successfully navigated hundreds of times before.

Suddenly there was a noise which took my attention. A strange combination of growl and hiss began to come from the bushes to my right. The culprit soon presented himself to be a fairly sizeable badger who had taken an extreme disliking to my presence this particular evening.

It was a moonless night but I could still just about make out the stripy faced little git as he began to charge towards me.

Now I had grown up as a child on the image of the Gentle, wise old badgers from tales such as Wind in the Willows and The Animals of Farthing Wood.

The one that was charging down this slightly bemused bystander on a moonless Saturday evening was certainly no Genial wood-dweller. Here we had a hole-dwelling hoodie not only heading for his first ASBO, but more importantly, heading for my ankles.

I had up until this point been having highly enjoyable evening and had no intention of ending it by being eaten alive by a loveable woodland favourite - The humiliation would have been to great.

So I took the only obvious action available to me at the time. I turned on my heals and legged it. I very nearly gave him my wallet and car keys as well!

And so I come to stand before you all today and ask you take heed of my warning. Street crime is not just an urban thing. It’s just a lot more bizarre out here in the sticks.

Snappyracers.com Launches Printing Service!

Stop looking at her! Look at this!

As of May 2007, www.snappyracers.com has luanched a new printing service that can provide professional quality prints of almost every image on the website. A 6x4 print costs just £2.50!

We can print up to an A3 image plus if you want to get all fancy there's the option of having the print on a stretched canvas over a wooden frame. Admittedly this costs £140 or so but the option is there!

Already in the first week we've had 4 drivers and teams contact us to order prints. Payment is quick and easy through Paypal and the photos are with you in under a week.

So have a look at the site and then send me an e-mail. It really is that easy...

JB

The New Justice Squad

Today the Home Office gets split in two forming the new "Ministry of Justice"

Am I the only one who thinks this sounds like it should have been something from a Marvel Comic.

Is it a bird, is it a Plane... no! It's the Minister of Justice! See how he soars through the traffic lights in a police escorted Jaguar.

Deep in a Whitehall basement an over-worked Civil Servant has accidentally placed a list of 500 dangerous criminals in the "To Shred" pile instead of passing it on to the Police. But Never Fear, The Secretary of State for Justice is here!!!

See how he solves the problem by using his special powers of Fax and Email

Oh I can see a film franchise now!!!

Politics is in the Air

Well it’s that time again. Jeremy Vine is busy dusting off his swingometer and the Dimbleby’s are having a lie-in ahead of a very busy evening of debate, interview and analysis.

Yes it’s the English local elections!

Politics is in the air at late. Firstly we have a General Election looming in France, and the new resident of the Elysee Palace is surely going to have impact on the Continent of Europe as a Whole. In America there is an ongoing conflict between the Democrats and the White House over the future of the war in Iraq. And now here in Sussex we get to have our say on those Major issues such as should our bins be emptied once a year, or simply be placed under surveillance by an Environmental Special Branch.

The environment has been the central issue of this campaign for most. With David Cameron proudly announcing that you can Go Green by Voting Blue. Recycling is more popular than ever, slightly too popular it seems after reading a story yesterday on the BBC website about a woman charged for feeding her husband a Dog-Poo Vindaloo. Waste not..!

However on the whole the local elections in England will probably will probably prove little more than a popularity poll for the Government in Westminster, and a reading on the state of play coming into the 2009 General Election.

That is just England… On the other side of Hadrians wall things are a lot more interesting.

The Scots seem to be not voting only on who gets to run Scotland, but seemingly the very future of the union itself. The SNP promise a referendum on Scottish in dependants within 100 days if they can take control of the Scottish Parliament.

Is this marriage of 300 years really nearing the end?

The one thing we all know is certain to end is the Premiership of Tony Blair. Sometime next week he is wildly expected to pop round to the Palace and resign as PM, triggering the leadership contest that will almost certainly be won by Gordon Brown.

Politics is in the air at late, and it’s certainly an air of change.

So make sure you’re a part of it. Make sure you’ve had your say!

Do your bit for British Democracy - Go & Vote!

Tell me why I just like Thursday

I’ve always liked Thursdays. It dates back to an era when my local pub would only ever get in enough alcohol to last until midway through Monday evening leaving the place dry until delivery day. Thursday was delivery day and therefore a day you were guaranteed to be able to board the Happy bus to Heinekenland without let or hindrance.

Thursday has therefore become enshrined in my conscience as a night for drinking with the lads. We have all accepted over time that if you were ever looking to get everyone together in one room then a Thursday is the day to do it.

And on a Thursday there is always something to talk about, as Thursday is also “Autosport day” - The day when my new copy of the motor racing bible reveals to me the latest coming and going-on in the motorsport world. OK admittedly it’s breaking news significance has lessened in these days of 24 hour online news, it’s still a cracking read and well worth the wait!

Now over the last few weeks Autosport magazine has featured photographic contributions from our very own JB. They are small and usually at the back but it’s a major achievement never-the-less. Especially if like me your attempts at photographing moving racing cars often results in 36 pictures of empty tarmac.

Hopefully this week JB can make the leap from the back pages of Club Motorsport to the International Scene. Starting tomorrow he will be at happy snapping at Brands for the British Round of the A1GP Championship.

Unfortunately it’s not been quite as enjoyable a day for many others.

Prince Harry has been told he may not be able to join his regiment in Iraq after all, and rapper Snoop Dogg has been refused entry to Australia. That’s right, refused entry to the country that is home to Erinsborough’s evil super villain Paul Robinson (The evilist hotel owner on Earth!!)

But the best story of the day has to be the arrest of Hugh Grant for allegedly assaulting a journalist with a tub of baked beans. Surly as a news story that is about as English as it is possible to get!!

All fuel for discussion at our usual Thursday night get together. After all it is the stepping-stone to Friday Night and the weekend ahead!

Alan Johnstone

The more eagle-eyed of you may have noticed that our regular "Macca Tracca" has temporarally been removed.

This is because Brysonline has joined the online global vigil calling for the immediate & safe return of the BBC's Gaza reporter Alan Johnstone.

For more information please click on the link in the sidebar

New Earth

There is another planet that is just maybe a little bit like Earth and might just possibly have water/trees/hamsters.

This was the exciting news I had woken up to this morning. Scienticians who know far more about such things were getting very excited by the discovery of the unromantically named Gleise 581 C.

Last weeks Doctor Who storylines are seemingly this weeks reality, as suddenly the World is talking about a “New Earth”

Apparently the planet, larger than the earth and with a year lasting just 13 days, is in that orbital sweet-spot needed to ensure that a planet is habitable. As Goldilocks said – “It’s Just Right!”

Unfortunately for me I’ll probably never get to see this probable package holiday destination of the future. At 20 light years travelling time it is probably well beyond the range of even my new zippier Mini Cooper.

Of course it I were to set off this morning with a full tank of petrol I would probably still get there before the Cricket World Cup finishes. It seemingly has been going on since the Sphynx was a kitten and shows no sign of ever stopping. Yet people are still watching on TV and talking about it endlessly on the radio.

Why?

Surely the biggest mystery’s of our universe are a lot closer to home!

Making Headlines

For one young man it has been quite a memorable weekend.

I am not of cause talking about the break-up of Prince William and his long term girlfriend, because quite frankly I don’t really care. Why newspapers devoted page after page to this non event is beyond me. Especially on a day where two British helicopters had crashed in Iraq.

The only newsworthy part of this story is the great idea that one major high street chain have been left with warehouses filled to the brim with “Commemorative Royal Engagement Memorobillia” Soon surely coming to an internet auction site near you!

I myself once made a similar premature assault on the memorobillia market. If anybody desires a “Hear’Say 10th Anniversary!” Commemorative garments then they are wildly availiable from several landfill sites around the country.

The great news as far as I am concerned is the continues success of the man simply known now to millions as Lewis. He has in the space of a month joined that select band of British sports stars who no longer need a surname: Johnny, Tim, Paula & Freddy! Even the mighty David Beckham never quite got into this club!

Lewis Hamilton’s journey from Child karting prodigy to Britains great Grand Prix hope as been a long one, and only I have followed with interest in the pages of Autosport.

I remember it as if it were yesterday my first glimpse of an even babier faced Lewis Hamilton, then in his first season of Formula Renault.

I've seen over the years now quite a few drivers come up through the junior ranks, and none of them made such an impression on me. I knew on that day that I was there in the first chapter of a World Champions Autobiography!

Of course in the second race he slammed it into the tyre wall right at my feet - something he would again do at Donnington a few weeks later leading JB to the idea that I may be some kind of cursed talisman. (It’s OK Ron – I’m not going to Silverstone this year!)

Now he has re-written the history books by claiming 3 podiums in his first 3 races. The first time in my memory that a Grand Prix record has gone to anyone other than a certain Herr Schumacher.

If he can take a win before the French GP on the 1st July then he will surpass jackie stewart as Britains fastest ever GP Winner (per no of starts).

It’s a rare thing for Britain to have a star we can universally get behind, and an even rarer thing to have one who can exceed even our lofty expectations. Today people who have never even watched a grand prix are talking about yesterday’s result, and anticipating the results to come.

The most telling thing about Lewis Hamilton’s phenominal entrance to Grand Prix motorsport is that after just 3 races, it just seems like he has been there for years.

This kid is special, and I’m sure we have seen nothing yet. I am off to ladbrookes to put £50 on him for Sports Personality of the Year!

Bryson Motorsports: 2000 - 2007

It was Saturday the 13th May 2000. The Venue was Silverstone circuit in the heart or Northamponshire. The “Audi Years” were just beginning as the mighty R8 meets Britain’s premier (if not only) Grand Prix Circuit.

It was there in the baking sun, sitting in the remnants of a half deconstructed hospitality suite that the ficticious Bryson Motorsports came to be. Over the disected remnants of the portable radio I had bought for a fiver.

A private joke between two slightly sun-stroked endurance race fans just kept growing faster than my bar-bill. Soon others were in on the joke

A month later we did our first Le Mans and for the first time there was the moniker “The Bryson Boys”

By 2003 the first “tour shirts’ appeared featuring a team logo, and now established Red/Black Livery.

In July 2006 Brysonline was born, with the intention of becoming a community forum for “Bryson Boys” to share there thoughts and discuss the weither matters of the day.

Now in 2007 we are approaching our 7th birthday. Which is almost 50 in Dog Years. Our “Golden Retriever” anniversary!

It is an event which should be marked, preferably by a commemorative £2 coin or a limited edition stamp of some kind. Although I suppose a curry and a piss-up will do the job equally well!

Shameless Plugs

Well the 2007 motorsport season is well underway. The F1 guys have had 2 races but more improtant the Dunlop Motorsport News Saloon Championship has had it's first roudn at Lydden International Race Circuit in Kent. Lydden was unfortunately turned down from hosting his years British GP as it only has 3 toilets - all of which smell. However it's a superb little circuit and I'm back there in 2 weeks time for the 750 Motor Club meeting.

Have a look at www.snappyracers.com to see all this year's images plus the archive from 2006.

JB

New Stock

Congratulations to Bryson favourite Juan Pablo Montoya for scoring his maiden victory in the NASCAR Busch Series.

The former GP star becomes the first hispanic winner, and the first non-american for 6 years.

It is "Monty's" first race win since his sudden departure from McLaren midway through last season.

Montoya was a Grand Prix driver between 2001 and 2006 and scored victories for both Williams and McLaren.

Answers to Corrispondance

Last week I challenged the lads to throw me a few teasers and get some of those questions answered that they had always pondered about.

JB in his usual enthusiastic vigour sent enough to keep me, and the staff of several universities busy until June.

But as today is his birthday, I have selected a few of the best to which I shall attempt to answer.


Please would you fix it for me to know where the phrase "thinking cap" comes from? i.e. "Best get your thinking cap on".

This rule was brought in by the health & safety people who were concerned our heads might be singed by the spontanious appearance of a floating lightbulb.


How many people would have to die before I became king?

I’ll hope by this that you are referring to succeeding naturally,rather than through anything more treasonous!

Now taking into account that there are 60 Million people living in the United Kingdom,then I would put you in at 59,432,998th in line to the throne - one behind the cat from the opening titles to Coronation Street.


When will they invent spectacles that can see through clothing. Only female clothing mind. And why would that work? Surely you'd also see through the flesh and therefore only be presented with a view of the internal organs and tendons?

You mean you havn’t got a pair yet? You’ll be telling me next you don’t have a jetpack!


Why do I have bad hair days?

Because when you are sleeping Tracy uses your head as a potter’s wheel.


Who decided that we should work 5 days a week and only have 2 fora weekend? And more importantly can I make them change their mind?

Well Edward Heath did try and introduce a three-day working week, But everybody shouted at him until he went away.


Could the internet ever be turned off?

Yes, there is a big red button hidden in a field in Shropshire. For security reasons they have painted it with white dots to look like a toadstool.


When did it become popular to use toilet roll instead of a leaf on a stick?

After the great stinging nettle invasion of 1854


When will my feet stop growing?

When you forget about feet and start using the metric system like the rest of us!


If the earth were the size of Richard Branson's balloon thing, how big would the moon be and how far away would it be? Could I reach it on a standard household ladder? What about if I then also had a stick in my hand?

No, because if the earth was the size of a balloon then everything in it would be scaled down to the same ratio. Therefore the moon would be exactly where it is now and ladders would still only be high enough to get you into the loft.

If someone were ran over by a steam roller from their feet upwards, when would they die?

I would guess that the cause of death would come with the crushing of the chest cavity and all the internal organs. However in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Judge Doom survived the process entirely, and only died when he was later exposed to the deadly dip.

Thank’s JB… Hope that enlightened you on your birthday!


Some of the other's have also been getting in on the act. Ads has posted a question below.

Tom submitted one question, to which I’d have to say… no, have you looked in the last place you had them?

I would also like to take time to thank Chi-Chi for his question, which I will get around to answering once I have found a rugby team drunk enough to explain all the innuendos.

Ask Nige

I have a question that perhaps R Nige may be able to enlighten me about, since I can't think of anything decent to post under normal circumstances. So here goes:

Q: If Darwin's theory of evolution is to be believed, and that we did in fact evolve from apes, and that giraffes' neck only got longer so as to aid it in eating from the tallest of trees, why of why in the barren wastelands of the desert do zebras still stick out like sore thumbs dressed in their black and white Nike shellsuits, whereas their predators, namely lions and cheetahs etc have been able to blend into the background.

Why not make those crafty cheetahs work for their meal - give their fur a common Burberry look to redress the balance a little. Perhaps some ostentatious spoilers on their tails, or some neon eyes. Or maybe the inability to move quickly without squealing uncontrollably, alerting all and sundry within a five mile radius...

It's over to you...

Educashun, Edukation, Edducation

So, according to a UN report Britain is the worse place in the developed world to be a child with regards to schooling, health and general happiness.

Still it's nice to win something every once in a while!

"Come on Tim!!"

Slings and Arrows

2007 will mark the 10th anniversary of one of the great “Nearly” moments in motor racing. Few had given Damon Hill any chance of success when he was faced with the prospect of defending his World Championship from the cockpit of an uncompetitive Arrows Yamaha.

The year couldn’t have got off to a worse start as Damon’s car expired right at the start with throttle problems. Twelve months earlier he had won the race.

When a World Championship finally point came his way after a stunning drive at Silverstone, the season was half over. No one then had any inkling of what was about to come.

I was on holiday in America that weekend, and had been stunned to hear in a telephone conversation with a mate back home that Damon had put his car into P3 for the start of the Hungarian Grand Prix. At all costs I had to find coverage of the race on Television.

Now back in 1997 I was yet to get hooked up to even the basic sky package, and so was used only to the terrestrial British television consisting of 4 channels. I was now desperately searching hundreds as the clock ticked down. Eventually I heard the unmistakable tones of John Watson and I was just in time for the start.

Damon of course would go off on the drive of his life – famously passing the Ferrari of Michael Schumacher for the lead which he would hold until the very last lap. It was of course not to be. A combination of a Transmission problem and a charging Jacques Villeneuve would deny the sport the greatest unexpected win since Olivier Panis had taken the Monaco GP 12 months earlier.

Of the teams that started that race in 1997, only Williams, McLaren, Ferrari & Sauber still remain. Of those only one is not now linked to a global Manufactuer.

The next few weeks would seem to be critical in determining the direction of the next decade of the sport. The fight between the Privateers and the Manufactuers seems to be heading for its high noon moment in the Melbourne paddock as arguments persist about the legalities of customer chassis and B-Teams.

10 years from now will we have lost forever at this level, those true privateer teams that are the last link between our modern world and the Brooklands spirit?

All I know is that there is no major corporation who could ever stir in me the spectrum of emotions that I felt watching that little Arrows team reach for the stars, and so nearly pulling it off!

The end of Big Brother? You 'aint seen nothing yet!

On Wednesday, in a move that has made me feel more than a little old, Oasis will be presented with a lifetime achievement award at the Brits.

Has it really been a decade since the landmark Be Here Now, an album that still provides mixed opinions in everybody I talk to!

I’ve always liked for it’s shear overblown excess. Yes, so there are several songs that run on a bit to long, one in particular can be timed on a calendar and still had the nerve to come back as a two-minute reprise.

That was a good summer for me, I was just out of school and my only cares in the world involved girls, passing my driving test, and wearing the right shoes (and occationally the left ones as well)

It was a simpler time when a carbon footprint was something Neil Armstrong left on the moon, and our armies were too busy keeping the peace to go fighting a war. At nights we slept soundly in our beds with our TV’s on standby, unaware that a thousand miles away some polar bears were feeling unseasonably warm.

Believe it or not we used to put plastic bottles into bins without the worry that the in built bugging device will inform a nearby SWAT team. There used to be streets in this country that you could walk down without the unblinking eyes of CCTV cameras recording you for posterity. These days I make it onto so many TV screens whilst going about my daily life that I am applying to join Equity.

Of course the next development of our ever encroaching state is road pricing. A satellite system which tracks your every move and sends it back to a man with pound signs in his eyes waiting you send you a very large bill.

One day soon anyone with the right kit will be able to go to a computer and discover exactly what I was doing at 2pm last Saturday. I'll save him the expense; I was watching the rugby at Twickenham.

It’s strange that in the decade since Oasis ruled the world - and our leash has been slowly reigned in - the only national debate we have had about the rights and wrongs of Big Brother involved the televised rantings of Jade Goody

Return of the Mighty "Stunts"

The first Queens Head Quiz night marked a true return to form for our once legendary* pub quiz team “The Cupid Stunts”

At our peak we amassed a prize fund of almost £200, which which bought us all a day out at a Harlequins match, and enough lager to keep us going for the first half.

After three long years without competing, Ads, JB and Myself claimed a dominant win and a free meal voucher each.

What makes this achievement even more enjoyable is that we achieved it without the help of the de-facto team captain and human encyclopedia, Chi Chi.

Of course modesty prevents me from taking all the glory for the win, but it was my pen JB used to write the answers.


* Contrary to our own delusions, the cupid stunts were never legendary outside of our own over inflated egos. In fact I once got the “You Say We Pay” qualifier question wrong on Richard & Judy, and JB was soundly trashed last week by a kid whilst watching Junior Mastermind.

Happy Birthday Britain

Today marks the 300th anniversary of the signing of the 1707 Act of Union, which united the Kingdoms of Scotland and England under a new moniker The Kingdom of Great Britain.

Politics aside, I think that’s an event worth celebrating. A day for both English and Scot to put aside our differences and enjoy what brings us together as Brits.

So are there to be huge parades, fireworks in the skies, and nationwide festivities and a rip-roaring chorus of Rule Britannia?

No.

But there will be a commemorative £2 coin.

If you would kindly not spend it all at once then it would sure help fight inflation!

Mind the..!

It’s a moment in which the normal rules of space and time cease to exist. Everything around you moves into slow motion and your brain begins its unenviable task of analysing the situation and trying to find a way out. There of course is no way out, I have caught my foot, my balance has gone and one way or another I am going down!

It was a stupid situation, I was climbing a set of stairs I had climbed every working weekday of my life for the last 3 years. A set of stairs I have, up until today, always managed to successfully navigate without incident. Today however was different. For one thing to a combination of being in a bad mood because there was a large truck blocking my parking space. Secondly in the true spirit of the modern age I was, instead of looking where I was going, fiddling about with my iPod.

It was a recipe for disaster and all those people who gleefully hold the mantra “I told you so” were given cause to wax lyrical as my foot caught under the top step and I found the accident was already in progress.

As I fell to my knees, all hopes that my little moment would have taken place beyond the sight of watching eyes were quickly dashed. I accepted my short round of applause and limped off to nurse my slightly bruised ego – a chocolate Hob Nob was involved!

Look out Cosmos - Us Brits are Coming!!

One of the most unexpected news stories of the past week has been the growing support for a British manned spaceflight programme. Just as you get used to the daily round of stories about Iraq, The Ashes, Big Brother - and in the case of one newspaper, Diana Conspiracies – Britain suddenly announces that they will follow the Americans and take that “one small step for man”

It wouldn’t be the first time that we as an Island had got involved with the space race. I recently watched a documentary about the early years of a British rocket programme, based on the German V2 designs captured at the end of the war. The home of this fledging space programm - The Isle of Wight.

This facility was abandoned in the 50’s, and today there is very little left on the Cliffside to suggest that this was almost the venue of an English Cape Canaveral. As a nation though we continued our attempts to get into space, mostly through the efforts of the Garden Shed Inventor.

Our highest profile attempt to “boldly go” came through the Beagle 2 project, named in honour of the boat which took Darwin on his voyages of scientific discovery. Lead by Colin Pillinger, who looked every inch the part of the Open University professor, the project was based at the National Space Centre at the University of Leicester.

Hitching a lift on the back of a European “Mars Express” mission, Beagle 2 – which had famously been introduced to the world in a Tesco’s shopping trolley – made it to the Red Planet before losing communications with Earth.

In another strangely British twist, the signal due to be sent back to confirm a safe landing was a specially written tune by indie band Blur.

NASA’s Mars Odyssey craft eventually found a crater which is believed to be the final resting place of the Beagle.

So we certainly have a history, and a bunch of talented and be-bearded individuals who could well pull off a lunar landing. The problem will be what happens then?

For some reason the words “package holiday” and “all inclusive” come springing to mind. Might we really only be 50 years away from Brits swapping the Mediterranean for the Sea of Tranquility. Low cost hotels and London theme pubs would pop up all over the surface as people took advantage of the new Budget Spacelines and went off on an astral booze-cruize.

Will the brightest object in the night sky soon burn with a neon glow, a zero gravity Ibiza for the next generation of hardcore clubbers?

God only knows what Sir Patrick Moore will see through his telescope!

Happy Twentyohsevenmas!!!

After months of being inundated by festive advertising and images of snow covered happy people – Christmas is over!!!!

The crackers have been pulled, resealed and boxed again ready for next year. The beer got all warm and drunk, and we all followed. Boxing Day gave way to Fencing day and the Christmas tree was planted back into the garden to grow a bit for next year - A plan flawed only by it’s artificialness.

At least the decorations can stay on until the squirrels steal and bury them in the spring!

2006 has been consigned to the history books and we stand willing to embrace a new 12 month period during which we shall probably continue to put off doing all the stuff we’ve been promising to do since the dawn of the Millennium.

The problem is that television keeps getting better, alcohol more varied and handheld gaming consoles more addictive. So instead of setting forth unto the world in the spirit of Magellan or Columbus, I’m more than prepared to wait and see the world through future versions of Grand Theft Auto.

Other members of the Bryson fold have been busier over the last 12 months and there are to be several noteable changes this year. Somewhere in-between me playing Liberty City Stories and switching on the telly to watch Ghosthunting with Girls Aloud, Macca Bought a House. A proper adult house with mortgages and bills and discussions about soft furnishings and the pro’s and cons of under-floor heating.

It’s a big deal to somebody like me whose idea of financial management is making sure that crumpled banknotes are removed from my jeans before I wash them.

Then we have Chi-Chi, who is also off to start his marital home and brand new for 2007 job possibly involving some sort of Tie.

For Conrad and Lindsey there is to be the pitter-patter of tiny feet followed by the lengthy sleep deprived joy of a newborn baby.

Throw into this mix that fact that Tony Blair’s resignation is creeping ever closer (There will be some non café culture binge-drinking that night!) and the knowledge that Englands painful slide into Rugby obscurity will be over by the summer. Which should mean that all the bandwagon jumpers from 2003 will vacate Twickenham and we might actually manage to get some tickets for something other than the Italy game.

Then of course there is Le Mans. The greatest race will be run for the 75th time this year, and we shall be there in force. After 5 years of trial and error Tom and Myself feel like old hands, and plan to utilise our knowledge to the full for what may be the last hurrah down at le sarthe (for the foreseeable future anyway)

These changes are not the beginning of the end for the Bryson Boy’s, mearly the end of the beginning. One thing is for sure, whatever comes from the next 12 months will be recorded, satirised or have the preverbial taken out of it right here.

Unless of course, they were right about Bird-Flu!

There is a robin outside that looks a little groggy…