Hunt vs. Hill – THE FINAL!

Ok so after a three month wait JB has finally made his case for James Hunt to be crowned King of Cool. So lets look at his arguments one by one:

1. A Handsome Chap: Ok so Hunt probably just snatches this one away from Hill in the manor of a heterosexual who doesn’t really want to think about this one too hard.

2. Successful: Yes Hunt won a world Championship, but Hill won two, and Le Mans, And the Indy 500, and…

3. Wild Private Life: Ok so Graham was more inclined to turn up with the family rather than an entire Quantas cabin crew, point for Hunt. Of course his private life also involved keeping budgies…

4. Danger, there his no question that the 1970s was a dangerous time for motorsport, Niki Lauda is testament to that. The point is though, was it any more dangerous than the 1960’s? Graham Hill’s second world championship was won after the Death of Jimmy Clark! The list of Motorsport casualties in Hills career hits much harder than the list for Hunts.

5. Spectacular Crashes: Ok so Hunt had the more spectacular shunts, while Graham Hill just sat back and got the job done. I don’t think there’s a lot of cool in walking away from a smoking pile of debris, but climbing out of a GP Winner looking like you have simply been for a stroll in the park?

6. JB’s final point of argument was the early manor of James Hunts passing. I cannot award something as trivial as a point for this. Both men were taken at a very young age. It is almost an Irony that despite Dangers they had faced on the track, both men would die away from it.

In response to JB's argument I make it 3-2 to Graham Hill

As I said in an earlier post: “In 1966 the world was cool, grand Prix racing was cool, and the coolest of them all was Graham Hill

These are just my thoughts. We will probably never reach a consensus on this one, and in the end it is futile to try.

In a world of thousand heroes, does it really matter who is King?

Round our way

It’s true, it can be confirmed, there is an epidemic sweeping this country and the tabloids seem to have missed it completely.

While readers of the popular press are waxing lyrical about terrorists, fat smokers and assylum seekers, another far more worrying trend is showing itself in the avian world.

I am not of course talking about Bird Flu which dissappeared almost as quickly as it was supposed to kill us all, nor am I referring to rumours of Genetically modified chickens with 36 legs and no breast. I am talking about the increasing stupidity of pigeons.

There was a time not long ago when even a pigeons little brain would be able to warn it that a car is approaching at 40mph and it might be advisable to take advantage of it’s aerial capabilities.

However the pigeons round our way have seeming forgotten all about the wings sprouting from their shoulders and instead insist on walking around in the ambling manor more befitting of a courting couple or somebody who has just had a sizeable lunch.

When they do spot the approaching traffic and have taken 10 –20 seconds to review the situation, the standard response seems to be to walk a bit faster In the unfortunate yet slightly comical way pigeons have developed. Why it is an advantage to have your neck muscles connected to your thighs escapes me!

This morning I had to pick my way around 5 stubbon flying rats who each refused to accept the possible threat to them posed by a Dunlop tyre. Surely if they are oblivious to the noise created by a 1.6litre BMW powerplant then what chance do they stand againsts the steathy stalking of a master predator.

In fact the situation has got so bad that foxes round our way are starting to take the piss. I saw one the other day wearing Morris dancers bells on his legs and singing old school disco classics at an almost antisocial volume.

I think it’s time some sort of Avian Green Cross Code was developed to re-educate pigeons in Highway etiquette, before we end up with punctured tyres, endangered species and extremely fat and contented foxes.

In the meantime I have taken to sporting a message on my front bumper. It reads simply: “You can Fly you Muppets”

Nige on Cows & Super-fast Diesels

It’s something we had all suspected, but thanks to “Language Specialists” it can now be confirmed that Cows do indeed have regional accents. I know it comes to many of us as quite a relief. I cannot count the sleepless nights I have spent wondering why it is only Cows from city farms in London that shoot me a jolly wink and call me “Guv’nor”.

Of course it does raise the questions of how much this research cost, who paid for it, and what other important stuff should it have been spent on? The problem as far as I see it is that apart from allowing the BBC to make more Bovine friendly regional programmes, it’s not the huge break-through in 21^st century science that is going to provide me with that Jet-Pack I really, really want.

Although it does allow everyone a day of coming up with interesting dairy-based place names such as Moocastle or ‘Uddersfield. Very A-Moo-sing

Moving away from the subject of pointless expenditure – congratulations to JCB for breaking the World Diesel Land Speed Record and commiseration’s of course to our own JB who had previously held the record for a Journey from Calais to Rouen.

The JCB Team topped 300mph at the legendary Bonneville Salt Flats. Sadly they didn’t do it in one of their range of Earth-movers as that would have made stunning telly.

News from the Bryson camp suggests that JB is currently readying his Ford Focus for a possible afternoon run – probably to Burger King*.

And so as we embrace this new age of diesel velocity, we can await the next revelations about the animal kingdom, my money is on Hamsters being very loyal to their local Football Clubs.

*Other things to eat at lunchtime are availiable, such as Sausage Rolls, Guava fruit and Chicken Madras

Kings of Cool: James Hunt

This is easy this one. Ask 10 people on the street who the coolest racing driver in the world is and I reckon 8 of them would say James Hunt. He is the epitome of racing cool. I mean look at him (in a non-homosexual way).

First off, lets look at JB's list of requirements to be a cool racing driver and how Mr Hunt fairs:

• Good looking - if I was a woman... More seriously, he was the heartthrob of the time. Maybe cos he was up against people like Emmo actually.
• Successful - 1976 World Champion would suggest he was. Plus 14 poles and 10 wins. Thats more than lots of people. Not as much as any. I'd like to have won that much. And he did win in the Hesketh in the 1975 Dutch GP which is the equivalent of Bryson turning up drunk with a Vauxhall Astra and winning a GP.
• Wild Private Life - Rumours persist he didn't go to bed the night before he became champion until 6am. And not alone.
• Danger - Considering he was helped to the title by Lauda's crash on the Nordschleife, it can be successfully argued that Hunt raced in a dangerous world.
• Crashes - Many of his early races were punctuated by massive accident. In one of his early Formula Ford races he managed to somersault into a lake. He would probably have drowned if he'd been wearing seatbelts. But he wasn't. Cos he couldn't afford them.
• Early End - James left us after suffering a massive heart attack just hours after proposing to his girlfriend.A tragic end to a life that was in it's prime. The sport of F1 is a sadder place for it.

And yes, I've conveniently ignored the budgie thing.

Introducing...... JB!!!

Look! I made a post...! Nigie advised me to make it memorable and long-lasting. So I'd thought I'd talk about something that is important to all of us. Alcohol.

In a moment of sheer foolishness I agreed to suffer the mental and physical toture of running a half-marathon. Some may laugh and point that I'm not running a full marathon. To them I wave my rude finger until that person proves that they can run longer and faster than me.

One of the unfortunate side effects of this - aside from actually doing the running (believe me its a downside) - is that I have to eat healthily and give up drinking for 3 months. I repeat that again. I have voluntarily given up alcohol and burgers for 3 months. Oh dear god. What have I got myself in to!!!

So should you see me curled in the foetal position outside of a pub, please take pity. Do not point and laugh. Do not wave pork scratchings at me. Do not offer me the contents of the drip tray.

Do however sponsor me.

***WARNING - SERIOUS BIT FOLLOWS***

I am running in the Barns Green half marathon on the 29th October 06. I'm running for St Catherine's Hospice which is something very dear to my heart. So if you want to sponsor me please send me an e-mail to jon@snappyracers.com

Great Sporting Controversies of our Time #54

I have raised on these pages several times my apathetic approach to the sport of Cricket. England’s ashes triumph was celebrated wildly by those around me while I sat and pondered about how small and seemingly insignificant the trophy was.

That was one of the sports finest hours apparently (although I am sure no Australian would agree!) what went on yesterday however, was nobody’s finest hour.

I will never understand the need to make a game last five days just for the sake of it. The only games that ever lasted for five days were those football matches we used to play at lunchtimes in school. Those games that had 30 players a side and ended up with a Friday scoreline of 133-132, featuring pitches whose width was 3 times longer than it’s length.

The cricketing activities of Sunday took me right back to those days on the playing fields. Accusations of cheating followed by people refusing to play until somebody else apologised for calling their mother something unapropriate were a daily occurance when you were 12. At an international sporting event however...?

If it wasn’t bad enough for the Pakistani captain that he is going home after losing the series, and his being charged with ball tampering - he now has to get his entire touring side plus all their luggage through the current chaos of the British Airports.

Let’s just hope they’re not flying home on Monarch.

Still, if the accusations against them prove to be false I can more than sympathise. That Friday morning scoreline should have read 133-133, I was never offside!!!

Keep it on Ice

In years to come a married couple will be sitting in front of their television watching an endless procession of talking heads nostalgically reliving the years of the early 21^st century. Up I’d pop, and while they argued between themselves trying to decide whether I was Nigel from Eastenders or that bloke with the monkey from the ITV Ads, I would recite memories of John Prescott playing Croquet, The Crazy Frog ringtone and sleeping through the England winning the Ashes.

One of the things I would probably pause upon for a moment would be 2006 being the year of cider.

After years of being associated with the smock wearing, straw-munching Wurzels, Cider is once again the beverage of choice in many pubs. One Irish brand in particular has revolutionised the whole concept of cider by insisting that it be drunk over ice. Suddenly cider manufacturers everywhere are adding ice-cubes to their promo shots as band-wagons are enthusiastically leapt upon.

What a simple idea! It’s got to be right up there with that fella who made millions by removing one olive from every jar, or whoever added the words “repeat if necessary” to shampoo directions.

Will the ice-trend continue into other areas of beverage?

It’s got to be great news for the police and for the government’s war on Binge-Drinking if suddenly everybody’s glasses are full of ice, and they are paying a pint price for a watered down half. Come 11 o clock everyone is sober and can’t figure out why!

Of course whether this is a lasting shift for cider or just a passing craze will be seen I’m sure on those biting November evenings when the pub heating has packed in. Whatever the case we’ve come a long way from the drunk on his bench with his bottle of super-strength.

Don Nigleone

It was his own fault. I had smashed up his shop, threatened his customers and beaten him in a comedy styleé , but still he was not prepared to pay my protection money. Now he sleeps with the fishes – and not in a fun way! It was not really about the $400 I would get from this tailors shop, it was about what it was concealing. With the shop mine the backdoor was unlocked to reveal a secret brothel with was now under family control.

Now before you go running to my mummy I would like to point out that I havn’t really turned to local thuggery as an additional form of income. I was playing Godfather - The Game on a grey Sunday afternoon.

I had bought this game several months ago but after playing through the Initial tutorial levels had dismissed it as being too complicated and fiddly. However my boredom had lead to it’s reprieve and soon the over-complexities of the tutorials moved aside for a more natural feel once the game got going.

I was on the bottom rung of the Corleone family tree and thrown into the world of the first Godfather film. Where I became the one to Eliminate the traitor Paulie, and sneak into the directors house to leave a little equine surprise on his bed.

Now if there is a better way to spend a Sunday than roughing up shopkeepers, entertaining hookers and evading the cops then I certainly havn’t found it. Before I knew where I was it was 2am this morning and my tiredness was starting to tell. In one final blaze of glory I accidentally fell victim to my own Molotov Cocktail.

Perhaps I should leave this stuff to the professionals.

The Godfather: The Game is availiable now at most good retailers.
Other things to buy are availiable.

Planet Potters

(NIGE) I’ll never forget the day I was told that the way I played pool didn’t count anymore. The Introduction of “World Rules” meant that overnight I went from understanding a game to having no idea how it works.

When it comes to bar-room games I seldom play that is simply an annoyance, but being told that there are no longer nine planets in the solar system makes you want to sit down with a very large brandy.

Yet as of today that is the situation that has arisen in our night skies.

With everyone expecting scienticians and celebrated boffins to declassify Pluto as an “Ice-Dwarf”, the news should have been a reduction in solar system capacity.

Education authorities would probably have preferred this measure as it meant textbooks could be altered with some scissors, black paper and a Pritt-stick.

However it’s new books all round as Pluto is confirmed as a planet, and the Solar System takes on an interesting new form.

Mercury – Venus – Earth – Mars – Ceres – Jupiter – Saturn – Uranus – Neptune – Pluto –Charon – UB313

My only concern is that UB313 is going to be a bit difficult to remember without a proper name, so I would like to throw “Brysonia” into the ring – or perhaps even “Zara”.

So OK I’ll never be able to play pool again, but when you have 3 entire new planets to play with - who cares!

Half-time - Change Ends!

Right, so we are half way through our tribute to the coolest racing drivers of all time. The second half will follow shortly (i.e. when JB writes them, because I am getting RSI – That’s Repetitive Sloth Injury).

From what I have heard JB is working on glowing tributes to James Hunt and the Tyrell twins of Cevert and Stewart, along with a track-side report from last Sunday’s 750 motor club meeting at Brands Hatch. Now it has been announced you are all entitled to go around to his house and poke him with the soggy end of a toilet brush until he posts. I’m joking of course, a broom will be acceptable.

Not that I would ever condone violence for the sake of comedy, as I told the police at the time I had no idea how a can of paint came to be carefully balanced on that lavatory door. I also stand by my story that the falling anvil had been dropped by a passing seagull en route to a crafts fair.

Anyway, we shall look forward to reading JB’s conclusion of our Kings of Cool featurette – or allow him enough time to acquire some protective clothing, it could go either way!

Kings of Cool: Stirling Moss

Right out of the box, Sir Stirling had an advantage over everybody else in this contest. Like Jenson Button half a century later he was the carrier of a super cool name! Would Ernest Moss have been remembered so easily?

Of course to put his place in history down to name recognition along is to do Sir Stirling a massive injustice. He was one of the racing greats, and on his day he could beat anyone! A boast made even more impressive by the names he was racing against.

Like Graham Hill after him he was the very essence of an English Gentleman. A Pioneer who shaped many of the ideas people still hold today about the glamorous racing driver lifestyle.

He was as naturally talented in a sports car as he was in a Grand Prix machine. A fact demonstrated by one of his most famous drives, the 1955 Mille Miglia.

What makes him stand out from the drivers today however, is his honour. He lost the chance of being Britain’s first World Champion to Mike Hawthorn after appealing in Hawthorn’s favour, against a stewards penalty. He lost by just one point!

His determination to stay in British cars may also have cost him a title, but it showed a loyalty and determination that doesn’t seem to exist in today’s financially driven world.

Before Stirling Moss Motor Racing was a German/Italian dominated sport, by the time he left Britain was the centre of the motor racing world, as it remains today.

Kings of Cool: Keke Rosberg

This is probably going to be my shortest argument for any driver on these pages. That is not because he is any less deserving of the award, just that more than anyone else Keke Rosberg can be summed up in one small story.

1985 British Grand Prix Final Qualifying. A cigarette hits the floor behind the Williams garage and is extinguished by a racing boot. It’s owner turns back towards his car and says, “Lets do it!”

What he was about to do was lap Silverstone at an average speed of 160 miles an hour. It would have to wait almost 20 years - for the arrival of Juan-Pablo Montoya – before anybody would come close to beating that.

The original Flying Finn (Who was actually born in Sweden) scored but a single victory en route to the 1982 driver’s title. However when the season was out it was Keke and his little normally aspirated Cosworth that had beaten the almighty turbos!

As a symbol of 1980’s style, he must be held right up there with Burt Reynolds and Magnum PI as carrying the finest facial follicles of the Thatcher era.

Kings of Cool: Jacques Villeneuve

Jacques Villeneuve was the ultimate racing rebel without a cause. Right from he start he was determined to play the game his way, or not at all.

He would have it written into his contract that he was limited to just a certain number of sponsor obligations each year, because he didn’t like them. Like Irvine, he was an outspoken voice in an era of political correctness.

He would wear a race suit four sizes to large for him, just because it felt good. In fact when he first arrived at Williams there were some you would jokingly refer to him as the “Midget American Footballer”

He stunned the world by almost winning his first GP, and pushed Damon Hill all the way in the race for the 1996 title. A Year later after the events at Jerez he would become a moral victor and a popular champion.

This is a man who would set up his car at spa with the soul intention of taking Eau Rouge flat, and amazed his team by not lifting through Suzukas 130R.

His private life was every bit as cool as his day job. Jacques over the years has been linked with a long series of glamorous beauty’s including Danni Minogue and Natalie Imbruglia.

And now with his driving career seemingly over, he has a new path waiting for him in his music. All the other names on this list are cool drivers, but nobody else can lay claim to being a rock’n’roll star as well

Kings of Cool: Eddie Irvine

I am offering for contemplation today a name that isn’t banded about, but a man who is every bit as worthy a winner as anybody else mentioned here.

In an age where Grand Prix drivers were as stage-managed and politically correct as any a cabinet minister, Eddie Irvine was outspoken and opinionated. Into a characterless world came a great character, and a hard driver.

When he made his Grand Prix debut in 1993, Swerve had the audacity to unlap himself by overtaking the great Ayrton Senna - twice!

He even managed to wind up the great man so much he was given a punch in the nose for his trouble.

His playboy lifestyle and passion for expensive toys was seemingly at odds with an era that demanded super-fit, super-professionalism.

Dispite this, let us not forget for a moment just how close Eddie came to being the first Ferrari World Champion in 20 years. For 2000 he joined the Jaguar team, and was able to boast on his CV two of the greatest motoring marques in history.

Kings of Cool: Graham Hill

(NIGE) Now there are some who believe the quest to find the coolest driver ever begins, and ends with one James Hunt. This simply isn’t true!

Yes so Hunt the Shunt was a legend and rightfully so. The man who boasted that sex was the breakfast of champions is everybody’s idea of the playboy racing driver.

So why is he not the automatic winner I hear you cry?

The answer is simply that James Hunt was a budgie fancier, which surely is right up there with train spotting in the list of things that arn't cool!

No, there is no way James Bond would have retired home to attend to his feathered friends. Bond is the epitome of cool and in my eyes at least, there has only ever been one Grand Prix driver who could have played the part of Britain’s greatest secret agent.

Firstly Graham Hill was a racer when racing itself was cool. There is no era in History more magical than the sixties, when technology was advancing so quickly that soon man would walk on the moon. And right up there with Concorde at the forefront of engineering development were the Grand Prix Teams.

In that decade we went from front engined cars recognisable to the pre-war racers, to rear engined, slick tyre, aerodynamically tuned cars recognisable today.

With his smooth persona and easy charm Graham Hill was almost a symbol of the decade, the decade were Europe went to Indy and beat the Americans at there own game. Right there at the moment Monte-Carlo was at the height of it’s glitz and it’s glamour, Graham Hill won it 5-times!

He would go on in the seventies to partner Henri Pescarolo to victory at the 24 Heures du Mans, becoming the only person in history to achieve Motorsports “Grand Slam”, and he did it all whilst sporting the finest moustache the world has ever known.

Ok so he stayed on beyond his best, but he did so because he loved what he did. He had a passion for the sport which in today’s financially driven world doesn’t seem to exist. You couldn’t imagine Michael Schumacher paying to drive for Midland just so he could stay behind the wheel!

He is an Icon, an image of an age where racing was as glamorous as it was dangerous. He is from an age where teams raced for the honour of their nations, and Sponsorship was shown by the small Dunlop badge on your pocket.

In 1966 the world was cool, racing was cool, and the coolest of them all was Graham Hill.

Masters A-Cheev-ment

(NIGE) Congratulations to Eddie Cheever for winning the Grand Prix Masters - Grand Prix of Britian.

In a situation a la Hungarian GP, Silverstone was drenched and it provided one memorable race.

Nigel Mansells race was over before it had begun with diffuser difficulties making his car almost undrivable. Dispite a lengthy spell in the pits he was unable to resolve the issue and after several gallent attempts finally admitted defeat.

With cars seemingly spending more time off the circuit than on it in the constantly changing conditions, the battle for the lead soon became a head to head between Eddie Cheever and Eric van der Poele.

The ever present commentary of one Sir Murray Walker (Surely the Knighthood must be on the way!) completed one of the most entertaining afternoons of Motor Racing I have ever seen.

Congratulations to everybody involved in bringing us this fantastic series! I hope the powers that be can finally be pursuaded that the GPM's combination of Quality Drivers, "Gizmo"-Free cars and Minimal downforce is certainly the way to go!

Kings of Cool

(NIGE) In association with SnappyRacers.com, Brysonline is starting the debate to find the coolest racing driver ever.

Over the next few weeks we will be posting tributes to the throttle jockeys we believe are worthy of the title.

But don’t just take our words for it, visit the SnappyRacers.com forums to enter the debate yourselves. Your top driver not on our shortlist? Then add them here!

Once all our shortlist is complete we will open the polls and let fate decide.

Look out next week for Big Nige’s nominee, The only driver in History to win the Monaco Grands Prix, The Indy 500 and the 24 Heures du Mans.

You can Join the debate now by placing your nomination for the Coolest Racing Driver Ever in the SnappyRacers.com forum or by using the comment function on this page.

Stop Spreading the News!

(ADS) I apologise in advance for the following rant - I have a few things to get off my chest.

Like most single, childless men, I am glad that for six weeks in the summer, the drive to work is made much easier and less cluttered with the entourage of the school run MPVs. Like most single, childless men, I am glad that for a few weeks in the summer, some children aren't even in the country hogging all the benches in the parks or gathering at car parks and practicing wheelies and stoppies until their limbs are black and blue. But like everyone else on this tiny little melting pot of an island, I was shocked to discover that our very own police force had arrested nearly two dozen men in connection with the now very heavily publisised "plane plot", and that every airport in the country had brought all those sun seekers' vacations to an abrupt halt.

It seems so long ago now that newsreaders would wax lyrical over the little things in life, like a pensioner's cat being rescued by firefighters from a tree, or an amusing story where a man attempting to rob his local paper shop, forgot the door was a push and not a pull, fell backwards, hit his head on the pavement and then was rushed to hospital with concussion. After all, we all need a little cheering up from time to time. It hardly comes as a surprise to anyone then that the news yesterday was brimming with just two stories - the "plane plot" and the continuing bloodshed in Lebanon and Israel.

Honestly, do they do this for attention? There's not much chance of any of us forgetting what's going on in the world today - the news are doing a damn good job making sure of that. But does anyone else think that a situation like the one imposed on us yesterday is merely seen as an opportunity for news readers to claim some mileage? It seems superflouous to have a dozen people strewn across Heathrow, Gatwick, Luton et al, just to deliver a story that could easily have been done in the studio. I know that flights have been cancelled, I read it on a website. I don't need anyone to stand in a carpark overlooking a desserted airfield. News isn't about artistic poinancy, it's about delivering a story - nothing more. If I couldn't have already imagined the scale of the potential loss of life, I was told at least a dozen times later that it was even more "unimaginable" than when they last said unimaginable. I'm sure a few World War veterans would have a thing or two to say about that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make what happened yesterday sound insignificant. Terrorism is evil in all shapes and forms. I just wish that the news would return to those days when life just didn't seem all that bad, when there was that little ray of hope that we're not all going to die because of where we live, what we believe in or what our Government is doing. Can't we have just a little laughter after a hard day at the office? If only there were more vertigo-suffering felines stuck on a high branch, or more bungling burglars then maybe we wouldn't feel like we need our blood pressure taken every day. Perhaps we all need a holiday. I think we all deserve one. I hear the Lake District is nice this time of year.

Bugs, Planes & blowing your Trumpet

(NIGE) Well, it’s been a very quiet week in Brysonland.

Following Chi-Chi’s surprise summoning to the Queens Head on Monday most of us were Queuing at Tesco’s come Tuesday morning trying to get a refund on Celebratory Cigars and Housewarming Toasters. Well obviously they don’t warm the entire house unless you wire the plug wrong - or as I did, tried to make pancakes in one.

Still it was the first chance in a while for everyone to be together, and had Bill Oddie have been there, he might have been quite excited about the rare appearance of a Lesser-spotted Macca.

Tuesday saw the Big Brother farce of rejected housemates making their comeback. I was to switch over in disgust and am now done with this series. I discussed by distain for this twist in a Private phone conversation with Prince William, which somehow appeared in the Newspaper the next morning. Anyway…

What I chose watch instead was a programme I had recorded last Thursday, Armando Iannucci’s Time Trumpet.

Now for anybody who doesn’t know Armando Iannucci is one of the modern comedy greats. Although rarely on camera himself he is behind such modern classics as: I’m Alan Partridge, The Day Today, The Friday Night Armistice and The Thick of It.

Now Time Trumpet is a “Nostalgic” look back at life in 2007 from the perspective of 50 years in the future. Featuring news articles such as “The day The Duchess of Cornwall turned out to be Justin Lee-Collins having a laugh, and when David Beckham started the new trend of men having a ladies naughy bits grafted onto their arms. There was also the shocking day Charlotte Church vomited herself inside out and the first ever Plastic Surgery make over show for children – “Spicy Slicey”

It’s on Thursdays at 10 on BBC 2 and I would very much recommend giving it a watch, it is without doubt the funniest 30 minutes of television I have seen since “Look Around You” introduced us to the dangers of Cobbles – and “Synthesiser Patel”

Then came Yesterday, and with the ongoing threat of planes falling from the sky, I just decided to just stay indoors wearing a bicycle helmet and my steel-toe boots. I know I am not thought of as a cycling person, but they had them on special offer the least time I stopped at a petrol station. I also bought 3 cats, a first edition Harry Potter and was able to exchange my Tiger Tokens for a Villa in the Algarve. I was also after some Castrol oil and windscreen washer Fluid, but I guess they can’t stock everything!

Oh well, another week closer to Christmas, in fact that garage had a nice line in robotic musical santas...

100 Days to Go (Yesterday)

(ADS) Yesterday marked the beginning of my countdown to the 21st James Bond film, Casino Royale.

We'll no longer have to endure repeats of David Niven's attrocious spoof.

Happily, I haven't heard that there will be any cricket scenes, so Nige won't be scratching his eyes out just yet.

Let's hope it's a welcome return to the Dalton days, and a far cry from the corny smuggness of Roger Moore.

My only worry is when that point in time comes when the Bond girl is younger than me - and I mean illegally younger, then it may be a good time to stop - after say about 50 films.

Changing the Rules

(NIGE) In the spirit of Big Brother deciding “Well sod you, I’m changing the rules!” and annoying the majority of their loyal fan-base, I have decided that it’s time for me to re-address some of the things I don’t like.

So from here on Officially here are the new rules (And you can’t moan because I have donated 50p to a charity that helps Pandas)*

1: William Hague won the General Election in 2001 and has a enjoyed a long and slightly comical Premiership during which Britain started no wars and is Popular among it’s fellow nations.

2: The 1986 Australian Grand Prix was red-flagged early thus making Nigel Mansell a double-world Champion with all four tyres intact.

3: Starburst & Snickers will once again be known as Opel Fruits and Marathon, and Cif will revert to Jif.

4: Cricket will become one of those nostalgic games you used to play at school but is never televised – Like Rounders or British Bulldog!

5: From here on in Petrol Stations will sell only petrol and car related accessories.

6: The English Football and Rugby clubs will now sing the English national anthem before games and not the British. Altogether now – “Land of hope and glory….”

7: Horses live in fields and should stay there, especially at times when I am liable to be driving.

8: There should be no items on the news about “Celebrities”, unless they have been caught in an underground fetish club being whipped by a Bishop. These reports will come in a short 2 minutes feature just before the weather.

9: There are to be no more television programmes featuring people standing in front of a panel of judges being mocked. Likewise no more programmes on Cooking, Gardening, Buying/Selling houses or Selling your old tat at an Auction.

10: Everybody the world over accepts that Oswald killed Kennedy, Diana died in a tragic motoring-accident and Neil Armstong definately walked on the moon!

11: Water companies will be forced to actually fix the leaky pipes and not just ban everyone from using water,

12: Britain will end all fear mongering about global warming by inventing a new clean energy source from used tea-bags.

13: All sciencey stuff on the news will hereby be demonstrated by Fred Dineage and Johnny Ball

14: Customer Service people will be actual physical human individuals who want to help, and not an endless loop in an automated call centre.

15: And Nikki cannot be allowed to win Big Brother

* I may not have actually donated any money to the Pandas, lazy sods should get jobs!

Running on Empty?

(NIGE) Picture the scene if you will – It’s about 9:30 in the evening and your desperately searching the kitchen for a bite to eat. You discard the slightly green Custard Cream you found behind the breadbin, and are now staring thoughtfully towards the remnants of Kit-E-Cat your thoughtful moggy has left behind in his bowl. You eventually come to your senses and decide there’s nothing else for it, you’ll have to pop to the shops.

Unfortunately for you it’s 1964 and all the shops closed at five-thirty. So there’s nothing else for it, the catfood will taste terrible so you’ll have to eat the cat. Unfortunately the cat tastes terrible because it’s full of catfood.

This is the sort of scenario that may possibly have been happening all over the nation for all I know. Shopping was a fairly standard affair with meat being sold in the butchers and fruit and veg at the greengrocers. If you had a headache then it was off to Boots and if you wanted a condom then apparently you went to a barber to get “Something for the Weekend, Sir?”. It’s probably for this reason that young folk of the day invented the funky haircut, it allowed them to spend more time at the Barbers.

These days it’s all so simple. If I medically need a Pot Noodle at 11:30 at night I can just go down to the local garage. In the Sixties of course they had this crazy Idea that the local Petrol Station was somewhere to go and buy Oil-based products and get stuff done to your car.

Then oneday somebody had the bright idea of taking a supermarket, cutting it down to the basics and squeezing it into the garage. Of course the downside is that if your cars buggered then so are you, but at least you can microwave yourself a cheeseburger and chips while you wait for the RAC Man.

The other day I was queuing in a petrol station when I noticed that tucked away in the corner was a small shoe shop. You can actually go and get yourself a pair of hiking boots along with your Unleaded. I was tempted to enquire as to their footwear turnover figures but as the cashier stared in astonishment at my credit card as if he had just witnessed the worlds first electric lightbulb, I decided against it.

At this rate I am convinced that one day town centres and shopping malls will disappear completely to be replaced by one huge petrol station selling everything from HD TV’s to Camping Equipment. And if you get rid of those pesky pumps from the forecourts you could probably put in a very nice al fresco eating establishment and championship standard Tennis facilities. Oh what a world that will be….

…That is, until you run out of petrol!

Chi-Chi Mystery starts Bryson Silly-Season

(NIGE) All the Bryson Boy’s shall be assembling this evening at Team HQ (Well the pub) and as of yet nobody knows why!

OK I admit it if far from unknown for me to be in the pub on a Monday or night, or any night for that matter! In fact I will go as far to say that I am very enthusiastic about going to the pub in general.

However tonight is slightly more cryptic and mysterious as all we know is that Chi-Chi has called a spontaneous celebration.

Is there a new job, or a new House on the horizon? Are we about to hear the patter of tiny rugby balls?

Will he be announced as Jacques Villeneuve’s replacement at BMW Sauber or has he finally found Macca so I can give him the £30 I owe him?

Has he achieved his lifelong dream and been hired as the dictator of a small tropical nation with a proud heritage in adult moviemaking?

Or has he finally been able to achieve a lasting peace in the Middle East?

It’s certainly got us all speculating wildly. Whatever the case all will be revealed at 8pm, and I’m sure quite a large quantity of lager will be consumed!

End of the Road for JV?

(NIGE) So it seems the decade long formula one career of Jacques Villeneuve has finally come to end with the mutual severing of a contract.

It’s a sad end to the career of any driver, let alone the man who came out of that 1997 clash with Michael Schumacher as the moral victor, and a popular World Champion.

Villeneuve had made an explosive debut to the Grand Prix scene a year earlier. Who can forget how close he came to winning that maiden Australian GP, until mechanical problems meant he had to yeald to the by now oil soaked Damon Hill.

At Estoril that year he proved beyond doubt that he was something special. As “Bernie TV’s” onboard cameras rode with Michael Schumacher’s Ferrari, a glimpse of Williams Blue could be seen. JV was passing the World Champion around the outside of Turn 8. As more of the Williams came into view it became clear that on the exit of turn 8 was a slow moving Minardi – there just wasn’t going to be room for two more cars! Somehow Villeneuve kept his foot in made the move stick. As a sixteen year old fan, that was one of the greatest moves I had ever seen!

Of course 1996 was to be our Damon’s year, but Villeneuve would make him work for it until the end. His charge was finally over as he watched his rear wheel over-take him and bounce over the Suzuka catch fencing.

For 1997 Villeneuve started the year as title favourite. Hill had been replaced by Frenzen at Williams, and save that fantastic drive at the Hungaroring, he would never look like winning all year. 1997 was to be the first year of what we have come to accept as “Modern Ferrari”, and it was to be Michael who would ultimately be JV’s title rival, but 1997 was also the revival year for McLaren.

Everybody knows what happened next!

There has been enough written about Jerez 1997 without me adding my two-pence, but in hindsight that race in Spain marked a sizeable shift in the balance of power. With Schumacher in the kitty-litter and Jacques nursing his championship hopes home, the McLarens loomed on the Horizon.

After a few laps of Coulthard leading Hakkinen behind Villeneuve, the McLarens switched places and Hakkinen found a way by. Hakkinen would go on to take his long-awaited Maiden win. The next two World Championships would follow.

Renaults decision to leave Grand Prix racing at the end of the 1997 was to hit Williams hard, and leave them with a supply of customer engines until BMW’s arrival in 2000.

For Jacques 1998 was a year to forget, and as the year old on speculation began to mount about his manager Craig Pollock buying the Tyrell team and forming a Team Villeneuve.

The British American Racing project when it finally came seemed just as irresistible as it’s twin liveried cars were garish. With a huge cashpile from British American Tobacco, a technical partnership with constructor Reynard, and Honda power on the way for 2000.

Villeneuve was lured with a very big cheque and teamed with the highly rated Ricardo Zonta.

However the BAR project was never to bring Villeneuve the promised success. Over the next few years his only real moments or not were his seemingly ever large qualifying accidents at Spa’s Eau Rouge corner.

It is sad in hindsight that he continued to accept those huge BAT cheques, rather than take a pay-cut and seek a drive elsewhere. However all the ingredients for success were there, and at the time it must have looked as if that final leap was only just around the corner. Ultimately the success would come, but it was to be without Pollock and Villeneuve.

Sacked by new boss Dave Richards it looked like the end of the JV GP story, but a chance opportunity at Renault brought him back from the wilderness. A Sauber deal for 2005 was to follow.

It was to prove another tough year for JV, and when BMW announced they would acquire the team for 2006, it again seemed to be over.

BMW though would honour his contract. Jacques was soon driving like the man of old, seeming happy in his new team. This is why I was so shocked to read the news today that it is all over.

I would like to wish Jacques all the luck in the world with whatever project he turns his hand to next. Obviously I hope that that it is working the wheel of a racing car but it seems he also now has a promising second career looming in music. For anybody interested his MySpace site has details of his new album and can be visited by clicking this link

It’s not goodbye, just au revior… and thanks for the memories!

Right On The Button

(NIGE) Congratulations to Jenson Button for breaking his Formula One Duck with a Superb drive from 14th on the grid in the eventful Hungarian Grand Prix.

Let us hope that with his first GP under his belt, and with the possible arrival on the Formula One scene of Anthony Davidson, Gary Paffet and Lewis Hamilton, we are about to enter a Golden age of British F1 Success.

A Little closer to home it might also inspire JB to progreess further on TOCA Race Driver 3, and James to invest in further improvements for his recently spontaniously purchased Scalextric.

The Journey of a Lunchtime

(NIGE) Let me take you back to an age where Billingshurst was just an empty field by a railway line. The year was 1086. William the Conqueror has been Conquering for 20 years now, and was probably a bit Conquered out.

He had built his castles in a dastardly plan to lower the property values of the locals mud dwellings, and now he was ready to do some taxing.

Into the small Sussex hamlet of Cilletone came his men in fluorescent jackets and holding clipboards. They were compiling a book with the slightly over-dramatic name of Domesday.

What did they find in Cilletone?

Well thanks to the National Archives publication of the Domesday book online it is now possible for me to look back almost 1000 years and see the earliest records of the place in which I live, for as the years rolled by, Cilletone would become known as Chiltington.

Obvious my Latin extends only as far as replacing U's with V's, but the national archive have translated the ancient texts to the far more readable English, where the U's are written just as they should be.

So, it seems in 1086 the two main landowners were William de Braose and someone named Roger. A little investigative journalism makes me believe that this was probably Roger de Montgomerie, The first Earl of Shrewsbury.

According to the Wikipedia, Roger was one of William’s principal councillors and one of the most powerful men in the land.

William de Braose was the man who built Bramber Castle, and apparently now owns half the lands that used to belong to the Saxon Thane of Sussex, Earl Goodwine.

Despite this, the villages of Cilletone, Sillington and Poleberge (Chiltington, Sullington & Pulborough) are all linked as belonging to somebody called Robert, who may well have been Robert, Count of Mortain - the King's half brother.

The Church is clearly mentioned alongside passages referring to Three Farms and one "Home Farm", apparently there is land for three ploughs.

The area didn't seem to have been affected too much by the arrival of the Norman’s as the land is reported to be worth the same amount in 1086 as it was before 1066.

It's just 5 lines in a 1000 year old book, but it's taken me on an amazing lunchtime journey into the lives of the people who called my village home all those years ago.

To see yourself why not visit The National Archives Domesday Website

A Century for Brysonline

At first they laughed, they said it just couldn't be done!

I didn't know who "they" were because I wasn't in the room at the time but apparently they did say it.

I know because Macca told JB he had overheard a conversation where Tom and Chi-Chi were discussing it with a bloke in the pub. And if the bloke in the pub said so then it's good enough for me!

Today after just two weeks "live" Brysonline has hit 100 visitors, although not in the nasty way.

So a big thanks to everyone who has paid us a visit over the last few days, we're all going to take the day off and go drink to our first milestone!

The Idiots Guide to Packaging

As I was sitting eating my lunch today my eyes were drawn to the words on the packaging.

“To Open Tear Here”

Now I may have an ungraded GNVQ, and I make no bones about the fact that I went to art-college. I do however understand the basic concept of having to remove the plastic surround before engaging myself in midday mastication.

I turned towards my small carton of blackcurrant flavour juice drink.

“To Open Pierce Hole with Straw”

Okay, then what?

If this company honestly believes I am not of a sufficient mental capacity to figure out a Drinks Carton then surely they should explain fully.

I might have stuck the straw in my eye and gone blind, or stuck it somewhere else and wished I’d gone blind!

An while I’m on the subject why is there such inconsistency in which products give me these instructions. For example shampoo makers feel inclined on giving me urgent instructions on how to wash my hair, yet toilet roll manufacturers are more than happy to leave me to my own devices!

As a species mankind is incredible! We have created civilisation, trade and communications. We have overcome gravity and learned to fly like the birds. We have even reached out from the tight confines of our planet and touched the stars.

...and yes, sometimes we can even open a packet of biscuits!

It was thirty years ago... Yesterday!

When you think of Moustache’s and motor racing you inevitably turn your thoughts towards everybody’s favourite brum.

However there was one notable Austrian who made even Mansell's facial topiary look distinctly second division.

Harold Ertl was an Austrian driver and Journalist who raced with much success in 1970’s Tin Tops.

In an interesting twist Ertl had been at the same school as 1970 World Champion Jochen Rindt, and fellow Austrian driver Helmut Marko.

Why was nobody I went to school with ever Formula One World Champion?

Anyway, Harald got his formula one chance with Hesketh towards the end of 1975, and managed to get some great results. He was to race a full season with the team for 1976.

“This is all well and good Nige” I hear you cry, “But what’s suddenly brought on this short biography of a little known hirsute racing driver?”

Well I am coming to that…

It was whilst racing for Hesketh at the Nurburgring in 1976 that he struck the Burning wreckage of Niki Lauda's Ferrari. Lauda, pushing hard to catch the leader after an early tyre stop had crashed at the Bergwick corner, and was now lying trapped in his burning car.

Harald Ertl and the American Driver Brett Lunger, who had also struck the wreckage, rushed to help. They were joined by Ertl’s British team-mate Guy Edwards and the Italian driver Arturo Merzario.

Harald Ertl managed to get hold of a fire extinguisher and was able to beat back the flames around the cockpit enough for Lauda to be pulled out of the car.

It was thirty years ago yesterday!

Thankfully as we all know Lauda, despite being horrifically burned, was back in action just six weeks later, and would take the Championship battle to the final race of the season.

Guy Edwards was awarded the Queen’s medal for bravery for his role in the rescue. 1976 was to be Edwards only season of GP racing, although he carried on racing for another decade. After retiring he works helping to secure sponsors for up & coming drivers.

Harald Ertl remained in F1 until 1980, he was killed two years later in a light aircraft accident in Germany.

In a moment that would change all motorsport forever, four men ran into the flames without a thought for themselves, to save the life of another.

Now if that’s not inspirational on a Wednesday afternoon then I don’t know what is!

The BBC website currently shows a video of the accident and rescue, you can view it by following this link

The Great Bryson Folly, 2006

Yesterday through my letterbox came an invitation for me to join the Sussex MINI Treasure Hunt. Apparently one day in September the garage is organising this event for all MINI drivers to raise money for a kiddies charadee.

I have been thinking about signing up as:

A: Well it gets me out the house four an Hour

B: I’m guessing 50% of MINI drivers are female.

It was while thinking about this day, my thoughts were converted to a conversation JB and I were having several months ago.

It was in the wake of the Top Gear episode where Clarkson, driving the new Bugatti, had been racing the Shirt and the Other One who were flying a light aircraft. In the end of course it was Clarkson who won because James May wasn’t allowed to fly in the dark.

This got JB and I discussing a race of our own, a Bryson challenge! Our idea was from London to Liverpool, with the winner to be the first person to buy a pint at the Grapes pub in Matthew Street. JB was to be driving, and I was to be leaving it open to public transport. JB in the car would probably get to Liverpool first, but the advantage would swing back to me because I knew exactly where I was going.

It never happened of course, it was never going to.

So here’s the gauntlet being thrown down, who can come up with the best Idea for a Bryson “Top Gearesque” Challenge. A head-to-head contest to kill a Saturday, provide a few laughs and a great piece for the website?

The Only Criteria:

A: We are all cheap and don’t want to spend much money

B: It’s gotta be legal.

So there we go, The challenge has been set!

“Chi-Chi” to join Brysonline

Brysonline is celebrating the landmark achievement of signing well-known pub philosopher and Rugby Leg End “Chi-Chi”. After a marathon six-hour meeting in four different pubs we were finally able to secure a signature, his credit card, and four new DVD players from Dixons.

According to his Press Release “Chi-Chi”, 23 (?), is a married husband of one. He spent several years as the Bryson ambassador to Australia where he became the first one of us to watch a live Grand Prix in both hemispheres, albeit not at the same time.

His sharp wit and ability to create an innuendo from almost any situation makes him the prime target of many a Pantomime director, and we look forward to reading his thoughts over the coming weeks and months.