Round our way

It’s true, it can be confirmed, there is an epidemic sweeping this country and the tabloids seem to have missed it completely.

While readers of the popular press are waxing lyrical about terrorists, fat smokers and assylum seekers, another far more worrying trend is showing itself in the avian world.

I am not of course talking about Bird Flu which dissappeared almost as quickly as it was supposed to kill us all, nor am I referring to rumours of Genetically modified chickens with 36 legs and no breast. I am talking about the increasing stupidity of pigeons.

There was a time not long ago when even a pigeons little brain would be able to warn it that a car is approaching at 40mph and it might be advisable to take advantage of it’s aerial capabilities.

However the pigeons round our way have seeming forgotten all about the wings sprouting from their shoulders and instead insist on walking around in the ambling manor more befitting of a courting couple or somebody who has just had a sizeable lunch.

When they do spot the approaching traffic and have taken 10 –20 seconds to review the situation, the standard response seems to be to walk a bit faster In the unfortunate yet slightly comical way pigeons have developed. Why it is an advantage to have your neck muscles connected to your thighs escapes me!

This morning I had to pick my way around 5 stubbon flying rats who each refused to accept the possible threat to them posed by a Dunlop tyre. Surely if they are oblivious to the noise created by a 1.6litre BMW powerplant then what chance do they stand againsts the steathy stalking of a master predator.

In fact the situation has got so bad that foxes round our way are starting to take the piss. I saw one the other day wearing Morris dancers bells on his legs and singing old school disco classics at an almost antisocial volume.

I think it’s time some sort of Avian Green Cross Code was developed to re-educate pigeons in Highway etiquette, before we end up with punctured tyres, endangered species and extremely fat and contented foxes.

In the meantime I have taken to sporting a message on my front bumper. It reads simply: “You can Fly you Muppets”