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(NIGE) In the spirit of Big Brother deciding “Well sod you, I’m changing the rules!” and annoying the majority of their loyal fan-base, I have decided that it’s time for me to re-address some of the things I don’t like.
So from here on Officially here are the new rules (And you can’t moan because I have donated 50p to a charity that helps Pandas)*
1: William Hague won the General Election in 2001 and has a enjoyed a long and slightly comical Premiership during which Britain started no wars and is Popular among it’s fellow nations.
2: The 1986 Australian Grand Prix was red-flagged early thus making Nigel Mansell a double-world Champion with all four tyres intact.
3: Starburst & Snickers will once again be known as Opel Fruits and Marathon, and Cif will revert to Jif.
4: Cricket will become one of those nostalgic games you used to play at school but is never televised – Like Rounders or British Bulldog!
5: From here on in Petrol Stations will sell only petrol and car related accessories.
6: The English Football and Rugby clubs will now sing the English national anthem before games and not the British. Altogether now – “Land of hope and glory….”
7: Horses live in fields and should stay there, especially at times when I am liable to be driving.
8: There should be no items on the news about “Celebrities”, unless they have been caught in an underground fetish club being whipped by a Bishop. These reports will come in a short 2 minutes feature just before the weather.
9: There are to be no more television programmes featuring people standing in front of a panel of judges being mocked. Likewise no more programmes on Cooking, Gardening, Buying/Selling houses or Selling your old tat at an Auction.
10: Everybody the world over accepts that Oswald killed Kennedy, Diana died in a tragic motoring-accident and Neil Armstong definately walked on the moon!
11: Water companies will be forced to actually fix the leaky pipes and not just ban everyone from using water,
12: Britain will end all fear mongering about global warming by inventing a new clean energy source from used tea-bags.
13: All sciencey stuff on the news will hereby be demonstrated by Fred Dineage and Johnny Ball
14: Customer Service people will be actual physical human individuals who want to help, and not an endless loop in an automated call centre.
15: And Nikki cannot be allowed to win Big Brother
* I may not have actually donated any money to the Pandas, lazy sods should get jobs!
9 comments:
May I add...
16: Movie studios will stop remaking perfectly decent films with CGI and expect us to spend our hard earned cash to sit in an
incomfortable chair for three hours and put up with gobby kids while I can wait a few months for it to arrive on DVD anyway, and then blame us for the decline in box office takings because of piracy.
17: Automatic doors will no longer be automatic, but the signs will remain, so anyone lazy enough not to open a door in public will look like a right knob.
18: Boots stores will no longer reek of every headache-inducing potion known to mankind.
19: Yobs providing light entertainment as community service on every bus, train and hovercraft.
20: Eastenders is put on during office hours to accomodate the people who watch it and to
make way for stimulating telly, such as Dcotor Who.
I watch EastEnders, what are you suggusting?
And as for your automatic doors - Yes I do think there is an issue there!
I was raised a gentleman, and on of the gentlemanly things I do is open doors for ladies.
Upon spying a beautiful ladygirl heading for a door yesterday, I decided to do the gentlemanly thing and hold the door for her.
Unfortunately it was an automatic door, and the only way I could think to hold it was to stand under the sensor and jump about a bit waving my arms.
I did get a thanks, but it's doubtful I'd get much else! Then the shop manager asked me to leave.
Curse you doors!!!
You dissed cricket - I dissed Eastenders - fair trade.
can I diss cricket again please?
I like cricket...
Hello!
When it comes to cricket you're both wrong. Nothing that takes 5-days to end up as a draw can ever be good.
That's five days spent to get the same result as if neither team had bothered turning up.
That surely makes the whole charade of standing about rubbing your naughty bits with hard leather balls utterly pointless - In a sporting way!
We've had this argument so many times.
If a soccarball match ends as a draw, you don't get Linekar or Hanson saying neither team should have bothered playing.
A draw in cricket is more a punishment for failing to get the opposing team all out within the alloted overs than it is a pointless conclusion. Need I remind you off last year's Ashes test at Edgbaston - Kasprowicz and Lee remained and England lead by only 2 runs and tt was the last ball of the match. A draw would've been devastating because our boys had some so far, and the outcome was dependent on how Kasprowicz received Harmison's ball.
You can't seriously think that a draw would almost be like a waste of time. If we hadn't clinched that win, those pictures of Freddie Flintoff in a slightly intoxicated state may never have been taken and plastered on every tabloid for weeks. It would have affected our play for the remaining three tests.
Okay, so Kasprowicz's one-handed hit made him technically not out, but for those dying moments of the match provided the most tension I've ever seen since England's 20-17 victory in the Rugby world cup. Not bad considering everyone else enjoys watching a £25m footballer miss a goal by a country mile.
The most baffling thing of all is, you're dissing a game that allows you to drink solidly for hours on end.
It's just like being in the pub this! Obviously without the beer, and the smoke, and the pub, and...
...well ok so it's nothing like the pub!
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